It's over... but now what?

[dogpirate]

After outlining my struggle on the undecided board, I have cut ties with the intention of moving on permanently. Since February 22nd, I have had no contact with my exBPDgf of 3 years... .  except two text messages of weakness a few weeks apart asking how she was, with no reply. When am around other people, I am able to actualize my thoughts and embrace the feeling that I am moving on and that I owe it to myself to focus on improving my condition and my life, to stop worrying about her, and I feel good... .  

... .  But when I find myself alone, my mind starts to wander and I think back on her words in the end of our relationship, it just drives me nuts, especially if I'm struggling with stress from something else in my life (be it work, school, friends). She always used to be my pillar of comfort when I was struggling with something, and I was hers as well... .  so it has been tough going back to being alone in that aspect, and that is something I miss most about my relationship with her.

I'm also having a hard time grasping the grand scheme of what happened, and whether or not she was justified in her actions or whether or not I was a good boyfriend to her... .  I know that these thoughts serve nothing but to hinder my own progression, but I still get an aching sense of failure when thinking back to everything that has happened. My mind still dwells on very impulsive counterproductive thoughts such as ":)oes she still love me? Is what she said true? Is she happier? Does she think about me? What did I do wrong?" and it drives me crazy, it's like I can't control these thoughts and eventually they consume me and I find myself staying up til the point of exhaustion so when I lay down, I can be confident I will go to sleep that night and not lay in bed for hours.

Reading through the lessons on this board and on the undecided board has helped me immensely, but I find myself still struggling with my sense of self-worth, happiness, and identity... .  my question is:

What activities and reading materials have helped you cope with moving on from your exBPD loved one, and what advice do you wish you could've given yourself right after your break-up?

[mango_flower]

So sorry you're at that stage.  It's been 4 months for me and I still burst into tears at the drop of a hat, but generally I am better than I was, and have some good days now.

My advice is as follows:

1) Get back into anything you used to do before you met her.  For me it was as simple as reading a good book, as I didn't have time in a relationship

2) Resist the urge to check her facebook all the time - I couldn't stop immediately but limit it with a view to cutting down if you really don't feel you can go NC yet.

3) Focus on all the bad things - write a list of things she did that hurt you.  Do not dwell on the good.

4) Talk to friends - they sometimes point out other weird things your ex did and makes you realise that it wasn't normal.

5) Post here - the people are great and will really help you grasp what normality is once more (I felt I lost that a LOT)

6) Spend time with people she didn't know, so you don't have memories

7) For the first month or whatever, try and change your routine - go to a different supermarket than the one you went to together, for example.

8) I allowed myself a set time period per day of thinking about our relationship, dwelling, going over the what ifs.  And if she popped into my head at any other time, I'd just remind myself - not now, you will be spending 10 mins thinking about it at 7pm.  And redirect my thoughts.

I am aware that it's different for everyone - some advocate complete NC, but for me, if I just dismiss things and don't work through them in my own head then it actually makes me so much worse, I can't sleep, eat etc... .  it festers away at me.  I am a processor, I need to understand to move on.

Anyway - I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain is incredible. I have never felt anything like it.  But you WILL be ok in time.  You really will. People here are testament to that. x

[dogpirate]

Thanks so much for the reply mango! I am a processor as well, so NC is insanely hard for me too, because I need to come to conclusions and I need closure (even if it is from thinking myself silly). Making a list of all the bad things would help me immensely, and the idea for allotting a specific time of the day for worrying is something I also need to do, as now it can strike at any time and bum me out, even if it's around friends, work, school, etc.

I've stopped dreaming about her every night for the most part, and I've been able to regain some of my appetite... .  it is just hard. We aren't friends on facebook anymore and I can't see what she posts/does except for her blog, which she uses mostly to post about the guy she cheated on me with / left me for (the last "love" post she posted about me is only a month older than the first "love" post she posted about him... .  how easily she has moved on).

Part of me wants to make a list of every significant good/bad thing we did to each other and show it to other people just to gain some insight and really get a feel for what took place, as one of her biggest complaints was that I didn't do enough for her and that I mistreated her in so many ways, and I feel like some of what she said is true but at this point I'm not really in the right mindset to think that way... .  

[standfree]

After outlining my struggle on the undecided board, I have cut ties with the intention of moving on permanently. Since February 22nd, I have had no contact with my exBPDgf of 3 years... .  except two text messages of weakness a few weeks apart asking how she was, with no reply. When am around other people, I am able to actualize my thoughts and embrace the feeling that I am moving on and that I owe it to myself to focus on improving my condition and my life, to stop worrying about her, and I feel good... .  

... .  But when I find myself alone, my mind starts to wander and I think back on her words in the end of our relationship, it just drives me nuts, especially if I'm struggling with stress from something else in my life (be it work, school, friends). She always used to be my pillar of comfort when I was struggling with something, and I was hers as well... .  so it has been tough going back to being alone in that aspect, and that is something I miss most about my relationship with her

I'm also having a hard time grasping the grand scheme of what happened, and whether or not she was justified in her actions or whether or not I was a good boyfriend to her... .  I know that these thoughts serve nothing but to hinder my own progression, but I still get an aching sense of failure when thinking back to everything that has happened. My mind still dwells on very impulsive counterproductive thoughts such as ":)oes she still love me? Is what she said true? Is she happier? Does she think about me? What did I do wrong?" and it drives me crazy, it's like I can't control these thoughts and eventually they consume me and I find myself staying up til the point of exhaustion so when I lay down, I can be confident I will go to sleep that night and not lay in bed for hours.

Reading through the lessons on this board and on the undecided board has helped me immensely, but I find myself still struggling with my sense of self-worth, happiness, and identity... .  my question is:

What activities and reading materials have helped you cope with moving on from your exBPD loved one, and what advice do you wish you could've given yourself right after your break-up?

Wow You echo my thoughts completely. I have barely been a month away from my exBPD, but she is still firmly in my mind. I cannot help but think her comments on Fb are directed to me &  our relationship. As if she is trying to send me a message or continue to blame me for all her problems. I still feel the urge that i want to help her, text her, talk to her, but i know i will still get no answers. So what is my answer i hit the bottle to try drown out the thoughts & so i can get to sleep at night. I know alcohol is not the answer & i'm hoping it wont last. I was never perfect in the relationship, but i cannot help but think that her attitude affected my attitude... What i have been trying to do is work more, spend more time with my child (that she disowned my might add) of course that as my fault she did that, she was more needy that me spending time with my child, the more i think about that, the more i'm in dis-believe that i let that happen. i still cannot bare to delete her on Fb, but i know that needs to happen, i also think socializing with friends is very important & i have also started to study some subjects for hours on end, which is taking alot of concentration. I  hope you find some peace... .  

[sunrising]

Dogpirate, There are lots of people here who've been where you are and come out the other side. You're at the right place.

I have a question.  Both you and mango flower have commented that you need to process things and that makes NC difficult/ not best for you.   Are you under the impression that contact with your ex will make it easier for you to process what happened?  If so, please elaborate.  

[dogpirate]

@sunrising

For me, it's not so much in the sense that I require communication with her, but rather I still have a compulsive need to 'see' her and witness her progression and her life through facebook and her blog, even though I am not talking to her and I am not an active part of her life anymore. The uncertainty is what kills me, so I see what she talks about and what type of person she is becoming in an attempt to assimilate this new information and allow me to move on from the person she is becoming.

@standfree

I feel your pain, and I know how it is to hit the bottle in an attempt to make sleeping a possibility on those hard nights. I wish I had initiated NC when I had the chance much earlier, as my place as a pillar of stability and security in her life soon became involuntary for me when she started threatening me with self-harm if I left, and she used that to control me and manipulate the situation. If I would've had no communication with her, she would've had no power over me. Sadly I wasn't ready to move on, so my attempts at NC were stifled when I became weak and allowed myself to talk to her... .  

[Vegasskydiver]

What helped me with no contact (and I too am a prcessor and need closure) is that everytime I had an interaction with my exBPDbf it left me reeling in pain for days, whether it be looking at his facebook, a text from him, etc.  It serves no purpose but to make you hold on longer.  I blocked everything.  I never look at his FB anymore... .  I don't want to know if he is with someone else... .  I just want to work on myself and rebuild the person that I was before he came into my life three years ago.  Think about it... .  do you ever feel better by looking at her facebook?  If the answer is no, then that should be a strong motivating factor to you moving on.  Yes, it hurts like hell.  I have been reccycled more times than I care to admit, but no more.  I have made the choice to take my life back.  I am done being controlled, manipulated, raged at and all the other terrible things that occured when I was with my exBPDbf.  Keep reading all the posts, that helps to and know that everyone on here is going through similer thoughts and feelings.  It does help to know that you are not alone.

[sunrising]

For me, it's not so much in the sense that I require communication with her, but rather I still have a compulsive need to 'see' her and witness her progression and her life through facebook and her blog, even though I am not talking to her and I am not an active part of her life anymore. The uncertainty is what kills me, so I see what she talks about and what type of person she is becoming in an attempt to assimilate this new information and allow me to move on from the person she is becoming.

Seeing what she's doing is considered, by most, to be a violation of NC.  NC doesn't just mean you don't "contact" her, it also means you don't check up on her.   It's very hard to do, I know, but if you really want to detach its probably your best bet, at least for a while.  She's not *becoming* anything new. She's still what you saw.  She may be in a different phase and with a different object (person), but she's the same. Watching from afar will almost certainly slow down your recovery.    

[dogpirate]

I know, both of you are right... .  no contact is the best way. On her blog she has been posting a lot about self-harm and hating herself and wanting to die, even though she is with this new guy. She recently cut her hair really short when she wore it really long with me, and she generally doesn't look very healthy... .  she's been losing a lot of weight. It just irks me, and I worry about her even though I know it is just wasted effort on my part... .  

In my other undecided thread I explained that the guy had made a fake facebook profile using my picture and my full name to send himself incriminating messages which defamed my character and introduced mistrust into our relationship... .  there is no way for me to prove that this new guy is just bad news and is using her, and that is a big part of what is driving me crazy.

I know for a fact he is using her just for sex, as one of our mutual friends told me he said something to that effect... .  it has just been hard. Deep down I can't shake the feeling that I want to care for her and protect her in-case things go wrong with this new guy, and I know it's bad for me and I shouldn't... .  I really need to move on from that feeling.

[sunrising]

Dog pirate, I hope you don't think I was being overly adamant.  I've been where you are.  I'm still there in some ways.  I know I struggled to go/ stay NC and I know I offered myself (and people here) multiple reasons why it might not be the best bet.  But the REAL reason I didn't want to do it was because I knew it would hurt.  It would mean letting go and I wasn't sure I was ready for that, even though I knew it was best.  :)o what you KNOW is best for you. Be wise... .   It will hurt.   Change is painful, but pain is changeful.  You'll come out the other end better and stronger.  

[dogpirate]

Thank you for the wise and kind words sunrising, you are right. A lot of it is about letting go for me, and I still have this nagging feeling of "what if" in me, although it is getting quieter each day. I will just have to stay strong, keep my head held high, and get back to the person I used to be.

[grad]

In my other undecided thread I explained that the guy had made a fake facebook profile using my picture and my full name to send himself incriminating messages which defamed my character and introduced mistrust into our relationship... .  there is no way for me to prove that this new guy is just bad news and is using her, and that is a big part of what is driving me crazy.

I know for a fact he is using her just for sex, as one of our mutual friends told me he said something to that effect... .  it has just been hard. Deep down I can't shake the feeling that I want to care for her and protect her in-case things go wrong with this new guy, and I know it's bad for me and I shouldn't... .  I really need to move on from that feeling.

What you need to realize is that she doesn't want the realness of the intimacy and closeness she had with you.  She probably realizes its not more than sex and with what she's going through its just a way of escaping the pain she has from her past.  My BPDex was the same way, jumping into a realtionship she has indirectly hinted wouldn't work long term through a comment like this while she was triangulating (read definition) us in a r/s with me at the time:  "I had a dream I was at the wedding marrying a guy with 3 kids and his ex objected to the wedding" which shows she thought the r/a would eventually fail (for whatever reason).  Was he better than me? No, but he could alleviate her pain in other ways which for us just became triggers of abandonment due to her fear she was too broken and not good enough for me

[sunrising]

What you need to realize is that she doesn't want the realness of the intimacy and closeness she had with you. She probably realizes its not more than sex and with what she's going through its just a way of escaping the pain she has from her past.  My BPDex was the same way, jumping into a realtionship she has indirectly hinted wouldn't work long term through a comment like this while she was triangulating (read definition) us in a r/s with me at the time:  "I had a dream I was at the wedding marrying a guy with 3 kids and his ex objected to the wedding" which shows she thought the r/a would eventually fail (for whatever reason).  Was he better than me? No, but he could alleviate her pain in other ways which for us just became triggers of abandonment due to her fear she was too broken and not good enough for me

Hopefully this doesn't seem like semantics, but I don't think the part I've bolded is quite accurate.  A pwBPD very much *wants* true love and intimacy.  They've wanted it since childhood.   But they've developed a very ingrained behavioral pattern (defense mechanism) which makes true, adult intimacy IMPOSSIBLE.  If you get close, they MUST push you away.  It's very difficult for a non-BPD to understand and accept this but, for me, understanding that my ex is incapable of these things has made it easier to detach.  It's not about what she *wants*, it's about what she's capable of doing.  She can't be in the type of relationship I need and (mistakenly) thought I had with her.

[grad]

They want the fantasy not the reality.  Once it becomes too real their fears and past issues start surfacing.  We're saying the same thing but I'm looking at it from their perspective.  It's kinda like that toy I always wanted as a kid but when I had enough to buy it, we'll I always wanted something else instead bcuz after all, I've lived without it for so long why did I need it now?  Perfect analogy for you

[dogpirate]

grad, you hit the nail right on the head. In the beginning of our break-up, she hadn't devalued me yet and she told me "I'm just using him until I can make myself better for you" and lots of other things to that effect, like "you're better of without me" and "I'm a bad person" etc... .  When I refused to stay through her infidelity and I continued to pressure her to choose me or him, she no longer felt the reassurance and the validation I had given her before so she split me. After the split, she became very hateful and flipped her feelings for me 180 degrees and then told me this new guy was the love of her life and that she hated me and wanted me to leave, so that's where we are now and I haven't spoken to her since.

[dogpirate]

also what's sad is that she recycled me once before after being with another guy and I stayed through it all and things worked out very well, but then when she attempted to pull the same thing this time around I refused to be complacent so she dropped me like a sack of potatoes. It's just unreal looking back on what I put up with, she 'secretly' stayed in a relationship with me throughout her first 4 month affair.

[grad]

You were already devalued.  Not everything they say is true and perhaps some of the comments were to help you feel better about the situation.  Her mind was made up just as mine was, she knew my boundaries and cheating meant the absolute end so she just ended it for him because she was now emotionally attached to him and not me.  Look at the negative comments she made about herself and only that.  Yes, mine knew her issues and that if they persisted she wouldn't last with me(ultimate boundary protecting my daughter from her insanity) but that doesn't mean she'd return if her issues were resolved.  Mine was nice enough to be truthful with me because ultimately I commanded her full respect, she didn't give me any hope other than "be friends and see where it goes" however even the friends aspect turned out to be false.  I'm 6 weeks out of the insanity and now I'm the 3rd week of no contact.  Give her the space she wants, let her figure out her own issues, move on yourself, and if she decides to reinitiate contact play it by ear cautiously.  It's hard, I know, this was my first real love (not in love, only dated 1.5 mo).  

[grad]

They are immature and don't know what they want.  The abandonment fear is just one part of it, they're not happy with themselves and why a r/s is most likely going to fail until they resolve their issues.  Untreated they are hopeless long term

[dogpirate]

After having a bad dream about her last night, I decided to look through all of the old messages we've sent to each other over the years. It really helped me garner some sort of perspective on everything that happened and how we interacted, and it really helped me 'see' the reality of things without looking through rose-tinted glasses. I noticed that throughout the years, I really sacrificed a lot of my values and beliefs to appease to her, and I think that was the beginning of the end, like I was pretending to be someone else to keep her. And after her first affair nearly a year ago, my mannerisms became very withdrawn and sporadic, and I became easily upset at the things she did because I had harbored a lot of bad feelings from that situation. I began lecturing her on her behavior when things bothered me, rather than shrug them off or communicate in a validating manner... .  I think this was the start of our inevitable devaluation and destruction.

I let the little things she did bother me much more than they should have because I had grown very resentful and bitter over the constant attempts to guilt trip, the passive aggressiveness, and her devaluation toward me when she got upset over little things, like not seeing a movie at the showing she wanted to see it. In the beginning, I wasn't as emotionally attached to her so I let these things go in stride... .  but as soon as I really, really started to fall for her, I wore my heart on my sleeve when I was talking to her so I would generally overreact, just as she would.

The good was amazing, and the bad was awful. I never really saw the full extent of the bad until I was working 12 hours a day and didn't have as much time for her as I used to... .  that is when I really started to see her bad side, and she would guilt trip me so hard for it. There would be days where I would stay home "sick" so we could spend a day together outside of the weekend just to try and ease the tension.

In some ways, it's almost as if I mirrored her dysfunction as much as she was mirroring me. I let myself feel her depression and her disorder to empathize with her and be closer to her mentally, because I wanted to make her feel like I was right there with her and that we could go through it together. Since she felt something was 'wrong', I actualized it by feeling that way. There are a lot of stupid things I have done to/with her over the years:

I lied about my name and age initially and gave her an alias because I wanted to keep the internet separate from my personal life, and it went much further than it should have because I was afraid to own up to my lie after we got closer. I did tell her eventually, though... .  

There was a situation where one of her friends added me on Skype as a stranger and offered to send me intimate pictures (to which I regretfully replied "sure, why not?" not taking the situation seriously) and then she told my ex that -I- was the one who asked her for pictures, basically honeypotting me and framing me. I later found out she was jealous and wanted to be in a relationship with me at the time... .  

I stayed with her throughout her entire affair a year ago... .  she was with him for 4 months, yet we stayed together and still acted as a couple secretly.

I missed work and quit my job to get closer to her and try and 'fix' our relationship... .  I couldn't deal with work related stress and deal with the relationship I had with her at the same time.

It was very taxing and I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells. I had to make sure I said exactly the right things to her, talk to her in exactly the right way, talk to her at exactly the right times, or else she wouldn't be happy with me.

[dogpirate]

Well, it's been almost a month since any bad days for me until now... .   in a lapse of judgement on my part, I saw her new facebook profile picture which is a picture of her and her new bf in this very specific part of a garden I took her to... .   the place we said we were going to get married. It felt like a kick in the chest, as I had always really considered that place to be one of my special places and I introduced her to it.

Regretfully I started looking at more and more of her posts... .   she is still talking about me, posting about how I was emotionally abusive and that I threatened suicide to keep her in the relationship and that I was toxic to her... .   and that is the reason why -she- left -me-. It isn't true at all, and it got me looking through the history of our conversations... .   And I never said anything like that. -She- was the one who threatened me with suicide to keep in the relationship when I initially said I was leaving her... .   almost a week after she had started dating her new guy! When she felt like I was leaving, she cut herself and her parents got involved and it led to her being taken to urgent care... .  

Even almost a month after the fact, I was begging -her- to leave -me- because I couldn't take it anymore. To endure the relationship as she falls in love with someone else openly while I exist on the side like a ghost was too much for me to handle and it was killing me. She views my trip to the ward as an attempt to manipulate her and guilt-trip her into thinking I was depressed and struggling and that if she left I would surely kill myself... .   which isn't true at all. I was struggling, but I never used it against her to change the circumstances of our situation... .   I just don't understand why she says I was emotionally abusive and threatened suicide, and she told all of our mutual friends and her family this.

Now I look like this awful person, and I don't know what to do... .   Part of me just wants to forget it and move on, but another part of me really wants to set things straight and post the truth... .   It isn't fair that she's painted me in this light, but I don't know if it would be going too far to set things straight and post the logs of our conversations where she threatened suicide and used it against me to stay. I just don't know anymore.

[mtmc01]

Well, it's been almost a month since any bad days for me until now... .   in a lapse of judgement on my part, I saw her new facebook profile picture which is a picture of her and her new bf in this very specific part of a garden I took her to... .   the place we said we were going to get married. It felt like a kick in the chest, as I had always really considered that place to be one of my special places and I introduced her to it.

Regretfully I started looking at more and more of her posts... .   she is still talking about me, posting about how I was emotionally abusive and that I threatened suicide to keep her in the relationship and that I was toxic to her... .   and that is the reason why -she- left -me-. It isn't true at all, and it got me looking through the history of our conversations... .   And I never said anything like that. -She- was the one who threatened me with suicide to keep in the relationship when I initially said I was leaving her... .   almost a week after she had started dating her new guy! When she felt like I was leaving, she cut herself and her parents got involved and it led to her being taken to urgent care... .  

Even almost a month after the fact, I was begging -her- to leave -me- because I couldn't take it anymore. To endure the relationship as she falls in love with someone else openly while I exist on the side like a ghost was too much for me to handle and it was killing me. She views my trip to the ward as an attempt to manipulate her and guilt-trip her into thinking I was depressed and struggling and that if she left I would surely kill myself... .   which isn't true at all. I was struggling, but I never used it against her to change the circumstances of our situation... .   I just don't understand why she says I was emotionally abusive and threatened suicide, and she told all of our mutual friends and her family this.

Now I look like this awful person, and I don't know what to do... .   Part of me just wants to forget it and move on, but another part of me really wants to set things straight and post the truth... .   It isn't fair that she's painted me in this light, but I don't know if it would be going too far to set things straight and post the logs of our conversations where she threatened suicide and used it against me to stay. I just don't know anymore.

I feel for you. The smear campaign seems to be a common theme. Mine clearly turned all of her family and friends against me when she decided to leave to the point where her father, who liked me, wouldn't even respond to a text about giving him the rest of her things. Mine hasn't been as evil on Facebook, but she did announce she was "leaving the terrible past behind and looking forward to the future", and along with 100 other bible verses posted something about living in fear and how fear is the opposite of love, obviously directed toward me. She also felt the need to announce that she felt "so stupid for not deleting 'certain pictures' yet hahaha". Mine also moved on immediately with another guy who also is super Christian like she suddenly is and is obviously mirroring him by suddenly "liking" comic books, his favorite baseball team, acting like a "hipster", etc. It's truly sick. I wouldn't post anything about her. We shouldn't stoop to their level. These are extremely immature and underdeveloped people we are dealing with here.

[HarmKrakow]

Well, it's been almost a month since any bad days for me until now... .   in a lapse of judgement on my part, I saw her new facebook profile picture which is a picture of her and her new bf in this very specific part of a garden I took her to... .   the place we said we were going to get married. It felt like a kick in the chest, as I had always really considered that place to be one of my special places and I introduced her to it.

Regretfully I started looking at more and more of her posts... .   she is still talking about me, posting about how I was emotionally abusive and that I threatened suicide to keep her in the relationship and that I was toxic to her... .   and that is the reason why -she- left -me-. It isn't true at all, and it got me looking through the history of our conversations... .   And I never said anything like that. -She- was the one who threatened me with suicide to keep in the relationship when I initially said I was leaving her... .   almost a week after she had started dating her new guy! When she felt like I was leaving, she cut herself and her parents got involved and it led to her being taken to urgent care... .  

Even almost a month after the fact, I was begging -her- to leave -me- because I couldn't take it anymore. To endure the relationship as she falls in love with someone else openly while I exist on the side like a ghost was too much for me to handle and it was killing me. She views my trip to the ward as an attempt to manipulate her and guilt-trip her into thinking I was depressed and struggling and that if she left I would surely kill myself... .   which isn't true at all. I was struggling, but I never used it against her to change the circumstances of our situation... .   I just don't understand why she says I was emotionally abusive and threatened suicide, and she told all of our mutual friends and her family this.

Now I look like this awful person, and I don't know what to do... .   Part of me just wants to forget it and move on, but another part of me really wants to set things straight and post the truth... .   It isn't fair that she's painted me in this light, but I don't know if it would be going too far to set things straight and post the logs of our conversations where she threatened suicide and used it against me to stay. I just don't know anymore.

I feel for you. The smear campaign seems to be a common theme. Mine clearly turned all of her family and friends against me when she decided to leave to the point where her father, who liked me, wouldn't even respond to a text about giving him the rest of her things. Mine hasn't been as evil on Facebook, but she did announce she was "leaving the terrible past behind and looking forward to the future", and along with 100 other bible verses posted something about living in fear and how fear is the opposite of love, obviously directed toward me. She also felt the need to announce that she felt "so stupid for not deleting 'certain pictures' yet hahaha". Mine also moved on immediately with another guy who also is super Christian like she suddenly is and is obviously mirroring him by suddenly "liking" comic books, his favorite baseball team, acting like a "hipster", etc. It's truly sick. I wouldn't post anything about her. We shouldn't stoop to their level. These are extremely immature and underdeveloped people we are dealing with here.

Ive heard the same BS about looking forward to the future. And yeah, smear campaign all over. My goodness. Mirroring, that she is fantastic in. She is like a chameleon. You wonder what you've shared in bed with you, wolf in sheep's clothing.

And we all let it happen, and we all were living that bubble, and then it burts. It's like we are a baby and our candy gets stolen and we cry endlessly.

The funny thing is, the 'now what' is the most bothering question to me as right now. I've never felt that 'whole' in the r/s i had with her, although my shrink tells me, it wasn't. So, if I already felt whole, and this was just some sick joke from her, what else is there to achieve? Coming from someone who is just 25... .

[dogpirate]

It's just sick... .   it really is sick. I outlined my entire struggle in another thread on this board, how she cut herself when I said I was leaving, how she said she didn't want to live anymore if I wasn't in her life, how even after she had been dating her other guy for almost a month she still said she wanted me and was using him... .   It's just awful. I subjected myself to that to make sure she wouldn't hurt herself, and then in the end I'm painted black like I was bad... .  

[dogpirate]

Recently she's removed all reference of me on all of her websites. All of our collaborated art and posts, anything referencing me, things we did together, my name... .   it's all gone. Everything archived up until we even started talking 3 years ago, just gone. I don't know why, but it really hurts to see it. I started looking at her things again in a moment of weakness and something about that just really irked me. How I'm like this awful black mark in her life that she is trying to forget... .   I'm just really struggling to comprehend that it somehow isn't warranted, and that how could someone I dedicated so much effort to could suddenly paint me like some kind of monster... .  

[Surrender]

It is incredibly eerie reading the similar accounts, feelings and rationalizations that many of us are going through as a result of finding ourselves lost and damaged after our experiences with a BPD Lover. I find my own thoughts being echoed throughout the many of us that are here searching for relief and a day when we can find some measure of happiness. For me I have come to the realization that trying to rationalize the 'irrational' is pointless. I'm not sure how much truth there was to my ex uBPD but I am learning that it is possible that most of it was a lie. I have to accept that and move on for my own sake.

What is really helping me a great deal is this site, the information therein and all of our shared experiences. Somehow what I don't see myself, I am able to see through others insight.

I am still waking up throughout the night after convoluted abstract dreams/nightmares that somehow trigger losing him and all the pain associated with loving him. It is almost like my unconscious is screaming and trying to figure it all out even though I'm asleep.

Anyway I want to thank everyone here. I have a long way to go but this site and the people here are helping me more than anything else in my life.

[sad but wiser]

Hi Dogpirate.  Posting here has helped me gain a lot of perspective along the way.  I also wrote down my feelings.  Just getting it onto paper helped me deal with it.  I am still healing, but it is getting better all the time.