Are BPDs happy at all? Are we?

[redberry]

I'm sorry if this is a dumb question, but are BPDs ever truly, sustainably happy? I can sustain happiness, but I really don't think my uBPD waif friend can.  The only time he smiles, laughs, or even talks really is when he is drinking or smoking pot.  Otherwise... .   silence and sort of a poker face.  The times I have asked him what's wrong or if he is happy, he says "yes," or just talks around the question or blames temporary factors like stress at work.  But the intense emptiness that he seems to feel (looks like he is feeling) never seems to go away.

Any thoughts?

[lbjnltx]

Hello redberry,

Now that you have been out of this 7 month relationship for a two years what do you think has made this break up so hard for you?

lbjnltx

[Finished]

Can we? I don't know about everyone else but I can speak from my own experience ... . Yes ... .   I was happy for years prior to this relationship ... .  

Can they? I don't think so or at least not without intensive therapy ... .  

One of the things that was so hard about this relationship was that in four years not a single issue ever got resolved. Things snowballed and snowballed. The first year or so after it ended I kept looking for answers and understanding. I needed some type of closure because nothing ever made sense or truly ended. That was the build up of only four years. Can't imagine a lifetime of that. The pain I went through for the year or so after the relationship ended struggling to make sense of it all and close the chapter was horrible. Imagine a lifetime of running away from things. Nothing ever getting closed.

Eventually everything triggers the memories of the past, except it's not the past for pwBPD. Without closure things stay alive in our memories.

A pwBPD could be at a party laughing and having fun and something minor happens that triggers an unresolved issue and "bam" they are re-experiencing that.

So no ... .   I don't think they can have sustainable happiness ... .  

[Diligence]

Dear redberry,

I am aiming for joy (an overarching sense of well-being) rather than happiness.  My happiness comes and goes depending on my circumstances.

I think people with BPD are endlessly seeking happiness and endlessly falling short of it, sadly.

Warm regards!

[bb12]

Good question.

I don't believe they can. Their moods are too labile and unpredictable - even to themselves

Like yours, mine could only laugh and appear happy when drunk or high. The default was always pre-occupation with self and in a serious way. I think that as humans, we are most happy when we're giving. And to my view pwBPD don't give at all.

Can we be happy? Even better question.

Yes. I think so. I must admit that my happiness pre-xBPD was not long lasting or permanent. But I recall longish periods of feeling good. But post the BPD experience, I think I am developing a more solid state of happiness in that it comes from self-knowledge and an inner place. It is not dependent upon external things like other people, money, career. Not quite there yet, but I certainly cope with adversity better and don't catastrophise so much, which allows me to get back to a happier state faster.

BB12