One Year Later

[Oneneatguy]

It's been a few months since I posted or have been on this board.  I know how many of you are suffering through a breakup with a loved one suffering from BPD.

It's been a year since my ex BPD asked for a divorce.  The longest year of my life in many ways and wanted to share some of my experiences with you.

The biggest turning point was when I stopped focusing on my ex's behaviour and started looking at myself.  It's not a matter of placing blame but understanding why I was attracted to her why I NEEDED to be with her.  I think it is important to distinguish between wanting to be with someone and needing to be with them.  When you read many of the posts on here they are horror stories about how the non BPD was treated and how unhealthy the relationship is.  Intellectually we understand that we need to move on, emotionally we can't let go.  After reading many of these posts I came to the realization that I needed to focus on myself not on my ex.  Why was I attracted to her.  What went wrong.   As far as the marriage breakdown goes, I have to take personal responsibility.  The relationship was flawed from the beginning.  I had many warning signs which I chose to ignore.  I accept responsibility for that.  Yes my ex exhibited many BPD traits and her behaviour was unacceptable, yet I accepted it.

One of the critical lessons I learned on this site was no contact.  The first 3 months afterwards there was contact initiated by her when she needed something.  I held out hope that we would get back together.   After being on this site, I realized this was unhealthy behaviour.  I read so many posts of fellow members latching onto crumbs that the BPD throws their way.  Let go.

I found the courage to tell my ex that I believed she was suffering from BPD and that I wanted no further contact with her.  She said she wanted to be friends, I told her I didn't want to be friends with her.  It was very hard to say that.  Today I can say it was the best choice.

Take time to self reflect.  I know that there is a certain type of woman I am attracted to.  I have a rescuer personality.  I don't know if I can change, however I am much more aware of my behaviour and will be much more careful in future relationships.

This past year, I have not dated.  I vowed that I would wait one full year before moving on from my marriage.  This may not be for everyone but it gave me time to focus on myself and getting myself back together emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Lastly,  I was fortunate enough to meet an individual on here who shared their life story with me.  The member grew up with a parent suffering from BPD.  It made me realize that as hellish as what I went through felt I was in fact very fortunate to get out.

One year later, I still have mixed emotions.  I do miss her, however I have come to understand and accept that our relationship was very unhealthy for both of us.  I wish her the best and I have stopped looking in the rear view mirror and focus on the open road ahead.

[heartandwhole]

Sounds like you have learned some really valuable lessons Oneneatguy.  A very inspiring post, thank you for sharing, and great work!   

[fakename]

Great post

[Surnia]

  Oneneatguy

Its really great you found your way out of your unhealthy rs. And thank you very much for sharing it! 

The biggest turning point was when I stopped focusing on my ex's behaviour and started looking at myself.