Taking a bad turn

Hi board

Not sure where to post this... . I've spent countless hours reading on this board and the others, but I haven't written that much. I've been studying and working hard on myself with the help of the lessons here and my therapist (psychologist specializing in BPD (w/NPD traits)). My dBPDbf is also in therapy, has accepted the diagnosis and has been making some great progress. I've even ventured into the "Succes-stories"-thread.

The thing is though, that although the relationship as a whole is better, one specific behaviour seems to be getting worse.

My dBPDbf been dealing with some very heavy stuff in therapy the last two weeks regarding his father which is at the root of his BPD. I've tried very hard to be understanding and not put any pressure on him recently since he's going through this personal crisis. But today I was tired. A month and a half working a lot on a really big project that is due on Monday, having first the flu and then bronchitis while working etc. Today I came home late after a really long day. I was shattered. My dBPDbf had been working on making a cupboard, which I had already seen and praised at lunch. Again I said that it looked great, and that he had made a beautiful door. However, I would prefer if he could cut off a bit on the top that was sticking up (it's really not a big deal, it might not look very pretty on the inside of the cupboard once it's been sawn off, but no one will see it from the outside). Of course it set him off... .

I stayed calm, first just saying that I had a really long day today and would like us to have a nice evening together. He continued being angry, so I said that I was tired and just couldn't deal with conflict tonight and calmly asked him to please leave to go to his one-bedroom apartment, which is close by. We have been renting this one bedroom apartment for a few moths, to be able to have a little breathing room. In the beginning he lived there full time, now it's more of a place to go when we need some time apart. He refused, standing there like a big stubborn child insisting on eating dinner before leaving. Normally I would let him be, but I was so tired and worn out and just couldn't support dealing with his anger for one more second. I wanted to be left in peace in our apartment which for the moment is supposed to be my apartment and my sanctuary. I couldn't face going out again, and the apartment is just two rooms without any door in between so there's not much room to get away and I felt like he was invading my space. I was simply at the verge of breaking down and I really needed him to be gone. Which is also according to what we have agreed upon. When in conflict, the two-room is for me and the one-room is for him.

So I told him several times to please leave and that I'm asking nicely, and this is supposed to be my place. He of course was trying to dominate me, first with insults like "shut the f... up or else... . ", raising his hand like he was going to slap me, which is something he has been doing the last couple of months when getting angry (not hitting, but raising his hand). He also accused me of being hysterical when I actually was talking calmly, not raising my voice and not crying etc.

I understand that I should have left, but I didn't have it in me tonight. I had just come in the door and I was bone-tired, having worked to 3am the this morning and another long day today and I asked him nicely and stayed calm. I did however repeat it several times, since he refused to move. Suddenly he pushed me hard and I had to take some steps backwards not to fall, then he stood about 5cm from my face with a menacing stare telling me to shut the f... up or he would head-but me. He has done it to our huge donkey (really big, like a small horse, but with a much bigger head) two or three times. The donkey is big and used to other donkeys kicking and it actually hurts my bf a lot more than the donkey. Can you imagine? Yes, my bf has head-butted a huge donkey in fits of rage It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic... . What I'm trying to say is that I wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't do it to me. I did however stand my ground, looked him in the eye and calmly said "please leave". He again played the "we are through, you can buy a ticket back to your country"-card, to which I responded, again calmly without raising my voice or any tears, "fine, now please leave". And to top it off he grabbed both my wrists really hard and pushed me backwards so I had to back up many steps.

He has only been violent with me once before, which was a light push on the torso and I have in all honesty done the same to him once. Both incidents about one year ago. So this is definitely escalating behaviour when it comes to violence. So I'm a little scared. And very sad. And feel a little lost.



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