A little more evidence that it wasn't me... The need to revisit lessens...

[findingmyselfagain]

I think it must be Easter. Somewhere deep inside I question the loss of the "family" that seemed so real then. It's a far away feeling but it's still there in hiding. I think that's part of why I decided to look at her blog today and I saw that she hadn't posted in several weeks apparently b/c she suffered the "most devastating loss of her life." My guess is that it's romance-related. She posts that she didn't eat or drink anything for a week. If it wasn't for her family and her faith, she doesn't know what she would have done. She doesn't say anything about her toddler daughter or anyone else. It's sad, but she's paralyzed completely by her feelings. I'm not present any more, but I was very close to her pain at one time. I used to be attracted to these damsels in distress. At one time I probably would have reached out to her to attempt to comfort her. Now I just say a prayer of peace for her. Maybe one day she'll find it, in the next life if not this one. It's sad to realize some people suffer so much from something that mostly is only in their heads. I would have had to live with drama after drama and emergency after emergency if we had married. It never would have ended. If she was a great catch and she could handle a relationship she would have one by now. I understand my issues so I'm on the path to a healthy r/s. That's the difference between me and her.

Finding out yet another r/s ended with her is more evidence that she's not the most awesome catch of all time as I thought she was at one time. I definitely wasn't perfect, but I treated her and her daughter very well, and I didn't and don't deserve to be treated like I was. She had a chance for a nice, drama-free life in which she could have lived out most of her dreams.  Strangely, I've been signed up for a Pandora account, various newsletters from her area, in the last few weeks. I only wonder if it may be a Waify way of maintaining contact. I know now I can't ever go near her. There's too much unhealthy attraction to me to those types. It's a little sad, but its getting easier for me to accept that. Life gets easier as I move forward. I think it's just the Easter season that kind of brought it out this time.

[mango_flower]

It was interesting to read this, as I can feel your pain in some ways, yet in other ways you sound so strong and so "moved on". 

It must be nice to have that realization that nothing you ever did would have been enough... .   to hear that another relationship ended.  It validates you.  Yet at the same time, it also hurts you as you realise how deep her pain runs.

I completely understand that feeling of how if the relationship had continued, you'd have signed up for a life of drama and emergencies... .   like you, my ex had a chance with me of a "normal" life - a happy life. But she chose to go down the road of drama and being the "victim"... .   it's frustrating as hell!

x

[ScotisGone74]

Thanks for sharing that findmyselfagain, it was a good read.  To be honest I don't know exactly how I will feel when my exBPD's current knight is shining white armor

is given his walking papers, I should probably feel validated at that point, but I don't need validation for myself really, I know what I know regardless of whatever the exBPD tells her family or enabler 'friends', or whatever she does on facebook.  To be honest it will probably feel like a hiccup because I won't be sad for her, she knows what she has done to herself and to others, including me, and my life is too short to continue feeling sorry for someone else who makes their own decisions.   

[findingmyselfagain]

I'd say the hardest step for me was just realizing that she is basically a "lost cause." Though we had our ups and downs during the r/s, I was pretty satisfied with it. It was a total shock to me when she hung out with her co-worker just 4 days after OUR WEDDING SHOWER. Though being nervous about marriage is understandable, it should also be relatively exciting to be officially committed to your soulmate. In a lot of ways I have "moved on." I believe it can just take a lot of time to get over losing what seemed like such a wonderful dream. There's a part of me that is very compassionate, which is good, and I could see a lot of my mom (and her pain) in my ex and I suppose a lot of me wanted to rescue a similar r/s.

Scot, it's definitely been hard to accept that someone who was once so close is for all practical purposes dead to me, and never really was who I thought she was at all. It's pure craziness. I talked to some of her former co-workers who knew her when we were together. They all told me that her past r/s's were definitely extreme. They felt sorry for her at first but after a while they noticed that her stories about her exH(s?) didn't match up. They were all surprised at how fast she fell for me. One of them told that she was always complimenting me and pretty much thought I was wonderful. She said she's still baffled at how she could run away at the last minute.

Acceptance has brought a lot of peace though. Just accepting that she is mentally ill. I was inexperienced at relationships when I met her. Throw in that my parents didn't have a healthy marriage, my mom is emotionally unstable, and my self-worth was a little low at the time (diabetes/those childhood issues, for whatever reason) I met her.

I see it more now as a very good lesson and it really forced me to look at myself and who I really am and what I want in life. I very nearly lost my job because I was in such a deep depression. But I pushed my way through by finding new friends, new activities, decorating my home. It's been a real, deep, intense struggle on all levels. But now I believe in myself and believe I deserve good things and that I need to live life for me (while still being a decent person, but not a rescuer.) Easter, was just that holiday that seemed special at the time and I believe that threw me back down into a little bit of sadness. Understandable, the good thing is that things get better and better over time. I know I would never date anyone like my ex ever again. I wouldn't date anyone who didn't treat me well the vast majority of the time. I believe I'm ready now when a romantic someone does come into my life. Lots of huge steps and progress to be celebrated. I just wonder now when/if she will make an appearance again now that I'm over it. I will probably just be friendly but ignore any attempts at anything beyond an email friendship though I don't even think she could handle that as much as things seem to trigger her.

Best of luck to us all as we go through the journey!