Court tomorrow, support and prayers please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPD exGF decided in Jan to take me to court for visitation of my kids. we are a lesbians, but were never married, haven't lived together in years... .   yet she is very attached to my 4 kids. We initially had a court date of Mar 27, but it got delayed because I hired a lawyer. That led to an angry outburst, blast of horrible emails and facebook posts. Ugh. Last week she started calling me... .   trying to be nice. I thought maybe she was trying to recycle the relationship, but low and behold... .   nope. She was just trying to make things look better tomorrow, and hope that if she loses I would let her see them anyway. I was very hurt and angry.

I came to a realization this weekend... .   she is happy - at least as happy as someone with BPD can be. She is also an alcoholic. She has the security of her own apartment, her family that use her financially (her brother and his wife have been living off of her for the last 6 months... .   no jobs, she supports them), she has her best buddy (who she had cut off for 10 years due to their crack use and his issues. He came back into her life last March), she has her job, her freedom. Life is pretty good i would think. I then realized when i was in her life, it wasn't good. We argued over her family constantly using her, I couldn't stand this friend and didn't want him around my kids. I hated her drinking, I wanted her here with me, to be a family, not with them. I wanted something she cannot give... .   not with her alcoholism and personality disorder. I love her and it brings me to tears when I dwell on it.

I am angry and hurt. i find it hard to respond in a nice way to her emails/texts/calls. I feel used for my children, used in general. She hides it for awhile, but then reverts back to how evil I am, how I stole the kids, etc. All these black statements that make me wonder if she ever loved me. I have to constantly remind myslef of the horrible way she treated me, the absences, etc. My heart wants to only look at my fantasy and mourn.

I am trying to imagine life after tomorrow. I am hoping i will win. i have the best lawyer in town. She has no legal grounds to stand on. After she is told she can't see them... .   will she cut me off entirely? Will she ramp up her campaign in hopes I will crumble and let her see them? Will she start showing up at my house, and all that craziness? i know the threat of court has kept her in check. i know she had said many times if she lost she was walking away. I had initially offerred to let her see them if she lost but she said she wasn't going to let me control her like that. Last week, in a fit of anger, I let her know I had changed my mind and if she lost... . that was it.  I don't think she expected that. i dread seeing her tomorrow.

[PattyG]

My uBPD exGF decided in Jan to take me to court for visitation of my kids. we are a lesbians, but were never married, haven't lived together in years... .   yet she is very attached to my 4 kids. We initially had a court date of Mar 27, but it got delayed because I hired a lawyer. That led to an angry outburst, blast of horrible emails and facebook posts. Ugh. Last week she started calling me... .   trying to be nice. I thought maybe she was trying to recycle the relationship, but low and behold... .   nope. She was just trying to make things look better tomorrow, and hope that if she loses I would let her see them anyway. I was very hurt and angry.

I came to a realization this weekend... .   she is happy - at least as happy as someone with BPD can be. She is also an alcoholic. She has the security of her own apartment, her family that use her financially (her brother and his wife have been living off of her for the last 6 months... .   no jobs, she supports them), she has her best buddy (who she had cut off for 10 years due to their crack use and his issues. He came back into her life last March), she has her job, her freedom. Life is pretty good i would think. I then realized when i was in her life, it wasn't good. We argued over her family constantly using her, I couldn't stand this friend and didn't want him around my kids. I hated her drinking, I wanted her here with me, to be a family, not with them. I wanted something she cannot give... .   not with her alcoholism and personality disorder. I love her and it brings me to tears when I dwell on it.

I am angry and hurt. i find it hard to respond in a nice way to her emails/texts/calls. I feel used for my children, used in general. She hides it for awhile, but then reverts back to how evil I am, how I stole the kids, etc. All these black statements that make me wonder if she ever loved me. I have to constantly remind myslef of the horrible way she treated me, the absences, etc. My heart wants to only look at my fantasy and mourn.

I am trying to imagine life after tomorrow. I am hoping i will win. i have the best lawyer in town. She has no legal grounds to stand on. After she is told she can't see them... .   will she cut me off entirely? Will she ramp up her campaign in hopes I will crumble and let her see them? Will she start showing up at my house, and all that craziness? i know the threat of court has kept her in check. i know she had said many times if she lost she was walking away. I had initially offerred to let her see them if she lost but she said she wasn't going to let me control her like that. Last week, in a fit of anger, I let her know I had changed my mind and if she lost... . that was it.  I don't think she expected that. i dread seeing her tomorrow.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, let the lawyer do her thing and let the process happen.  Be sure not to lose your temper with her in or out of court.  While she can rage at you, lie about it and get away with it, that disordered tactic may not work for you.  As the saying goes, the mis-behaving get few if any consequences and the well-behaving get little if any credit.

For example... .  

Her: "I have never raged even once or done anything bad in my entire life."

Judge:  "I will accept that at face value.  In any case, if anyone disagrees it's just hearsay."

You: "I have only raged at her when... .   " (and about to finish, "she raged at me first".)

Judge: "Oh, you admit to raging?  That may need to be addressed... .   "

See what I mean?  Be careful what you say or do.  And do not admit to raging, etc.  Yes, you spoke firmly, but not out of control.  Got it?  Likely your lawyer will tell you to keep answers simple and not volunteer anything more.  Too often that extra explanation can be used against you.

[catnap]

Hold your head up and know that you are doing what is best for your children. 

Good luck and Godspeed.