Stalking behavior

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Divorce is approaching. An agreement is in place. Separated for four months yet she continues to contact me daily. Says that for me to think that she will leave me alone is unrealistic. I have tried to keep limited contact. Tried appeasing her to keep her calm-yes i know it doesnt work. And no it hasn't worked. I get to work this morning and have an email from my credit card about changing my user id. Or a forgotten user id. This tells me she is trying to hack my account. She has done this once before and I had to straighten it all out. This is so she can keep tabs on me. She is trying to maintain a presence in my life. Lets me know in subtle ways that she is watching me. Tells me I cannot be away from her and that she knows what I am doing. Talks to people who know me trying to dig up dirt and find out if Im seeing someone. I am not. Its just very intrusive and so uncomfortable. If I protest she ratchets up the pressure. She is requesting a friends with benefits situation post divorce. She just can't get that we are over. How far does this stuff have to go to consider it stalking. Oh, and she has showed at my apartment unannounced after saying she wouldn't. And she has showed at my work and threatened to come upstairs if I didn't come down and talk to her. She pushes boundaries. I know about restraining orders. One is being built into the divorce paperwork. When can it be considered stalking and what are the most effective ways to make it stop?

[lost007]

Divorce is approaching. An agreement is in place. Separated for four months yet she continues to contact me daily. Says that for me to think that she will leave me alone is unrealistic. I have tried to keep limited contact. Tried appeasing her to keep her calm-yes i know it doesnt work. And no it hasn't worked. I get to work this morning and have an email from my credit card about changing my user id. Or a forgotten user id. This tells me she is trying to hack my account. She has done this once before and I had to straighten it all out. This is so she can keep tabs on me. She is trying to maintain a presence in my life. Lets me know in subtle ways that she is watching me. Tells me I cannot be away from her and that she knows what I am doing. Talks to people who know me trying to dig up dirt and find out if Im seeing someone. I am not. Its just very intrusive and so uncomfortable. If I protest she ratchets up the pressure. She is requesting a friends with benefits situation post divorce. She just can't get that we are over. How far does this stuff have to go to consider it stalking. Oh, and she has showed at my apartment unannounced after saying she wouldn't. And she has showed at my work and threatened to come upstairs if I didn't come down and talk to her. She pushes boundaries. I know about restraining orders. One is being built into the divorce paperwork. When can it be considered stalking and what are the most effective ways to make it stop?

[Forward2free]

From my personal experience, I have read your post and I consider it stalking too.

Anything that is an unwelcome intrusion into your life can be considered stalking, especially if you have set boundaries and she has ignored and defied them.

I did take out a protection order and I also changed my telephone number. Small steps, but until she finds a new target, you will  most likely be it.

N/BPDxh was a constant unwelcome presence in my life after the separation, but when he went steady with his affair partner and they moved in together, he was so busy trying to keep her happy and monitored that he didn't have time for me. We have 2 small children so I am never 100% off the radar, but he's onto a new partner and that keeps him very busy.

Maybe speak to the police to see what you need to do. Do they have a fraud officer that could look into the credit card access? Maybe she needs a warning or two to help her reassess her moves.

[lost007]

I have resisted police intervention. May indeed need to move that direction. Nothing seems to work. I've tried ignoring. It gets worse. Once over a hundred texts in a night. If I engage she wants more. If I try to move on she disrupts. There just seems to be no escape. She sent love message this am. Tonight she showed at my apartment. I didn't open the door so she started blasting dozens of texts. Accusing me of having a woman with me. I don't. Threatened to call off settlement and take me to court. Then begging to talk to me. I am just at a point that I almost can't function. I'm probably going to have to go to police. I've resisted as she has friends in the police department but friends or no I know that how I feel is really nervous and uncomfortable. It's getting worse. Seems you had similar. The new person helped and I'm praying for something similar. It's intrusion to the max. If I don't respond then emails start. If I shut that down she uses another number. If I shut that down she emails at work. Or shows at work. She has said she will never let me go. I guess she meant it. The horrible man she describes me as should be let go. He's bad news apparently. So bad that she wants him back and is willing to terrorize him to try and own him. It's terrible.

[Forward2free]

I felt like I could never escape and I thought I would be looking over my shoulder every minute, forever, no matter which part of the planet I thought I could hide.

It was relentless, he was relentless. He would sometimes break into my office, a 24hr talkback radio station, and call me from my desk. By the time security arrived, he was gone. He would turn up at my house any hour of the night, break in, and stand above me while I slept. On 2 occasions I could feel him in the room and I was terrified. I pretended I was asleep. It was nights when I had been with friends or family earlier and I am sure he was trying to catch me with someone else. He'd leave, and I'd sit up all night with my phone predialled for the police and slept with scizzors under my pillow for months.

He would text me as you said too, repeatedly. I was too terrified to not answer him or to turn it off. One night my male colleague grabbed my phone and was completely disgusted by the language, threats, intimidation etc of the previous 50+ messages I had received in 2 hours. He was so afraid for me he drove me home to my parents, and N/BPDxh was waiting for me and attacked me in front of the taxi.

It was insane, I was sick with worry and stress and I thought it wouldn't end. Truly.

4 years on, he only contacts me through the Lawyer, rarely, and it's often to do with the kids. I get some sightings and some intimidation or fishing through the kids, but it's a walk in the park in comparison.

While he is in a stable relationship with someone else, it pains me to think of what they are possibly going through, but I know that everyone has a choice and it's not my battle to fight.

If you are not ready to contact the police, try contacting a shelter or domestic violence hotline. I know it can be a harder step to take as a man, but you need to stand up to her and set some firm boundaries and the experts will be able to step you through the process. It's terrifying to think of what might happen, but can you honestly live the rest of your life as you are now?

It doesn't matter that she loves/hates/loves you at the same time. She probably just doesn't want anyone else to have you and the fear of being abandoned is so strong that she will try love/hate/love to get you to engage again. It's a pattern that we've all seen so often. Recognising the dance will help you to get your feet steady for the next one like waves on the sand.

[catnap]

A few suggestions:

Have your credit card cancelled and a new one issued. 

Let your employer (HR) know that you do not want your stbx at your place of employment.  What is their protocol for dealing with uninvited "guests" showing up?  Where I used to work, they were politely asked to leave.  If that failed, security was called and they escorted them from the building. 

Keep all of the texts, etc.  There are ways to take screen shots and print them out. 

[Thunderstruck]

From my experience with the pwBPD in my life (my SO's X), it is harassment for sure. But unless she threatens you it's hard to get an OOP (or RO). I've had the police call her and tell her to stop. I've had my L send a cease and decist. Think that stops her? Nope. But it calmed her down.

Block her number. Block her e-mails. Change ALL your passwords and pw hints/secret questions. If she shows up, call the cops and have them tell her it is trespassing. Then the next time she shows up she can be arrested.

But these laws vary by state so double check the laws where you are.

[lost007]

Seems I am not alone. So true kormilda on the love/hate thing. I can almost breathe a little when she is being rational. Yet I know that as soon as I do not do what she thinks I shou-i.e. have sex with her at her request then I am setting myself up for bombardment. She is a hair trigger these days. I don't yet have scissors but I am just wondering how far she will go. Sometimes I think,ok, she seems ok. Then I let my guard down a tad and BAM here it comes. Vicious things. Nastiness. Fear. Threats and intimidation. Thunder-I have done all those pw things. I cancelled the card-she had a card under my account but it was still my account. She will apparently call them and give them the answers she needs to hack again. I have had some success keeping her from my email, phone records. She has learned to show up and leave rather quickly before a call can be made. Then she will text me that I am not a man. Why am I hiding from her. Am I scared? Catnap-I am self employed. My office manager is aware of the situation. We are prepared. Yet she is cunning enough to just do enough to keep me anxious without likely getting into criminal stuff. From what I am reading on harrassment she already meets misdemeanor threshold. I just didn't know that a person(outside the movies) could do this stuff. I have my kids coming for the summer and I don't want to deal with this. She was there step mom and if she knows they are coming to town she starts in on me about ripping her out of their lives. I don't know how far she will go. Im going to have to do something. Affecting everything. I can't believe so many of you have had similar situations. It should just be unacceptable.

[ForeverDad]

Many financial sites have Hint Questions for you to use when you 'forget' your password or account.  She may be able to guess the standard hints, so make up false answers to the hint questions.  However, those hint questions are there for a purpose.  So be sure to document for yourself what your fake answers are so you can look them up in case you need to use those hints some day.

[lost007]

Forever dad-Thanks. Im just dumbfounded to even have to think this way. My therapist that has been helping me through this says that I need to stop being "astonished" when my stbx does something. I was just raised differently. We treated one another with respect. There was no intimidation or bullying. If you promised something you delivered, etc. Im nearly 50 years old. This whole situation has made me often feel as if I am 17 again. I've never had to live in fear. I've never had my life rocked this way. I have been divorced once before. A cakewalk. I didn't realize how nice it was. We disagreed but could always work it out. This animal is something totally different. I would say Im astonished-but I was told not to.