I remember going through such considerations as yours about my exH.
Almost everything I tried to accomplish through co-parenting did not work because he just couldn't show up and parent consistently or follow through with agreements. His lack of follow through and consistency would work me up into a lather of frustration.
Eventually it dawned on me that what didn't work in the marriage certainly wasn't going to work during the divorce or its aftermath. I had to place his parenting skills in perspective and accept that whatever emotion he felt toward our children or me, would be temporary and as stated:
If you can picture all 3 happening simultaneously in the space of 10 minutes along with a big dose of feeling as if she is the worst mom on the planet and you are the worst dad on the planet... .
He never showed up for anything consistently, not scheduled visitations, or agreements. If anything, the more I tried to "include" him in parenting decisions, he would swing 180 in the opposite direction.
The source of my frustration was expecting an overgrown, immature child to parent. When I realized this, that he didn't have the skills or tools to parent, I gradually ceased worrying about the depth of his emotions, or even if genuinely cared about our children... . I realized how much I cared about them and became determined to be a steady balanced parent, and to keep our home calm and structured if I was going to lessen the BPD (w/NPD traits) storm my children faced when exposed to their father. Sometimes I seethed with bitterness and rage... . but this would happen usually when I tried to co-parent with him because he would seize the opportunity to play the children against me. I quit including him at all, I never asked his opinion, and any communication was done via email to ensure documentation of the communication. If there is an important event, I send the information without invitation, for instance, a ball game, or a choir concert. When I used to invite him, he never showed, unless he had a new GF to impress then he would show up with her and do the dance, even act cordially toward me, when usually he calls me by everything but my name if he catches me alone. He shows up more often now because I don't invite, I just supply information.
I wonder if you have some residual hope that he will follow through as a parent? Some hope that he can co-parent... . and if you do, what is that hope about?
I know mine was knowing the children deserved a different father and feeling sad and and guilty that I did not provide them one and letting go of my dream of a united family.
It is complicated but please keep posting and trying... . you will find your way.
C
