adoptive daughter dealing with biological mother

[muffetbuffet]

So just when you think your life might be slowing down and looking somewhat normal, out of the blue a phone call comes along.  Yeah, that was my life today.  My DD has now been home since October after spending 8 months in an RTF. We were finally getting used to living with each other again and things were not great, but we were a functional family.  Our daughter is adopted and has siblings who all reside out of state.  Bio mother also lives out of state.  We received a phone call tonight that bio mother is not doing well.  She is on life support and may not make it.  Talk about turning my world upside down.  Daughter had not seen her bio mother in close to 10 years.  It has only been within the last 1 1/2 yrs that phone conversations have started.  Of course daughter wants us to drop everything and drive her across the USA to see dying mother.  Don't dare send her on a plane by herself as I am sure there will be more drama than anyone can handle when she arrives at the hospital to see dying mom.  Looking for some input... .  do we try to get her to see dying mom or tell her that we just cannot get off work to go?  I think either way there is going to be major drama!  Thanks for letting me vent.  Husband and I are so lost as to what to do with this situation. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Oh what a loss for your D - to have just started a new r/s with this ghost from her beginning and now this threat that it will be taken away. My DD26, adopted at age 3 weeks, has many many unresolved issues with the rejection she feels. This adoption was completely closed, other than a questionnaire the biomom filled out - mostly medical questions and family statistics. And there are two older siblings that were with the mom when she relinquished DD. She has only recently been asking about searching for her mom and siblings. She does not have the funds for this - it is not a lot through the agency. But I have so much fear for her to suffer rejection again, and our funds are so limited. Sorry - I got off track here.

What is the follow up care for your D? A therpist maybe that could give you some insight?

IMHO, I would sure not send her alone to this intense situation. Was this an open adoption in the beginning? What age was your D when she joined your family? She is at such a hard age to have this other person, that is really not the 'mom' and does not have a solid r/s with her, pop back into her life. How has she responded to these contacts? How did you find out about this illness? To talk with your D in a rational way - maybe not possible. I know you will be keeping the focus on what is the best for your D with a longer view than this  dramtic reality in her life.

wow - maybe others will have validating words you can use to acknowledge your D's feelings, and let her know that this trip will not happen for many reasons. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Hello muffetbuffet,

Can your d go with any of her bio siblings to see her biomom?

Either way... .  letting her go with siblings or going with you there is going to be fallout... .  not allowing her to go... .  there is no do over in this situation.  If it were me, I would let her go... .  jmo

Sorry you are even in this position. :'(

 

lbj

[cfh]

mb

My ds is also adopted and though no contact has been made on either end with his bio mom... .  if we were in your situation I would let him go because as lbj said there is no do over. And I would go with him.

This is a terrible position to be in because there will be much drama either way.

I just think that if it were my ds he would never forgive us for not letting him see his bio mom before she died.  As I'm typing this I think that my nonBPD son (also adopted) would feel the same way.

Just another view.

So sorry this is so complicated.

[momontherun]

That is a lot to handle and a very tough situation. Even though it may seem there is no connection, your dd feels there is - I made that mistake of underestimating that connection with dd15's biodad when he passed. She has admitted (after 5 yrs) it wasn't so much they had a relationship (there was no contact for 4 yrs.) as there will never be a chance for one being robbed of the possibility... .  it took me awhile to understand that, get over those painful emotions and of course, I am the one she lashes out on when she starts thinking about it.

As for visiting, I think if there is any possible way you can make that happen then I would do it. I understand the lack of funds all too well however, where there is a will there is a way... .  perhaps you can use skype as many hospitals have free wi fi these days, hold a fundraiser selling something like candy bars to neighbors/family/friends to help raise the money, gather air miles from family/friends, take a bus or train etc. Ask your dd to help you brainstorm ideas as this may put her focus into something more constructive working towards a goal. Admit to the fact you may not be able to raise the funds in time as this is very unexpected yet you are willing to try seeing how important this is to her. The important thing is to show her you support her no matter what obstacles arise.

I also understand the need to want to avoid more drama however, the drama is going to happen either way... .  so are the painful questions, bargaining, accusations, defending etc. The intensity can be reduced with validating statements like "what your going through is natural", "I can see how painful this must be for you", "This hurts", "I would feel the same way", "It sounds you are really feelinghit_", "I can see your really upset",  etc. Help her release her feelings by keeping the conversation going: "what bothers you the most", "How strong are you feelinghit_on a scale of 1-10?", "what would help you feel better?", "So you really feelhit? Is that close?", "So what bothers you i~hit_?" etc. Be prepared for her to verbally attack you with: "You don't understand", "you don't care", "you wish she was already gone" etc. counter the accusations with:"I am trying to understand", "how have I shown I don't care?", "when we both calm down we can talk more about this" etc.

Make this a teaching moment by educating dd about the stages of loss, the different phases in emotions to expect, share your beliefs, learn how you can support her etc. This is a wonderful research paper written specifically for this: www2.uwstout.edu/content/lib/thesis/2003/2003schoepkeb.pdf

Most importantly take care of yourself   

[muffetbuffet]

Update... . sorry it has been so long to send along an update, but life happens.  We did make the trip to see bio mom.  My husband and I both took off work, got older bio brother out of college for two days and made a marathon drive.  We left Wed PM and arrived back home on Sunday PM.  Drove close to 2,000 miles during the course of those days.  FOrtunately things went way better than planned AMEN!  All five of the bio sibs were together at the hospital for the three days we were there.  This is the first time they have all been together in almost 10 yrs.  Everyone got along and I belive the bio sibs (who are all adult age) truly appreciated the effort we made in getting out kids there.  Bio mom remained in the hospital for close to a week after we left.  Is now home and doing ok from what I hear.  I think my biggest surprise to all of it was the fact that my daughter has only called mom twice since being home.  She does not have that need to be in constant contact with her which really surprised me.  I hope in the end that it has provided both of our kids with some closure.  So, thanks for all of the well wishes and the many prayers that were with us on our journey.  I am glad that we were able to make the trip. 

[qcarolr]

So glad the trip when well. Maybe allows these kids to move forward in their lives.

qcr