Next Sunday

[theboro504]

Just venting a little here. So, this coming Sunday was to have been our wedding date. Yes, I know its best that it didn’t happen and that things were discovered before hand, but let’s face it, none of that does much to kill the sadness of seeing how things “could” have been, that aren't going to be. Is life really supposed to be this hard? Is loving another person always this fraught with drama and dysfunction? I mean, so far in my adult life it HAS been, but surely it doesn’t have to be.

I don’t mean to keep harping on this, but it’s a big deal to me that in 2006 I took a look at myself and realized I’d had enough of what I’d become and quite frankly, as I read this board, I am aware that many of the behaviors I read about with pwBPD, I most certainly had myself.  It’s not impossible that some of them didn’t leak out in my r/s. In the normal course of counseling and the steps of recovering from various issues, I can claim some victory over being BPD myself. But it still sucks to watch this date approach and at 53 years old, it is hard not to realize, I oughta be handling love and life better than this by now.

My plan: the wedding was to be at a public park; so I plan to go there anyway. I will sit at the site and pray and finish a journal I have been writing. I will ride my bicycle as many miles as I can and I hope to come away from there stronger.  And maybe even a little ticked off.