Anxious

[mango_flower]

Tomorrow my ex will be coming down to my town to see an old friend (one I've not met, and one of the very few she has kept, mainly as she's never spent much time with her in real life!)

I feel a bit sick.

She will be bringing her new gf with her to meet her friend and they will be going out on the town.  I'll be out with my friends from my sports team (we all used to train together).  Many of them don't like what she has done, and although they'd never be rude to her (as they're a nice bunch) I feel anxious that our paths will cross.

Also she will be dropping some of my stuff off that she has found and I will be leaving her some stuff out too.  In the shed.  She has told me what time she will be here, and I am going to ensure I am out of my house long before.  I am not ready to see her yet.  And if she brings her gf to my house, that will absolutely break me.

I am scared she'll arrive earlier than said... .   I will try and leave my house early. And even when she's got her stuff, I'm still going to be anxious all weekend in case she decides to pop back round.

She isn't violent, she wouldn't cause a scene... .   if anything, it'd be a) flaunting her new gf under my nose, or b) if she were to be on her own (which I doubt), it would just be heart wrenching for me to see her and not want to sweep her up in my arms and cuddle her to death... .  

I'm just not strong enough yet.  I've kept low contact over email/facebook/text but have avoided every phone call as I don't even feel strong enough to hear her voice.

Please God, don't let our paths cross this weekend.  It may break me.

So anxious just knowing she'll be in the area.  Can't sleep. 

[HarmKrakow]

My dear Mango flower, do yo realize, you make your life, even after she is going to get engaged, still about her?

Why would you do so? Why stay attached and think about her as she only hurts you.

[causticdork]

I know that feeling you're experiencing so so well.  Funny thing is, when I went through it was with a non BPD ex.  It was just that I was still so madly in love with her and she had gotten back together with her ex and every time I saw someone who looked even a tiny bit like her my heart would jump up into my throat and I would start shaking.  That went on for over a year and I thought I would never get better.  Every time it felt like I was healing I would have some random set-back where I would just wake up one day after months of being fine and suddenly miss her so much that I couldn't even get myself out of bed. 

It was horrible, but I got better.  It took for bloody ever, but eventually it stopped hurting and it turned into the best thing that ever happened to me.  Before this girl I think I had some mild codependency issues.  I was just so terrified of getting my heart broken that I would either keep people at a distance, or let them in and then cling to them because I was so scared of losing them.  I got my heart broken so hard I thought the pain might actually kill me, but it didn't.  Healing from that pain taught me that my heart is way more resilient than I'd been giving it credit for. 

That relationship ended four years ago, and the two I've had since then have been a thousand times healthier than any that came before.  Sure, I wound up dating a BPDer, but when the relationship got toxic I ended it.  It hurts and I still love her, but I refuse to be with someone who demands that I walk on eggshells and who lies to me non-stop.  I wouldn't have had the strength to do that five years ago.  I would have stayed and swept my worries under the rug and constantly stressed about not saying the wrong thing. 

I know how awful you feel right now.  I know you'd give anything to not be feeling it.  Take it from someone who has been through it and come out the other side though:  It's good for you.  Don't let yourself get bitter, but let yourself feel sad and lonely and anxious and whatever else you need to feel.  Feel it and learn from it and find what makes you happy.  You're an articulate and intelligent woman and you are going to be okay.  I promise.

[clairedair]

HI Mango-flower

how did it go today?  Hope you didn't see her and are now feeling calmer.

It's like having Post-traumatic stress - those panicky feelings when there's contact/possible contact.

[mango_flower]

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys

Well she's still in my area - a friend of mine bumped into her and her new gf in town, said it was awkward.  This wasn't a close friend of either of ours though, but is somebody who knew us both on a fairly superficial level.

She has picked up her stuff from my place (I was out all day and left it in the shed) and she has left the stuff she said she would.  She sent me a facebook message afterwards saying "Got my stuff, thank you". 

So yes, superficially pleasant and fine.

I know she's out tonight with her new gf at the gay bar we used to go to... .   it all just feels so wrong.  I hope she at least got confronted with some memories today/tonight, yes, that's bitter of me I know, but she's just walked away to a new town and is completely avoidant - I've had to face everything, everyone and everywhere on a daily basis - exactly like Claire says, it's like PTSD!

Thanks for listening anyway guys, it's so nice to know I can just ramble on here

P.S I am hoping she doesn't decide randomly to just turn up to see me.  I don't think she would with her new gf here. But depends on her mood - anything is possible with her... .   but I don't think so.