retired marine w/ 3 kids and a BPD wife who wants a divorce... again.

[OmittedGuardian]

I have been with my BPD wife since 2002. We have three children 7, 6, and 7mths. During that time I was active duty in the Marines until 2011. 4 years into our marriage she was diagnosed with BPD then later DID. I have stopped her suicides on 3 separate occasions, have had 5 military and civilian restraining orders, have endured through her drug abuse of otc and illegal, her time as a stripper, and more. I have understood her conditions and how she works and have endured through it all, always being her source of strength and love and never shunning her.

She recently filed for divorce and a fresh restraining order against me. She informed me coldly that she had been cheating on me for the last month when I was working all day then taking over for her at night for the last 2 weeks so she could go out with friends and vent so as to not feel trapped. She used that as a means to see him. She has been trying to paint me as an abusive, cheating, manipulative man to everyone we know includong my children. I haven't seen my children since march 23 and my wife just moved out of her mothers with my children to some unknown residence without notifying any courts or the police. She has no job so the only way for her to have a new unkown residence is if she shacks up with her new man.

She will always be the mother of my children and they will be exposed to her no matter what and I need to know how to get her help for their sake.

[mamachelle]

Hello OmittedGuardian,



Wow, you certainly have a lot going on.

Are you still active duty ?

How many times has she filed for divorce? Is this time more serious than the others or is it just more of the same as far as you can tell?

Can you talk with her family or your family or friends... .   to get some help and support?

It sounds like you want to help her as well as see your kids.

We have a lot of resources here for you, for your relationship, and of course the serious legal issues she is creating with her dramatic moves.

Do you have an attorney at this point?

Let us know a little more of your story so we can direct you to the best resources.

Best,

Mamachelle

[OmittedGuardian]

I'm no longer active duty. I was discharged honorably for completion of my time. This is the second time things went to the divorce side but first time anything has been officially filed. It's definitely more serious than the previous times she's gone through her cycles. The last time things were this bad I was in training in cali and she brought drugs into my house and the base was called about it by one of my friends wife. They came and arrested my wife and my family had to come to NC from IN to get my children. My house was deemed uninhabitable due to human and animal waste all over the floors and one of my pets died and it's corpse was in my garage which was attached to the house. My children were malnourished and in filthy clothes. Apparantly she was transitioned most of the 2 months I was gone into one of her alternate personalities who viewed the children as " things to keep alive". My command flew me home within 48 hours just missing my children. I didn't see them for 8 months. My wife was ordered to parenting classes and convicted of child neglegence. However because of how strong of a father I was and a stable husband the Corps dropped the drug charges since she was in my care. We were ordered to attend parenting classes which she didn't fully complete because she went back to indiana early to set up a house for us. She left 2 months ahead of me. While back home without being able to see the children she contacted an old ex who was divorced and couldn't see his children due to physical violence on his part. That man was who she ended up falling in love with at that time to replace me. Luckily he was in central america at the time and she couldn't physically be with him. She wanted a divorce then. Knowing her cycles and her history of men I knew she loved me and she was sabotaging her life because she was afraid of the changes happening in our lives. I remaind patient through this. 2 weeks before I came up to IN I had set up visitation for her with the children. She took them for a visit and never returned them home. She then filed a restraining order on me using false accusations of violence. Once I got out and back to indiana within a week she had met me numerous times at hotels and restaraunts to talk and make ammends then revoked the restraining order and we resumed life.

She had medicaid for her and the children and was receiving meds then. After she gave birth to my youngest son the medicaid and pills ran out for her and everything went south slowly. I was collecting unemployment while she was working but she was pregnant and couldn't do her job. Her empolyer allowed me to come in part time to help her. Soon she stopped working and I took over her job in order to keep he position available because she wanted to return there. I lost my unemployment benefits through the Marines because of this but knew I had other opportunities line up and it would be temporary. Soon the employer was giving me more and more jobs to fullfill and eventually didn't want her back. When I started working there our income was cut in half and it took up most of my time. Every month we were -70 dollars just covering rent, insurance, and electricity. She got us on food stamps which helped immensly. I saw she was getting restless but with a newborn and no money I couldn't take her out and spend the time with her I wanted to so I stayed up at nights watching our children so she could go out with friends that I knew of. She ended up using that to be with another man instead. Now she wants a divorce and has actually filed for it. March 23rd was the last time I saw my children. A few weeks before she left she transitioned into one of her alters and a few days after that she threw my youngest on the floor as he was breast feeding and he bit her because he was teething. She told me that she resented our baby and viewed him as a trap to stay married to me. About that same time she also made a comment that if she had the money she would figure out how much viccoden would be needed for her size to "perminantly" stop her pain.

Now she has moved out of her mothers house where the courts and her family could keep an eye on her. Wellness check by the police were being conducted as well as cps were checking on them. She gave no forwarding address and didn't file an intent to relocate through the courts. My hearing for the restraining order was set for apr 10 but the morning of she had her lawyer transfer it to a different court and now I cannot contest it for even longer. She is still not working and cannot afford a house on her own which means she is getting financial help but the only one capable to do that at this point would be her new man. She has painted me as a drunken abusive cheating husband when I have never even come close to doing anything like those things.

[ForeverDad]

She will always be the mother of my children ... .   Yes.

and they will be exposed to her no matter what ... .   Probably, though how much exposure is up to you.

and I need to know how to get her help for their sake. ... .   Wrong request, at least wrong request for peer support.  You have several issues to deal with, issues you've had to deal with for virtually the entire relationship, and if you could have helped her before now, she would have responded.  You did try, many times, but she either ignored your help, rejected it or kept reverting back to her life-long behavioral patterns.

Better than to ask how to help her, which sooner or later failed over and over in the past, is how to help yourself and help the children.  That should be your focus.  She's an adult, albeit a troubled and disordered adult.  She has consequences for her actions.  Don't help her avoid them.  Doing that would be enabling more poor behaviors, not to mention sabotaging yourself and your parenting.  She hasn't and won't reciprocate similarly for you or the children.

Yes, long term therapy and actual progress in application of said therapy would certainly help her and those around her.  But that's for her to choose.  History says she hasn't done that, not consistently and not for long.  Maybe she never will.  Again, she's an adult, it's her choice how she lives her life.  It YOUR choice how you deal with that fact, how you live YOUR life, how determined YOU are to parent your children.

Yes, that may be a paradigm shift in your perspective.  Accept what is, learn what your options are and then move forward with the practical strategies.

Short term #1 ... .   defend yourself from her false allegations.  Probably you're already doing that, but review your strategies to ensure you no longer are protecting her from her actions.  You know who the more capable parent is and it's certainly not her.  Don't sell yourself short and hinder your legal and parental options.[/quote]
Now she has moved out of her mother's house where the courts and her family could keep an eye on her. Wellness check by the police were being conducted as well as cps were checking on them. She gave no forwarding address and didn't file an intent to relocate through the courts.[/quote]
Short term #1 (this is just as important as #1, so pardon me for not listing it as #2) ... .   Locate the children, while at the same time doing what you can to get temporary custody of the children.  Since there has been continuing involvement with CPS, police and courts, do not hesitate to contact them and seek their assistance in locating the children and supporting your efforts to get custody.  You know what happened the last time she was unsupervised, try to avoid letting her repeat history.

Long term ... .   She wants to leave you.  Sadly, that's probably your reality, the relationship is over.  However, you are still the children's father and that does not end however much she may claim otherwise.

She has chosen to start a relationship with another man.  Yes, despite still being married to you.  But as an adult, it is her choice.  You can't tell her no.  (Your option is to end the marriage.)  That may be hard to accept and not resist.  She can quickly shift her affections and perceptions as you've just described.  Many disordered people exhibit such erratic behaviors.  However, reasonably normal people like yourself can't switch gears overnight and just turn off the love, hopes or dreams.  But it is a shift you'll have to make.  It is what it is.

Frankly, there is no indication she will ever behave better with stability and consistency toward you or the children.  Maybe she will some day.  No one knows the future, anything is possible, even the unlikely, but meanwhile make your choices upon the facts.  She should not be the primary caregiver or custodian of the children.  Likely as long as you're married, it will be impractical to get long term orders from the court or agencies without her making minimal improvements and getting the kids back over and over.  Seeing that she doesn't want to be married to you anymore and your practical needs for long term parenting, you ought to divorce and seek custody of the children.  From what you've described her contact with the children should be supervised to some extent so (1) the children aren't neglected or abused and (2) she can't disappear again with them.  How closely or loosely monitored that contact ought to be is up to you, the agencies and court to decide.

[Matt]

Omitted,

First, let me thank you for your service.

Following up on the other good stuff from your new friends here... .  

Many of us here have been through similar stuff (though the DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder which I think used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder - is not a focus of this community).  There are several huge issues here, and you'll need to break them down and work through them separately I think... .  

One is the diagnosis - both BPD and DID.  These both have huge implications for the kids.  You'll want to educate yourself and your attorney on how each of these disorders in the parent is likely to affect each child over time.  One place to start is "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson;  pay attention to the footnotes, and look up as many scholarly papers as you can find to assemble solid evidence that being with their mother increases the risk a lot.

The logic that is often used is "But the kids have been with her the last few weeks and they seem to be OK."  Research shows that kids who are in the care of someone with untreated BPD are at much, much higher risk for many serious problems, including substance abuse and mental health problems.  So the issue is not, "Has she harmed them already?", it's "Which is the lower-risk parent?".  I haven't read about DID, but I think it's reasonable to guess that it also adds to the risk for the kids - find research that shows that, and make it a key part of your plan.

Also, if you don't have copies of those diagnoses, get them.  I'm not a lawyer (and nobody here can give you legal advice) but you might have to subpoena those diagnoses at some point in the process.

Then, if you go to trial, you may need to find an expert witness to connect the dots - Ms. Guardian has BPD and DID, she has been diagnosed, her behaviors are in synch with those diagnoses, and kids in the care of someone with those problems are at higher risk for many big problems over time;  therefore it is not in the kids' interests to be in the care of their mother.

A second (or maybe first) huge issue is finding the right attorney.  It should be someone who has experience and can describe what she has learned in cases like this.  Many attorneys will advocate a "collaborative" divorce, or say that diagnoses like these aren't important - not what you need.

You can get lots of background on successful legal strategies in "Splitting" by William A. Eddy, which deals specifically with divorcing someone who has BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).  Eddy's web site, www.highconflictinstitute.com, has lots of good information too.

You'll want an attorney who is ready to do what is needed to help you get the outcome you believe is best for the kids - probably primary custody for you and maybe supervised visitation for Mom.  The reason to consider supervised visitation is if you have a reasonable concern that she could be alienating them - telling them stuff about you that isn't right.

Which gets us to the accusations... .  

[Matt]

Many of us here have been falsely accused of domestic violence and other stuff.  My wife frequently accused me of cheating on her, often in front of the kids, and our marriage finally ended when she physically attacked me and then called 911 and accused me of domestic violence.

It's important to confront each specific accusation, or at least those which are on the record.  Identify each specific accusation and either prove that it is false, or show clearly that it is not backed up by any evidence.  Show that there is a pattern of false accusations.  If possible, show that she could not have believed it when she said it - that it was a deliberate lie, not a mistake.

One way to do this is through depositions.  My attorney filed a motion to depose my wife for four hours, and they did likewise, so we each were sworn in and questioned by the opposing attorney.

She was deposed first.  I had prepared my attorney with a number of questions, largely about the false accusations, and she skillfully followed up on my wife's answers, to isolate details which we could easily disprove.  The transcript showed more than 40 false statements, and we knew we could prove 10 or 20 of them false, and we could prove that she knew some of those were false.

Then there is a time after depositions but before trial, during which you can gather the evidence you need, and you can show that evidence to the opposing attorney, so she will know that if you go to trial, her client will be put on the stand, and confronted with evidence which proves she lied under oath.  That means she will be at criminal risk, and no attorney can ethically put her client in such jeopardy.  The attorney must advise her client to settle, to avoid trial.

You'll be told, "This isn't a criminal matter, divorce is a civil matter, and you haven't been charged with a crime, so just ignore the accusations."  Bad plan!  If you don't prove each accusation false, or at least show that it is not backed up with evidence, and show that there is a pattern of false accusations, the court may believe that "where there's smoke there's fire".

You need to put 100% of your focus on what is best for the kids, and let go completely of the marriage and the relationship.  Let go completely of "helping her", though that is a noble idea - you of all people cannot help her, but you are the one person who must help the kids.

Some of your family and friends may tell you to take it easy, compromise, stand down.  And if the other side makes a settlement offer which you think is in the kids' best interests, great - you might save the cost of a trial.  (In fact, if you move forward strongly toward trial, it's very likely they will do that, very shortly before the trial date.)

But always keep in mind your top objective - however you decide to define it - and let your wife, her family and friends, and her attorney concern themselves with what is in her interests.  Her interests are probably at odds with the kids' interests, because she will want to be their primary parent, and it's not in their interests to be around someone with BPD and DID very much.  So standing down and compromising are not what your kids need you to do, at least until there is an offer from the other side that you believe is good.

Best wishes, and please continue to draw on this community - it helped me a lot when I was where you are.

Matt

[OmittedGuardian]

Thank you Matt.

I have studied DID extensively and found out that the BPD when gone untreated in severe cases may cause the DID. DID is a defensive shield for the main personality's mind. When a situation occured that the original personality couldn't cope with and being that the mind was already fractured by BPD an alternate stronger personality is created to handle the situation and future ones. In essence DID in my experience is a symptom like a cough, sneeze, or swelling but for the mind. Designed to protect and aid the desires and core wants of the original but with less attachment to the results. Like the original personality is the mother. The second personality is more like an aunt. Her third personality is like a hired babysitter and so on. each subsequent personality she has developed gets stronger but has less emotions. Currently she has 3 with names and a 4th who hasn't been out enough to be sentient for lack of a better word. The strongest alter was responsible for the charge of child neglect and bringing pot into my military housing on base while I was away for 2 months.

I have already spoken with her therapists from when she was getting help, one even aided me with cps as she was also a main contact for them and handled many cases for them. My lawyer has submitted the subpoena contacts to the judge and we should have all the records soon.

I am just having the hardest time believing that after all of this we have gone through there is no other solution besides divorce.

[Forward2free]

Don't let ":)ivorce" make you feel like you have failed as a husband.

It helped me to recognize that I had given 100% everyday of my marriage and I tried in every way to save it. Eventually, you need to let go of the idea that you could have a good marriage with that person. Being married to someone with mental health issues is not a marriage where normal rules apply. Being a good husband is not enough, and most likely never will be.

Put your children first, their safety, health, peace of mind and need for love and security is more important and getting that from a loving single father is worth so much more than living with a disordered parent in a dysfunctional marriage. You have a chance to provide them with the kind of family that they need to thrive.

If your wife gets the help she needs, anything is possible. Nothing you can do or say to your wife will get her any closer. It has to be something she decides for herself.

Most people on this board have tried in vain to keep a bad marriage going for many reasons - like me, for the kids and for the kind of love that you would do anything to feel again. On the other side of Divorce is acceptance, love, peace, forgiveness, stability, independence etc. It's worth taking a leap of faith to see how your children will thrive in the right family home.

My 2 kids and I are a better family with the 3 of us than we ever were as 4 with N/BPDxh under our roof.

[Matt]

I am just having the hardest time believing that after all of this we have gone through there is no other solution besides divorce.

Most of us struggled with this same issue.  I stayed married for 12 years, thinking that my wife would decide any day that she was tired of being so unhappy, and would get help.  I stayed til it just wasn't an option anymore - staying out of jail and continuing work, and taking care of the kids, meant being apart from her.

The key is to separate all the solutions she can choose from the solutions you can choose.  The best solution might be for her to get the help she needs, and maybe in time she would be able to be in a relationship and be a good mother.  That's a solution she could choose - not one that you can choose.

The solutions you can choose are more limited.  You can't choose treatment for her - she has to make that commitment, and from what you've said, she isn't doing that.  You can choose to remain living with her, or to separate.  You can also choose to go fast with the divorce, or slow, or even put it on hold - that's what I did, for most of a year.  All those options have advantages and disadvantages, and only you can judge which of them is best for you and for your kids.

But... .   you need to let go of the solutions that you can't choose, and decide among those you can.

[nak]

Semper Fi!

The loyalty that is instilled in us through training and service definitely carrys over into our personal life. We are taught JJDIDTIEBUCKLE and memorize those words, live by that code and walk the straight and narrow ( eps in the Corps ) . However, nothing in our training teaches us how to let go of an unhealthy r/s. You have been devoted to your wife and family but she is not able to be the person you need in your life. My uBPDex never respected me for my service in the Corps and could care less about the military or patriotic service. When I was working my butt off to pay the bills, she was busy at the local welfare office signing us up for free cereal, cheese and milk. My income was/is over 6 figures and I was very upset that she'd done this. Her explaination was "Well , it's free!" . She never told them about my income.

I know that you want to believe that if X happens then perhaps you can just turn the corner and the r/s will be okay. I wish I could go back and shake myself for believing this countless times. No matter what you do to save/rescue her she must learn to save herself if it's even possible. There is no way to have a r/s with a BPD unless *they* are committed to going to treatment and getting better.

Listen to your head. Put your heart in the sand for now. The kids are you primary concern. Set *boundaries* and create some distance. This dance is either going to end badly for you or with you saving yourself and the kids.

Reading your story you will probably get the same advice my lawyer gave me and that is " ... .   you have an overwhelming case for custody ... .   " .  You may not enjoy the idea of a daily life with kids and no wife/woman in the home to fill that spot in the kids lives and in your bed but the sooner you *ADAPT* and *OVERCOME* the sooner YOUR road to RECOVERY. And you will need to recover from this r/s . No person puts up with all the abuses that you have been through without suffering . Talk to someone. Preferably a BPD trained counselor. You can even find them online if you google.

You may also benefit from reading this:

'TILL DEATH DO US PART

BPD and The Marriage Crucible

/deathtrap.html

Take care Devil Dog

[OmittedGuardian]

Thanks Nak.

It sucks that I have to use that nifty little ability to turn things off inside in order to get things done with. I never thought I would have to use the things the core taught me against someone I was designed to protect. I've come to the conclusion that in order to be her defender I have to stop defending her. To let her crash and burn and not be there to help scrap her back up off the ground. She needs to learn to pick herself up and see how bad her life will get so she knows that she needs to get help.

She started getting help and during those times life was the greatest. Not perfect but she was getting better and vocalized her heart. The children were healthy and happy and she had her meds to help her. Then she decided she didn't need it anymore and that with my support she could lick this. Soon she stopped going to therapy and slowly everything came undone that was working.

No matter what I know I have to divorce her for growth to happen. She is no longer my responsibility and her reprocussions will belong to her. I still have issues with that especially because of her reprocussions carrying over to the children. I hope in time they will understand why we need to put space between us and mommy. I know all of this and unfriggin fortunately that doesn't make it any easier but its time to shut that off and get it done.