Do they only Rage on People they really care about?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi;

Can anyone tell me, do BPD's only rage on someone they care for?

People they are starting to have strong feelings for?

Do they rage on strangers or do they save that for lovers?

My UBPDEXgf and I were "Just-Friends" for several months (long before I had ever heard of BPD).  In that time I saw some odd-behavior and the she was quick to get angry.

But once she toggled over to being... .   intimate, the real chaos began.

I saw a full-blown rage episode (triggered by... .   my eyebrow raising... .   not kidding) followed by 45mins of silent treatment.

Lies and mis-remembering... .   etc.

I guess I am trying to figure out (in a perverse way) if she cared for me... .  

[bondafc]

Hi;

Can anyone tell me, do BPD's only rage on someone they care for?

People they are starting to have strong feelings for?

Do they rage on strangers or do they save that for lovers?

My UBPDEXgf and I were "Just-Friends" for several months (long before I had ever heard of BPD).  In that time I saw some odd-behavior and the she was quick to get angry.

But once she toggled over to being... .   intimate, the real chaos began.

I saw a full-blown rage episode (triggered by... .   my eyebrow raising... .   not kidding) followed by 45mins of silent treatment.

Lies and mis-remembering... .   etc.

I guess I am trying to figure out (in a perverse way) if she cared for me... .  

[wanttoknowmore]

A definite ... . YES. They only rage at people who they think are emotionally too close. This is a disorder of intimacy. Intimacy creates a huge fear in them that if you see them how damaged they are then, you will leave them and they will have to endure immense pain. They leave you  if they feel you are too close and can see their real self. Mine said "Now that I have shared so much of my inside with you... . I am very afraid that you will not like me and leave me... . I don't want to go thru that pain again... . I have to move on. Thank you for everything. They want intimacy and then,they fear intimacy.

[SadWifeofBPD]

A definite ... . YES. They only rage at people who they think are emotionally too close. This is a disorder of intimacy. Intimacy creates a huge fear in them that if you see them how damaged they are then, you will leave them and they will have to endure immense pain. They leave you  if they feel you are too close and can see their real self. Mine said "Now that I have shared so much of my inside with you... . I am very afraid that you will not like me and leave me... . I don't want to go thru that pain again... . I have to move on. Thank you for everything. They want intimacy and then,they fear intimacy.

I've wondered about this, too.  There are people who are rage-targets and others who aren't.   

IMO, pwBPD do not paint every "deserving" person black.  Don't know why they won't paint some people "black" who actually deserve to be.      

[hellokitty4]

A definite ... . YES. They only rage at people who they think are emotionally too close. This is a disorder of intimacy. Intimacy creates a huge fear in them that if you see them how damaged they are then, you will leave them and they will have to endure immense pain. They leave you  if they feel you are too close and can see their real self.

This is so true even with close friendships. My close udxBPD only started with the full on push/pull when we got really close, when we got emotionally close. I am the only one who knows the real her, how she thinks, how she reacts, how she acts differently only with me. She doesn't rage but she throws temper tantrums. Even with knowing all about her, and with my assurances that I will not leave her there is always that fear. Just yesterday we were talking on the phone and she snapped at me for asking a pertinent question to what we were discussing. When I just let it go, she calmed down. But after that talk I felt a small pushing away from her. She would not have snapped at anybody for asking the same question but because it was me, it was easier. Yet I know she regretted it. This was followed by a little bit of silent treatment all day. But come afternoon when I called her to see how she was doing, she immediately called me back. And tonight, when normally she would not have sent me a text to tell me that she was going to sleep, she did so I don't wonder if she didnt pick up her phone. I know she just wanted to know that I would still be here... .   like I always said I would.

Ever since I started applying the lessons I've learned from books and  from here,  it has gotten easier. In turn she was a bit confused at first with how I was handling situations that I would have handled differently.

[Dawning]

My impression is that he raged at people when he knew they take it and he could get away with it. I don't think there is caring for the rage object involved. He could rage at strange kids who kicked a ball in his front yard.

[Billa]

[

IMO, pwBPD do not paint every "deserving" person black.  Don't know why they won't paint some people "black" who actually deserve to be.      

that's the point. I was painted black because of false accusations, but his ex Gf (now recycled), who was proved to be a liar and had to admit it with him (she told him that some friends had said nasty things about him, then he discovered that she had been the one who had said those things. But she was to be justified, because "she was very angry at th moment" , wasn't. She is a saint and everything she makes is pure.

[j4c]

If my ex had a problem with someone she would probably be okay to that persons face but badmouth her to others. If she had a problem with me - no matter how petty, she would scream the house down!

[SadWifeofBPD]

[

IMO, pwBPD do not paint every "deserving" person black.  Don't know why they won't paint some people "black" who actually deserve to be.      

that's the point. I was painted black because of false accusations, but his ex Gf (now recycled), who was proved to be a liar and had to admit it with him (she told him that some friends had said nasty things about him, then he discovered that she had been the one who had said those things. But she was to be justified, because "she was very angry at th moment" , wasn't. She is a saint and everything she makes is pure.

this is the mystery to me.  Last fall, H was staying at his brother's home while attending daytime rehab.  BIL annoyed my H on several occasions and BIL literally "took" my H's meds to control them, yet H never raged at him (which he would have done if I had done those things).    However, years ago, H did RAGE at his brother because BIL had been very lazy about getting their elderly dad to the right specialist, so FIL died earlier than he would have.  I witnessed that rage; H screamed and ranted on the phone to his brother.  Then when FIL died, H completely ignored this brother at the funeral.  Complete snub. BIL was painted BLACK.  However, now this brother is H's "close confidant and advisor."  BIL is white, white, white.

It must be some kind of very primitive survival thing going on.   

[healingmyheart]

I think they have to feel intimately involved with you before you can see their true colors.  I remember back to the beginning of our relationship when stressful things happened.  For example, I remember once my hormonal teenage child had a meltdown and was yelling at me.  My then BPD boyfriend just stood there and watched and didn't say a thing.  He said it wasn't his place.  Two years later, he raged at me and my daughter and was verbally abusive when she was being a teenager and had her moments.  

I remember another time I lost something very important due to my own irresponsibility. I remember telling my then BPD boyfriend and he was so supportive.  I was so use to seeing him rage at his teenager daughter anytime that she did anything wrong that I wondered why I was exempt from being raged at.  I even asked why.  He didn't have an answer but also commented that had his daughter done what I did, he would have been terribly upset and yes, yelled at her.  

Obviously, he wasn't comfortable yet and it took awhile before he was able to let his guard down and show his true colors.  In the end when he was pulling away, he was raging at everything I said.  I was so painful.

[pari]

That's true. Most of the comments here make excellent point and are true, at least in my case.

They worship people who are close and the next moment you can find them yelling at close ones. I saw this pattern that bf was super nice with everyone around, even with people who were taking advantage of him. He wouldn't want to confront them. But later would get short at me. I told him that I feel like a toy, worshiped at one moment and yelled at next. During end of our relationship my xBPD bf had less and less tolerance for me. He would call me and would yell at me for hours. I would try to validate and listen, but nothing seemed to help. He would go one to the point when I had to beg him to stop talking to me like that. He was burning with anger and had to let it out and knowing that I would tolerate, he would only do it infront of me.

I think they do this because they know people who are close would not reject them for this behavior. Sometimes they do this because they have strong emotions and don't know how to deal with it.

[maryy16]

My BPDh's coworker once told me "X is such a great guy" and in my head I thought "Yes he is, just don't marry him".

Everything changed almost the moment we started "going out".  He says it's because he "expected more out of me".

Lately he told me that I'm an easy target because I'm weak, meaning that I don't fight back.  Yes, I'm a wimp... .   I get hurt easily... .   and he completely took advantage of that for many, many years.

[bondafc]

That's what I feel too.

As "Just-Friends" she could keep it together... .   kinda.

Once we crossed into something more... .   it was terrible.

So the horrible question it raises, why couldn't she keep it together after. She has the capacity to keep it together.

Intellectually, I know the reasons. Her illness/BPD.  Intimacy = Pain.

In my heart, I can't reconcile it... .  

Intellectually, I know she will never get better, that the relationship would never improve only get worse and I had to leave/escape.

In my heart, I still hope... .

Bagh... .  

[SadWifeofBPD]

I think they rage at people that AT THAT MOMENT they think they can do without in their lives.

When H rages at me, he tells me later that at that moment, he has "put me out of his life".   When he raged at his sister one time, he told me that he doesn't care if he ever sees her again.  When he raged at his brother, he told me the same thing. 

They're like little children saying "I hate you mommy, I'm running away".  Because at that moment, they truly believe that they're leaving you forever. 

[Hellothere]

I'm going to say for 90% of the time yes they only rage at people they are close to (this in itself is a loose term for the word "close" but basically people who they know will tolerate it.

There were a couple of occasions I remember her flying off the handle at someone other then me. I think the BPD has to have painted you black before they think it's "acceptable" to rage At someone the way they do.

[mitchell16]

IMO, yes, Mine would never rage at anyone else but she didnt hold back with me. Why, I think she knew I would take it and I had forgiven so much already I wouldnt hold it againt her. One of her friends cursed her out one day, she starting crying ran outside and called up another freinds and told the other freind what friend one had did. How childish? but she didnt fight back or say a word to the freind that cursed her out. I asked her one time why she only did it to me. She said her freinds didnt really matter she could take them or leave them. She told them she loved them but she didnt really mean it, she said. Told me because I was the closest to her,  she took things out on me. So I was her punching bag.

[bondafc]

"So I was her punching bag."

WOW! That is truly horrible... .  

I saw it once... .   twisted, terrifying, explosive, black rage.

... .   once was enough... .  

That was four weeks into our "Bf/Gf" relationship that I had waited soo long for.

Two weeks later I ended it. 

I realized it would never get better, only worse.

(there was a bunch of other nasty stuff too... .   )

That was eight months of NC ago... .  

[crazylife]

I know my uBPDh will rage at anyone that does him "wrong" and wont let it go. My father was in business with a crook (he didnt know that initially) and the guy cheated him out of millions... .   but my dad would not get aggressive about getting his money. My husband works for my dad and raged at this man, almost stalked him, and threatened him repeatedly. This went on over a year. We hear about it daily too. He finally let it go after we got ourselves untangled from  him legally. Now he seems to have moved on.He only knew this man threw business.

[myself]

A pwBPD doesn't like what they see in their mirror, it's deeply upsetting. Since some of that has been projected onto you, you also become a target for their negativity.