My parents' addiction

[maria1]

I have been thinking a lot about addiction. I have children with a man who has issues with alcohol. He went from our relationship where I chose to address my own issues with alcohol to a r/s with a woman who is an alcoholic.

My mother's siblings all had/ have issues with alcohol. My brother died of a heroin overdose.

I have at times felt a daily craving for alcohol and that dependency scares me so I pull back at those times. I can never drink to being drunk without being very sick. There was a time when ecstasy was popular that I took it alone when going out to the pub with friends (in my twenties; I'm 46 now). It scared me that I did that and I stopped.

I have been trying to work out if my parents were alcoholics. I don't remember wine glasses around the house or excessive drinking. But they did drink. If I could think of them as alcoholics it would fit in with me being the way I am, but I can't fit them into that.

However I've just had a sort of epiphany about them. They were both absolutely addicted to work. They ran a theatre at the school I went to. One of my memories when we first moved to the town where my father got that particular job is of my brother (3 years older) cycling up to the theatre one evening in his pyjamas. Because he was worried I suppose and they had left us at home. He was 3 years older than me so would have been 11 and me 8, same age my kids are now. My mum would bring us back chocolate bars.

Their attention was elsewhere. They weren't interested in me or my achievements or problems. Another memory I have is of my mum doing some gardening and me wanting to talk to her because I felt so unhappy about something going on with my friends. I just remember her not wanting to know, just being utterly distracted in her thoughts.

I've been looking at how we are as parents in this day and age. We are on laptops, phones, reading the paper; chatting with friends or working. I've been thinking emotionally available means emotionally available and present for people. I want and need to be emotionally available and present for my children. Their father shrinks away from emotions- it's too much for him. The only one he lets out easily is anger.

I don't remember a time either of my parents looked me in the eye and connected with me. They were always looking elsewhere. No wonder BPD ex made me swoon. No wonder somebody loving me makes me swoon.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Maria, Your post strikes a chord with me, several actually.  I appreciate your honesty.  I grew up around alcohol.  Both of my parents were drinkers.  My dad is a recovering alcoholic.  My mother seemed to drink alcoholically after her divorce, but she eventually stopped drinking.  I think she abuses prescription medication sometimes, now, though. 

Both of parents put a lot of energy into work as well, like yours... esp. my father.  I would say he was addicted to work.  He was very rarely home, and I remember him missing my birthday party and forgetting to pick me up from karate lessons, etc. 

It seemed important to me (and I still notice it today) to listen to what they had to say, but I felt my voice was not that important, or that they didn't want to hear what I had to say.  Were (are) they afraid of what I have to say?  I wonder sometimes.  I think I've been overly patient at times with my family.  They are not always the safest people for me to go to.  I consider my recovery family more like family sometimes.

I stopped drinking years ago.  I used ecstasy and other substances, like you, when I was younger.  I am so thankful for my sobriety.  My life would be in shambles without it.  I am also in my 40's.  I don't think you have to know for sure whether or not your parents were alcoholics.  The fact that you are recognizing addictive patterns and unhealthy relating is key.  This recognition will help you model healthier relationships for your future.  Without that awareness, we keep repeating the same patterns.

I really liked what you said about being present for others.  This seems so important, and especially for children.  I'm sure you are a great Mom.  Keep up the good work, Maria.   

[maria1]

Thank you Phoenix 

I'm trying very hard to be present for them, sometimes that can be too much though. I'm also trying to give them space to just be with their moods and upset so I don't try and fix everything. I can see them becoming codependent and that is really hard. I can't stop it but I'm working on being beside them with it and knowing as much as I can about it. I went to Al anon last week. It was great.

I can't really drink at all at the moment as I've been so tired. It's a good thing. My best friends are people who also struggle with knowing they walk a fine line on the edges of addiction.

I remember very clearly something that the woman my children's father is now in a relationship with said to me years ago. I was going for a night out with some girlfriends. I ended up sharing a taxi with her. I had left my daughter at home probably for one of the first times. I got in the taxi and asid it felt weird leaving my daughter to go out. She said:

"Maria, children should NEVER get in the way of a good night out". No, no , no and no again. A night out should never come first in my opinion. My kids are just beginning to be aware of alcoholism and seeing that their father and his girlfriend have a problem. It is incredibly hard for them. It's strange that all that is happening at the same time as I am looking into my own past. I do wonder where I would be if my stomach didn't mean I just can't take alcohol . I think my mother may have been the same. I remember her being very ill after parties sometimes.

Missing your birthday party sounds sad for you Phoenix, and forgetting to pick you up. I have school books that I found after many years from when I could just write. I wrote the same story over and over, big kid's writing ' Mummy didn't get me from school today, so I went to Katie's house'. She wasn't drunk she was working.

You are doing great Phoenix. Big respect to you.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Al-Anon is great.  I started attending more regularly during and after relationship with ex.  Those people have some  wisdom when it comes to sticking to your side of the street in relationships.

Thank you Phoenix 

She said:

"Maria, children should NEVER get in the way of a good night out". No, no , no and no again. A night out should never come first in my opinion.

Yikes, I gotta agree with you on this one! 

I received an email this morning about one of my step-dad's family members who died (likely overdose).  She was in her 40's and had 2 teenage children.  She was very smart and attractive growing up, but got heavily involved in alcohol and drugs... . I think mainly alcohol as she got older.  I believe my ex used to drink with her sometimes.  Very tragic.

I'm sorry for you, too, Maria that your parents were absent.  You deserve love and attention.   

[maria1]

Thank you Phoenix- we are good people and we do deserve it. My exBPD was better to me than any of my other partners in terms of looking after me and giving me love and attention. That's when he wasn't lying to me and looking for other women on dating websites of course!  And I can laugh about it now I think without pain, well, only a little twinge maybe.

That's so sad about your step dad's family member. Dependency to drugs or alcohol always struck me as a long slow suicide really. As if one doesn't care enough about oneself to get out and away from the short term fix. I know there's much more to it of course. I think of non's compulsive attraction to pwBPD in the same way. I think if I didn't have kids I'd have kept going back for more from my BPDex.

I really don't want the fix any more. I think I've finally kicked the habit!

[Phoenix.Rising]

I really don't want the fix any more. I think I've finally kicked the habit!

Wow, that's powerful.  I can't say I'm there 100%, but I think I'm getting there.  Your words encourage me.

[maria1]

I honestly never thought i would think it or say it. I really feel like it was mainly lies. Mainly to give him what he needed. Allowed myself to face the lies recently and it's ok- I'm ready now. I see his face and it just disturbs me. Can't promise it will stay like that!