After 3 months NC, still pining for exwBPD...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I've posted. It's been 3 months since I've established NC with my exwBPD after a turbulent on/off 4 year relationship full of both devastation and grand gestures. She unblocked me on facebook about a month ago, and I reblocked her and unfriended her friends. She wrote me and asked me if any mail came, and I took her mail and left it on her mother's porch. That was about 3 weeks ago.

Now I am just working hard and trying to get a single life together while being an entrepreneur, and it is very difficult as my single girlfriends are all married, and my buddies are whipped by their girlfriends, or too jaded to go out anymore (live in orange county, and it stopped being fun about 6 years ago).

Going out alone as a single dude in orange county sucks royally... .   Its very clicky, and I always end up meeting some skeezy people and just "settle" because it's convenient. I'm not really in to meet ups and social networking in such an artificial manner... .   but i suppose it is a means to an end.

Just turned 30. I find myself unable to stop pining over my exwBPD. I ended things and kicked her out, but I just can't stop thinking about her and thinking it is meant to be... .   I read over some old emails, and it did seem like there was something very real and unique between us. I met her when she was 23 and now she is almost 27. Im wondering if her illness has gotten worse due to her age... .   in any case, I guess I need to just accept the fact that it doesn't matter and that it is a lost cause.

It's very upsetting to me, because it just feels unfinished... .   but I guess that's how it always is. I really miss my friend the woman underneath the mask so to speak... .   but i don't know if I could really separate between the illness and the person in the end there. It was frightening to have someone that you have been so tender with, be violently raging on you for no logical reason.

Im struggling to understand whether it truly was the alcohol relapse, or her mental ilness... .   or a combination of both that led her to be so accusatory and threatening with me. She threatened to lie... .   to get me in trouble. Made no sense... .   I thought this person and I were close... .  

Well, I'm sad because it felt like there was a good person underneath, a person who had limited control over executive function. And i truly loved this person, and it is just a shame. i almost feel like Im a widower or something, like this wasnt a breakup but a death of sorts... .   Like the pure person inside of her is being suffocated to death by her illness, and she is powerless to stop it.

It was a truly awful sight. I really am sad and alone. Everyone feels foreign to me, and things have fallen apart with my narcissitic family members, to the point where it really is the pits.

I had such a good and optimistic spirit, and I really feel like things are going downhill in all aspects of my life. Business, social, family, even hobbies... .   I really enjoyed being around my exwBPD... .   it seems like it improved my life a lot... .   like it was a great chemistry and friendship. 3 months ago i lost sight of that after a month of bizarre, violent, and psychotic behavior from my exwBPD following the death of her father and an alcohol relapse.

I literally thought I was losing my mind. Well I still feel a bit dazed and confused from the whole episode, but I am feeling better. Although, reality is kind of disappointing... . but I guess there is a lot of time to pick myself up and dust myself off. I have been working very hard throughout all this on a startup company, and it has not paid off... .  

I really miss whatever support I derived from having my exwBPD in my life... .   eventhough it wasn't really enough. Well, now I have very minimal moral support... .   so it just blows, because at times she really gave some good advice and seemed to care.

She used to share dreams about our future and talk about how that was a good sign... .   etc... .   etc. I really love this person and I had to force myself to completely erase her from my life... .   because she brought so much anxiety and drama in to my life in the end. It would always come out of nowhere... .   and then WHAM! I'm like "~, I cant beleive I forgot how crazy she was again!"

Well... .   sorry if this post is all over the place. I am still detaching and feel freedom... .   but being a boostrapping entrepreneur and depriving myself in other areas of my life, and things not going so well just compounds how hard it is not to want to talk to her.

I am like 100% positive if I called her, she would come rushing over and give me a huge hug and start crying. Actually, who am I kidding... .   but that's the scary part. is that there is something real between us, and I know she will never stop keeping tabs on me, and I have a hard time believing i won't always stop and think about her more frequently that I should and that just bothers me... .  

Well, thats all... .   thanks for reading... .   I was feeling a moment of weakness , and rather than contemplate doing something stupid I came here for some support.

Hope everyone is doing okay:)

Stoic

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I've posted. It's been 3 months since I've established NC with my exwBPD after a turbulent on/off 4 year relationship full of both devastation and grand gestures. She unblocked me on facebook about a month ago, and I reblocked her and unfriended her friends. She wrote me and asked me if any mail came, and I took her mail and left it on her mother's porch. That was about 3 weeks ago.

Now I am just working hard and trying to get a single life together while being an entrepreneur, and it is very difficult as my single girlfriends are all married, and my buddies are whipped by their girlfriends, or too jaded to go out anymore (live in orange county, and it stopped being fun about 6 years ago).

Going out alone as a single dude in orange county sucks royally... .   Its very clicky, and I always end up meeting some skeezy people and just "settle" because it's convenient. I'm not really in to meet ups and social networking in such an artificial manner... .   but i suppose it is a means to an end.

Just turned 30. I find myself unable to stop pining over my exwBPD. I ended things and kicked her out, but I just can't stop thinking about her and thinking it is meant to be... .   I read over some old emails, and it did seem like there was something very real and unique between us. I met her when she was 23 and now she is almost 27. Im wondering if her illness has gotten worse due to her age... .   in any case, I guess I need to just accept the fact that it doesn't matter and that it is a lost cause.

It's very upsetting to me, because it just feels unfinished... .   but I guess that's how it always is. I really miss my friend the woman underneath the mask so to speak... .   but i don't know if I could really separate between the illness and the person in the end there. It was frightening to have someone that you have been so tender with, be violently raging on you for no logical reason.

Im struggling to understand whether it truly was the alcohol relapse, or her mental ilness... .   or a combination of both that led her to be so accusatory and threatening with me. She threatened to lie... .   to get me in trouble. Made no sense... .   I thought this person and I were close... .  

Well, I'm sad because it felt like there was a good person underneath, a person who had limited control over executive function. And i truly loved this person, and it is just a shame. i almost feel like Im a widower or something, like this wasnt a breakup but a death of sorts... .   Like the pure person inside of her is being suffocated to death by her illness, and she is powerless to stop it.

It was a truly awful sight. I really am sad and alone. Everyone feels foreign to me, and things have fallen apart with my narcissitic family members, to the point where it really is the pits.

I had such a good and optimistic spirit, and I really feel like things are going downhill in all aspects of my life. Business, social, family, even hobbies... .   I really enjoyed being around my exwBPD... .   it seems like it improved my life a lot... .   like it was a great chemistry and friendship. 3 months ago i lost sight of that after a month of bizarre, violent, and psychotic behavior from my exwBPD following the death of her father and an alcohol relapse.

I literally thought I was losing my mind. Well I still feel a bit dazed and confused from the whole episode, but I am feeling better. Although, reality is kind of disappointing... . but I guess there is a lot of time to pick myself up and dust myself off. I have been working very hard throughout all this on a startup company, and it has not paid off... .  

I really miss whatever support I derived from having my exwBPD in my life... .   eventhough it wasn't really enough. Well, now I have very minimal moral support... .   so it just blows, because at times she really gave some good advice and seemed to care.

She used to share dreams about our future and talk about how that was a good sign... .   etc... .   etc. I really love this person and I had to force myself to completely erase her from my life... .   because she brought so much anxiety and drama in to my life in the end. It would always come out of nowhere... .   and then WHAM! I'm like "~, I cant beleive I forgot how crazy she was again!"

Well... .   sorry if this post is all over the place. I am still detaching and feel freedom... .   but being a boostrapping entrepreneur and depriving myself in other areas of my life, and things not going so well just compounds how hard it is not to want to talk to her.

I am like 100% positive if I called her, she would come rushing over and give me a huge hug and start crying. Actually, who am I kidding... .   but that's the scary part. is that there is something real between us, and I know she will never stop keeping tabs on me, and I have a hard time believing i won't always stop and think about her more frequently that I should and that just bothers me... .  

Well, thats all... .   thanks for reading... .   I was feeling a moment of weakness , and rather than contemplate doing something stupid I came here for some support.

Hope everyone is doing okay:)

Stoic

[Hurt llama]

Well, not sure if it helps but I think you are doing better than you give yourself credit for... .   I know I was never able to master NC with any of my gf's or ex wife and mostly with exBPD fiancee.

Closure is really hard with a BPD... . but i know it is possible for some... . I am in the middle of starting back up with mine... .   and dont wanna hog your thread about it but the grande plan is of course trying to see if we can make it but more importantly is to use the tools that I am quickly learning... . not just to help communicate with her in ways that have a higher chance for success but in the event it does not work out... .   odds just can't be that high... .   50-50 might be ridiculously optimistic but I just dont know... .   But the point is that my thesis is this.

In the event of another break up... . my goal will be to finally be able to have some peace of mind and be better prepared for the next relationship.

My story is long and I am probably twice as old as you and have worked an embarrassing amount of time on dealing with all of the ups and downs and the seeming insanity that I stepped in and became  a part of.

You CAN get closure I believe but it requires a different perspective and just a certain amount of pain I guess that is different for each of us.

I'll add, that I am aware of all my posts I make in reference to starting up again with my ex... .   and boy am I aware of the potential to fall hard and to eat every single word I say... .

But this is the life I have chosen.

Good luck and you are doing better than you think.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I think Llama hit it right on the head. It's the life you choose. I'm still pining away for me current ex pwBPD at nearly the 3 week mark since she initiated NC when I busted her to her new guy, but I'm choosing this. I want to give her another chance. For me right now closure is just not possible. I know I'm the exception to her cycle of deadbeat white trash guys, so I cling to hope she will reconnect.

[struggli]

stoic,

It's been 8 months for me.  2 months NC.  I stopped initiating any contact about 2 months after BU.  It's weird.  It all feels left hanging.  I reached a certain point of life being manageable again and now I am in some purgatory-type thing.  I still have this ache for her in me all the time, but it's like it's just become part of life.  8 months later I still wonder about a lot of things, still remember a lot of nice things, still wonder if I misinterpreted her behavior, etc.

So many questions, so much confusion.  I've been trying to sort through it, or maybe just been focusing more on other things.  I think this just happens eventually.  The thoughts of the ex just get pushed to the periphery of your mind.  I don't think I miss her less.  It's just the acute agony has shifted more toward melancholy. 

[stoic83]

stoic,

It's been 8 months for me.  2 months NC.  I stopped initiating any contact about 2 months after BU.  It's weird.  It all feels left hanging.  I reached a certain point of life being manageable again and now I am in some purgatory-type thing.  I still have this ache for her in me all the time, but it's like it's just become part of life.  8 months later I still wonder about a lot of things, still remember a lot of nice things, still wonder if I misinterpreted her behavior, etc.

So many questions, so much confusion.  I've been trying to sort through it, or maybe just been focusing more on other things.  I think this just happens eventually.  The thoughts of the ex just get pushed to the periphery of your mind.  I don't think I miss her less.  It's just the acute agony has shifted more toward melancholy. 

Nice well I have that to look forward to... .   I will note that Im in therapy twice a week, and its pretty obvious that my therapist doesnt want me talking to her. So its nice to have that knowledge that if my mind is trying to trick me in to responding to any of her communications, that she will remind me of things I have told her... .   about her treating me terribly, and not having control over executive functions, and not being capable of adult love... .   etc... .   Why not find someone else. It is entirely possible to meet somebody else who doesnt have BPD that I will feel as strong if not more strongly for that is capable of loving me in a stable and consistent way so I guess I will just try to spend my time dwelling on the posibilities, and not so much the past... .  

[healingmyheart]

stoic83,

I'm right where you are... .   heading into 3 month NC with some LC and a couple of recycle attempts mixed in.  It's a living nightmare sometimes.  It's the craziest thing to realize that this man was verbally abusive towards me yet I still crave and want him in my life.  I realize a lot of it is because I'm in limbo and haven't moved forward with my life.  I don't have a life without him right now for he was my life and he did make me very happy.  I'd say 90% of the time was good and the good times were amazing.  It was the stupid 10% of insanity that killed us.  He raged and criticized, manipulated me, controlled me and used me financially.  I have to keep reminding me of those huge details because any sane person would not want to go back to that.  I know it would never, ever work if I accepted him back.  He says he wants to change but the reality is, he can't.  There are no specialists in our area for BPD and quite frankly, with his denial he would never accept his diagnosis and move forward with treatment in the long run.  

I understand your feelings that the breakup of the relationship was like a death.  In fact, I sent an email to my ex stating the very same thing.  It's a death of a dream that I never thought I'd loose in the beginning.  When I started to see the red flags, I remained in denial for I couldn't let go of that dream.  At the end with the hate stage, I had no choice but to let go but it was the most painful thing to do.

I think I'm starting to make some progress though.  In the beginning, I was thinking I could help him to get better... .   I'm over that.  I still vacillate in my thinking in that maybe, just maybe we could still work things out.  The reality is that I would have to compromise myself for the relationship to work.  I'd have to accept that there would be other women behind the scenes to feed his needs... .   I can't do that.  I would have to allow him to control me... .   I won't do that anymore.  I would have to allow him to rage at me when he reaches his breaking point... .   nope, not gonna' happen.  To take him back, I must accept the bad with the good and I am realizing that I need to be whole again and can't go back to the submissive role I was playing.  I realize that I was being very codependent on his man.  I have to work to do on myself and that's the bottom line.  I want to be healthy.  This addiction has to stop.  Maybe down the road in a year or two when I still reminisce about the good times, I will be ok with it.  There was a lot of good that came from the relationship.  I've learned so much about myself and hopefully that will propel me into a healthier relationship next time.

Like you, I'm stuck though right now.  My counselor is trying to help me move forward and not get sucked back into the recycling.  Recently, he came to my house with gifts and a huge smile.  I hadn't seen him for a few months... .   I'd forgotten how handsome he really was.  I was just examining his face thinking how could I let this man go?  He appears so normal on the surface.  I start to question myself and think maybe I've been overreacting all along.  Maybe it is ok that he goes behind my back and has an emotional affair with an ex married "friend".  No, I can never accept but darn it, I still want him.  My counselor reminds me that he is nothing more than an actor... .   he knows what needs to be said to feed my heart.  

Well, the gifts got sent back, the phone and text recently got blocked and once I figure out how to block my email, that will be next.  I'm not strong enough not to react emotionally to the contacts so I'm learning I must "block" them.  I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do as painful as it is.  

I've recently joined a divorce and recovery group.  Its helpful to be around others going through the same thing.  I realize its going to take time and for me the key is to stay busy.  As much as I want to sit around and feel sorry for myself and question details of the relationship, it doesn't help.  

Personally, I think you should continue to try to move forward without contact.  Going back will only bring more of the same drama.  It didn't work the first time and it sure isn't going to work the second time... .   nothing has changed.  You deserve a better life and as hard as it is to wait and give things time, we must be patient.  

[stoic83]

Hi healingmyheart,

I'm sorry you share a similar experience.

I can only imagine what it must be like to be in a rs with a BPD male, and I imagine it could be worse... .   due to the man's stereotypical role of being the pursuer in the relationship. My exwBPD's father had BPD as well, and like your exbf he was considered "very handsome" to the point where it didn't seem like women minded sharing him... .   he passed away recently and was married 4 times, killed his best friend in a drunken motorcycle accident, and died in his early 60s as a result of alcohol abuse and hepatitis... .  

Women at his funeral (including his current wife, a past wife, and my ex's mom) were all balling crying and the funeral had little other content then talking about how "cool" and how "charming and personable he was". As I sat there listening to stories of this man's life, I can only think about things that my exwBPD told me about him... .   violent towards  boys in his daughter's lives, a serial philanderer, sleeps in a separate bed from his wife, etc... .   etc... . I saw a very different picture and that doesn't even include my very strong suspicion that he molested his daughters.

My exwBPD is in hardcore AA and it is probably helping her to stay away from me, and other love obsessions. She is a love obssessed person, and come to think of it... .   most of the women I have been in relationships were obssessed with me on some unhealthy level, objectified me, idealized me... .   and it was just a whole lot easier than putting myself out there and risking rejection from somebody else.

In each case i was replaced with somebody else, and the woman is now love obssessed with somebody else. So it really is a stupid game to play. I don't really care how beautiful my exwBPD is on the outside... .   I may end up with someone who is more or less physically attractive to me, but at the end of the day I'd rather be with someone who can be a great teammate... .   a giver, and a receiver... .   but never a "taker".

The only reason I stuck around, is because she brainwashed me to some extent with her intermittent feedback and her threats and twisting things around so I thought she was the prize, when it reality it is the other way around.

Her attempts at reconnecting were lame. And if she does something drastic like show up at my house again out of nowhere I am calling the cops. Maybe you should think about doing the same?

I mean I know 90% of my relationship was great as well on the surface (but she was probably just pretending to cover up all the terrible uncontrollable thoughts she was having)

In the end she was threatening me with cutting off my genitals, calling the cops on me when she was being violent, and ruining my reputation... .   it must have been humiliating for her.

Myself, personally... .   I would never ever say such terrible things to somebody I care about. I would never think about hurting somebody that I love... .   and so I would like to be with someone the same as me. It's as simple as that.

You and I are not crazy... .   maybe just a bit naive, gullible, and with self-esteem issues.

Superficial glib, charm, and physical beauty is just bull~ marketing material. Integrity and determination to do right by ourselves and others is what I want to represent and find in a partner.

[healingmyheart]

That's interesting about your exwpbd's father.  

My ex in an attempt to guilt me into coming back said that I'll never find anyone as good looking as his (pretty narcissistic wouldn't you say?) and that when I find a guy half as good looking as him, I won't be happy because I'll still want my him.  

You know, I'm be very happy with a guy half as good looking as him as long as he treats me with respect and doesn't lie and deceive me.  Is that asking too much?  It just shows how superficial me ex really is... .  

And yes, you are correct.  I was naive and gullible.  I even said those very words to my ex.  I was married for over 20 years before this relationship to an honorable man who would never lie nor cheat.  I thought all guys were that way... .  

[stoic83]

That's interesting about your exwpbd's father.  

My ex in an attempt to guilt me into coming back said that I'll never find anyone as good looking as his (pretty narcissistic wouldn't you say?) and that when I find a guy half as good looking as him, I won't be happy because I'll still want my him.  

You know, I'm be very happy with a guy half as good looking as him as long as he treats me with respect and doesn't lie and deceive me.  Is that asking too much?  It just shows how superficial me ex really is... .  

And yes, you are correct.  I was naive and gullible.  I even said those very words to my ex.  I was married for over 20 years before this relationship to an honorable man who would never lie nor cheat.  I thought all guys were that way... .  

Yes until this relationship I was with women who would never lie or cheat on me. However, they still idealized me and wanted to show me off as an accessory. I don't think it has anything to do with my looks... .   because i am probably just slightly better than average... .   but it doesn't feel good as a person to be objectified in such a manner... .   especially when the women I have been in rs with were nothing to brag about. I looked at these women as complex human beings and to them I was something to show off in some way shape or form to the other people in their life... .  

I'm starting to wonder if this is how all women are... .   one of the main thing about their relationship is how it defines them in the eyes of friends and family. I never really cared about this sort of thing... .   so it upsets me. For me it's much more about my personal connection with the other person, not how it plays in to my personal fantasy of how my life should appear to others... .  

Im sure Im just bitter at this point... .   but I digress. I think most people are unhealthily narcissistic in this country. Brainwashed by the media... .   etc... .   etc. I want to have a meaningful life with meaningful and authentic relationships.

The arguments I had with my exwBPD just got annoying and caddy in the end... .   as soon as she saw she lost control over me with her threats of leaving, or whatever else... .   she bailed because she thought i didnt love her anymore. I think she interprets love as how little boundaries the other person has or something... .   it's truly a skewed perspective that I don't want a part of anymore... .   I'm done proving myself and if I want something in my life I am not going to settle for second-rate treatment from my nearest and dearest.

[healingmyheart]

stoic83,

I can assure you that ALL women are not that way.  I thought it was just an added bonus that my ex was extremely handsome and looked so young for his age.  It was a mutual friend who got us together so i didn't search him out... .   of course, it was the mutual "married" friend who ultimately stole him right back but she can have him with all his dysfunction. 

I must admit I loved sharing pictures of him on facebook with all my old high school.  He is very athletic... .   does triathlons and lifts weights.  Even though he is in is early 50's, he's in better shape that most 30 year olds.  He would look in the mirror and just sorta admire himself... .   very narcissistic.

He was always critiquing me and my outfits.  That was mostly his control issue but I think he wanted me to look a certain way too.  I was always feeling self conscious that I had to meet up to his standard.  If I knew he didn't like something, I wouldn't wear it.  He hated orange (my favorite color) so I stopped wearing that color all together.  That's one good thing about him being gone... .   I love being able to wear what I want and not have to worry what he'll think.  I can't believe I allowed it. 

I never felt secure with my ex even though he was very handsome.  I would take a balding, slightly overweight, short guy any day of the week if he was genuine and honest.  I do believe a lot of women feel that way... .   I've always felt that way.  In fact, I'm almost turned off by really attractive guys now because I just assume they are narcissistic and I want no part of that craziness anymore. 

[stoic83]

stoic83,

I can assure you that ALL women are not that way.  I thought it was just an added bonus that my ex was extremely handsome and looked so young for his age.  It was a mutual friend who got us together so i didn't search him out... .   of course, it was the mutual "married" friend who ultimately stole him right back but she can have him with all his dysfunction. 

I must admit I loved sharing pictures of him on facebook with all my old high school.  He is very athletic... .   does triathlons and lifts weights.  Even though he is in is early 50's, he's in better shape that most 30 year olds.  He would look in the mirror and just sorta admire himself... .   very narcissistic.

He was always critiquing me and my outfits.  That was mostly his control issue but I think he wanted me to look a certain way too.  I was always feeling self conscious that I had to meet up to his standard.  If I knew he didn't like something, I wouldn't wear it.  He hated orange (my favorite color) so I stopped wearing that color all together.  That's one good thing about him being gone... .   I love being able to wear what I want and not have to worry what he'll think.  I can't believe I allowed it. 

I never felt secure with my ex even though he was very handsome.  I would take a balding, slightly overweight, short guy any day of the week if he was genuine and honest.  I do believe a lot of women feel that way... .   I've always felt that way.  In fact, I'm almost turned off by really attractive guys now because I just assume they are narcissistic and I want no part of that craziness anymore. 

I've read in many women's article online is to "hook UP, but date DOWN". Meaning that a women should always try to be a little bit better than the man in their life if they want to be treated well. So you are probably right that most women share this sentiment, while secretly lusting for something else?

Subconsciously I think I have brushed off attractive, educated women because I thought there was no way in hell they could be interested in me and dated more extroverted social butterfly types that were assertive with me... .   (alpha females?)

These women were all braggarts, and liked to brag about me for different reasons: age (when I was with an older woman), intelligence (when I was with a scientist), and coming from a successful family (exwBPD both bragged about me, and then bashed me when splitting).

Do you think there is something wrong with me that I get hurt when I see them really bragging about me to their family? It makes me feel like my external qualities are most important, and then I just feel like the connection is a shallow farce... .   and they are in love with my qualities, and not my "soul"? Is this an unhealthy codependent notion of love that I have?



My mom always said my girlfriends were "ugly" or "too plain" or "bossy"... .   basically she destroyed any fun relationships I had when growing up.

Personally I think I kept extra weight as a youngster because it upset my narcisissitic parents... .   my weight was a reflection of their parenting... .   my mom was humiliated at the dr's office

In reality I was never obese, just a chub... .   but I've realize when I slim down I get a LOT of attention from women and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and so I subconsciously preferred to be heavy... .   now that I am in therapy, I am starting to realize that I need to take good care of my self for me... .   etc... .   etc.

Anyways, that's some introspective nonsense for you guys from yours truly... .   .

On a side note, talked to T today about the pining for ex... .   and she always just says, that I was with her for four years and its natural for me to feel warm feelings towards her, but that her and I are not a good match and that I need to find somebody who is more giving.

I am pretty sure she was just mirroring back something I said in an earlier session, but it does help me look at this as a normal relationship which helps with the trauma symptoms resulting from my exwBPDs psychotic episodes... .  


Hope you are well healingmyheart! I think most guys love getting bragged about... .   I think there is something wrong with me there, because it actually upsets me and puts me immediately on guard! I wonder why... .   maybe it's because my parents bragged about me so much, and I never could meet their unrealistic expectations.

I know with my ex then me bragging about her made her extremely uncomfortable, like she hated any expectation placed upon her by me talking about her to other people in my life... .   it was strange, but hey I hate being bragged about too... .   so maybe that's ONE thing we had in common:)

I know we are in different age groups, but we share a common pain! A big hug to you . You'll get through this!

Stoic

[Billa]

stoic83,


It's a death of a dream that I never thought I'd loose in the beginning.  When I started to see the red flags, I remained in denial for I couldn't let go of that dream.  At the end with the hate stage, I had no choice but to let go but it was the most painful thing to do.

 The reality is that I would have to compromise myself for the relationship to work.  I'd have to accept that there would be other women behind the scenes to feed his needs... .   I can't do that.  I would have to allow him to control me... .   I won't do that anymore.  I would have to allow him to rage at me when he reaches his breaking point... .   nope, not gonna' happen.  To take him back, I must accept the bad with the good and I am realizing that I need to be whole again and can't go back to the submissive role I was playing.  I realize that I was being very codependent on his man.  I have to work to do on myself and that's the bottom line.  I want to be healthy.  

that's the same experience I've had. It's terrible and the pain is huge.