Caught her Red Handed, I need help

[Whichwayisup]

Long story short - after a day with her folks and the kids she fell asleep and I grabbed the phone I pay for and found all her messages confirming that she has been cheating on me for a while and working a way into someone else - I take my phone and leave the house returning to my own - leaving her asleep with the kids and her folks - WHAT DO I DO NOW? i have taken evidence of the messages they have shared and yes it makes my sick!

What do I do next? Help me please. it 2.15am in the UK and I'm so lost

[Whichwayisup]

How do I approach things Ref the children: I am happy to get her bags and give them to her, she ain't coming back in the house - I want the kids  -Can't get legal advice til Tue as it's UK bank hol today  -April Fools Day Ha how ironic... .   I am packing her things to give to her when she comes in the morning

[marbleloser]

If you were in the US,the smart thing to do would be to not show your cards at this moment.An affair in the US isn't going to do anything regarding custody(most times).

It'll be difficult,but if you can do it,don't even let her know,that you know.

This does two things.You get to keep documenting and you get to spend more time with the kids.More time with kids = more favor for you in court.Don't leave the kids with her.

Get to an atty asap! Do not let her know you know ANYTHING until you speak to an atty. and then you can work out a gameplan with the atty.

Above all else,do not leave the marital home and get a digital recorder to keep on you at all times the wife is home.

You don't want any false allegations brought up against you.

[marbleloser]

This is also a great time to hire a PI and get photos,since you know it's occurring.

[Whichwayisup]

Cheers Guys,

Couple of things too late, I left her folks and am now in the marital home alone - I expect she will go aper when she wakes and realises I'm not their and neither is the phone.

I have checked and she has been messing for at least the last two weeks.  She has also been googling solicitors and houses.

I want to get the kids back and she can have her belongings (the mortgage is only in my name solely but I expect she will get really nasty now - too late to play it low key... .   I have enough documentation from Nov of our exchanges and have been documenting her behaviour since Jan when I fell into BPD.

I'm guessing tomorrow as it's a bank holiday I won't get legal advice and she won't return the kids either... .   they are gonna be heartbroken... .  

[mikewbpdwife]

I think its best for you to cool down first. Don't let anger cloud your judgement. List down the things she did that's emotional or physically harming to you and your children. If she's proven to be mental or uncapable of caring, then the judge would rule more in your favor... . You know with sexting, its difficult to prove the scale of her infidelity, abeit to a lesser scale.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, Whichwayisup! 

There is the emotional part, the anger, feeling lost, misstrust.

And the legal side of it. I couldnt say it better than mike:

Don't let anger cloud your judgement.

Wait until the easter days are over and you can get information about the legal side, us much as possible.


For the legal part I would recommend you the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody.

[Whichwayisup]

Cheers,

She has just called and I have left all her things on the doorstep for her to take - she wasn't for admitting even to her own mum and dad what she had done - Does she have the right to come back into the house, I have told them I will be reasonable and provide anything they need if they ask. I don't want her to come back at this time.  She and the Kids are up at her parents at the moment.

[slimmiller]

I know the 'sick' feeling! Unfortunately :'(

They make terrible cheaters. There have been times I wished mine could just have had an affair and kept her act together for the sake of the kids and at least be civil to me. Or at least we have an open relationship if nothing else. (I know me being willing to give anything and everything while she gives nothing) But no, when they have the next guy to go to (saftey net) they have to lash out and paint us black and all the while try and disregulate us into making the rash angry decisions to make them look justified in leaving. SICK indeed

I want to say what others say here, reamin cool and play your cards right so as not to make rash decisions but... .   If you are ready to make the decision to not be around her anymore (with the fact you have kids) then do it. I have put up with the presence of mine way more then is healthy for me but I did it for the kids (She knows it and is using me). I always envoy someone when you can make a break and go NC. What I wouldnt give to never see that creature again... .  

[Whichwayisup]

At the moment it's quite the opposite.  She will not let the kids come back to the house without her... .   I'm getting some legal advice tomorrow but don't really want her to come back, in doing this I won't see my kids unless I invite the cheater back into the house which she has eyes on taking ot over from me... .  

She cheats and has been ting to get away from the house for the last few weeks, and now I seem the bad guy and she wants to actually be here to continue her happy family act whilst engineering an affair... .  

[marbleloser]

If you can in the UK(you can do this in the US) go to the courthouse,file for exclusive use of the marital home and for the children to be returned to the marital home.

Since you're expecting her to go "apers",you can use that as a reason for exclusive use.

Change the locks on the house if you don't want her in there.

[Whichwayisup]

Thank Marbleloser,

I can't see a solicitor 'til Thur. to even get legal advice (one firm could only fit me in next week!)

I'm chatting to Citizens Advice tomorrow here in the UK about the current situation and will see the solicitors who seem to specialise in "Fathers Rights".

Doesn't stop me from having my kids effectively being held away with her to blackmail me.  I don't understand the reason they can only return if their adulterous mother does, I don't want to give her the option to be alone with me and concoct some BS claim (she has effectively left the relationship and has demonstrated her intent to moving in with another or finding another place to live through evidence I found on the phone.  If she cant have it, then she wants it? If only she wanted it when she was here... .  

Is it understandable to request that she stays away for a few days, not fair on the kids being used as pawns in her game.

Why can't crisis services deal with a crisis point?   Frustrating at having to wait.

Regards,

Whichwayisup

[slimmiller]

Its sad when they use their children like that. Mine does that too but it only lasts a few days then she misses 'him' and wants to get rid of the kids (on the odd days she actually spents any time with them) so she can go play.

My guess is she will hang on to the kids mainly to hurt you. At least in my case thats the case. (She never had any pics up of me or my kids, 'shes not a picture person', but now she has pics up of his little neices) They become so self evident. Makes me want to gag

Do you know if she is involoving the kids at all in his life (meeting him etc)? I know this is not something you want to think about right now but my guess is, she is playing, and the kids get in her way eventually. They seem to want to live the life they missed as a teenager... .

I know its damn hard but try and remain cool because if you get irrational in any way she will use it against you.  A good book on this is "Splitting"  You really should read it to get an idea of what you are in for from a legal perspective

[Whichwayisup]

I've had an admission from her folks that they overreacted yesterday and are keen for me to see them-but the eldest two didn't want to come back with out their mum (which I fully understand as they will be feeling conflicted) -

Good news is that I said I wanted to meet in a public place to see them if they wouldn't come back, so we're all going for a burger for lunch tomorrow, feels like a bit of progress!  I can see the long game whilst I know it's hurting me and the kids, I am gathering all my evidence from texts, my notes, family messages I have sent which build up a case of her emotional instability, as it's only happened between the two of us it's difficult to get concrete evidence.  To the best of my knowledge the other fella is married and has gone to work away all this week - I think their evening trysts at his place must have been while his wife was out? (frankly don't know and don't want to any longer - I lost her a few weeks ago (when I suspect the hater phase had begun - I served my purpose - she moved on.

Great recommendation on "Splitting" (thanks LockedOut) but now I'm worried how much to disclose to the solicitor I have a lot of evidence including her own admission that she needs help and she even wrote the new fella a text saying "Can't help feelings, just need to control them"  if I knew then what I know now ... .  

Yeah, I keep telling myself I stayed cool when I suspected it and the only difference is that it's confirmed now - think I will have to make it clear that we can only talk about the kids until I'm able to get to see the solicitor (hence the reason I want her not to come t the house and will only meet in public)