He's admitted having problems - Should I mention BPD?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all,

It is interesting that we are told here not to label our significant others, and tell them they are ill. But what about if they spent the first two years turning your world upside down, and admitting they were ill, and even getting their parents to tell you as well, but then later, after they move out, denying it was ever said, and denying they have a problem? and least of all addressing that problem?

Pardon me for saying so, but if a diabetic is a diabetic, do we go around to visit them and act like they aren't a diabetic, serving them up a huge plate full of sugary cookies and insisting they eat them?

If someone in my life has cancer, am I to offer them a cigarette and pretend they don't have it? Or am I to acknowledge they have this, and offer as much support as I can, without it breaking me as well?

I mean if I nursed them for two weeks, and listened to them complain about how ill they were feeling because of the cancer and it's effect on everyone around them as well, am I supposed to stand there and pretend they don't have it? Wouldn't it be better to admit it, and do as much as you can to make them comfortable in spite of it?

I mean if someone I know has no legs, I am not going to pretend they do, and I am not going to insist they join me in a marathon either, unless they want to.

So, if your significant other is ill, and has admitted it, then they need to be doing everything they can to help themselves, not blaming the bloody world or me instead.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maryy16]

In my case, when my BPDh began admitting that he had problems and needed help, I started research and came upon BPD.  I had no problem telling him that I believed this is what he had.  He looked at the criteria and he too admitted that this sounded correct.

Now, it's not like everything changed overnight.  It has been years of struggle with him dealing with knowing he had BPD.  He tried really hard.   But like he says " When I'm not mad, everything makes perfect sense and I understand how wrong I am.  But when I get mad, none of that makes any difference.  I'm just too mad".

Nowadays, I call him out every time he starts an "episode".  I say things like "You're starting to get a little off.  Please watch yourself".  Or if he does start in with the blaming, raging, etc, I will point it out and say, "That's BPD behavior.  Please stop".  (maybe not always that nicely, but you get the point!) Then tell him of posts I have read here on this board that related to what he is doing and how his behavior is so typical of people suffering with BPD.

I totally agree that we cannot ignore it and act like nothing is wrong, because something is seriously wrong and their actions affect everyone around them, whether it be home, work, or friends. 

I was tired of being a doormat and I now live by the motto that I learned here... .   "Nothing changes unless something changes".  And the change was me and how I dealt with him. 

[momtara]

"When I'm not mad, everything makes perfect sense and I understand how wrong I am.  But when I get mad, none of that makes any difference.  I'm just too mad".

Mary, sounds like my husband.  He has admitted he is wrong, getting treatment, and yet, when he starts to have a 3-day episode, he can't stop it until the 3 days are up.  It all starts with him getting angry/mad/triggered over some little thing.

I have kids, so it's harder to accept him back into my life.  I wish I could know if the therapy will really work someday.  We're divorcing and there are times I wonder if I should give him another chance.  But the stakes are too high.

[maryy16]

Momtara,

I been with my H for 30 years, but it was maybe about 1-2 years ago that I decided that I had to make a change.  Since I have changed my way of dealing with him, he seems to be getting better.  He will never be cured, I have to just accept that, but now the episodes are less often and less severe, for the most part.  I can actually see him pulling himself back sometimes.

Good luck to you... .   it's is so hard to know what to do. 

[Cloudy Days]

My husband didn't start to look at himself until he was diagnosed with BPD. He knew something was wrong but didn't look into it more than blaming me. We got to the point where he was Manic (he's bipolar too) and had to be hospitalized. Heck even after being diagnosed with both disorders he didn't get help until he basically hit rock bottom. He started DBT therapy and it's helped so much. A year later now, he is actually looking at himself and why he does the things that he does. It makes him calm down quicker but doesn't stop the blow up from happening. Yesterday my husband had a heart to heart with me and he told me about how his father was and how he hated his father. He actually came up with an exact senerio that he does with me. He says I am a heel walker, he said his father used to yell at his brother for walking too loudly. So my husband made note to not make noise when he walked. He was almost heartbroken because he said that he knows he's done that to me. The walking on eggshells mentallity. It was a very big break through. He even came up with an idea of when he is in a bad mood, he's going to put up a sign that says don't bother him. So we can just avoid fights without him telling me anything. That works for me! It's taken 8 years to get this far, but only one year of the right therapy  He even told me he's gonna have to be in therapy for the rest of his life and he was ok with that!

One of the ways I got my husband to agree to therapy was reading off symptoms. I don't know how you would bring the subject up though. Once he said yes to all nine of them, I said I think you have this disorder. He couldn't disagree because he had just said yes to all nine symptoms.

[maryy16]

cloudy days:  My H too had all 9 symptoms and, like you said, he couldn't deny it after that.  That was the turning point for him.  He refuses therapy though... .   will not even consider it.  He says he knows it will just make him mad and that he'll end up quitting because he'll hate the therapist. 

But at least he is now aware that he is the one with the problem and that the rest of the world is not out to get him.

[jj2121]

My ex said to me she was not right and needed help. Then when her mood changed again and I said I want to help you, she said "Just leave it,I don't need help, I like to do everything on my own, always have done" . Then when I thought I was getting somewhere with her opening up to me, she was lying and manipulating me.

[VeryFree]

I mentioned BPD years ago. She reacted by diagnosing me as NPD. Never could talk about BPD.

[bruceli]

My SO took it pretty well.  Was a little miffed for a day.  But admits to going to therapy for most of her life so my suspicion is that this not the first time it has been brought up by someone.

[defusion5]

Hi rollercoaster,

when my uBPD partner was open and receptive to her behaviour, I read a few things out from the walking on eggshells book. She totally identified with a LOT of it.  She said, looks like I've got this.  She is highly functional, except when it comes to emotions.  Anyway, a few weeks later, she denied this conversation and infact, part of her next rage (frustrated outburst which consisted of screaming and hitting the tub) she kept telling me, ''I cant believe you convinced me that I had BPD''.  So, my point is be very careful.  It seems their clarity can be very clear and then BAM, it disappears... .

All the best and take care of you... .

cheers

scythian5