Split black, when will it end?

[BPDdaddy]

Hi guys,

I am going through what will probably be a very rough divorce with my wife, and she tries to destroy me anytime that I am around her.  My question is (because I know this is unpredictable), but when does the splitting black usually end--When she finally gets into another relationship and moves on?  When she finally realizes how miserable she has made her life?  When she finally reaches out to her old friends who she has cut out of her life?  When does the madness usually stop?  If anyone has some good stories that explain a situation that has gone from ridiculously bad to somewhat salvageable, that would be great.  Thanks.

[mango_flower]

I'm not sure this is the answer you're looking for as our situations are so different, but mine paints me black some days, and I'm pretty sure her new friends are hearing her skewed version of the truth.

A few days later, after saying she is "done" with us trying to be friends, I usually get a message of "hi, how are you?".

I'm not sure whether that means she has painted me white again, or whether she still hates me but can't face actually not having me in her life.  She seems to have some weird attachment to me, even though she is happy with her new fiancee.

I've also noticed that the times she gets in touch are times when she doesn't have friends around, and is bored/lonely.

[LuckyEscapee]

Sorry that you are going through this. The painting black aspect is horrendous  

I can only share my experience but if it may help, here goes.

":)estroy" was definitely my experience. With absolutely no need as we had no ties, no need to do anything but walk away from each other. Him taking me down seemed to become all consuming for him. I was scarred for life by the experience  

This only stopped after he left town. He was busy starting a new life and that kept his mind busy I guess. Then he started telling me he missed me, as though it had all never happened.

For me him having a new relationship didn't stop it. He had her lined up ready, she moved in and they got engaged immediately. I know for a fact he was being sweetly hearts and flowers with her whilst literally at the same time raging abhorrent hate and threats at me (he mistakenly flicked me a couple of her messages in error). Total Jekyll and Hyde. I didn't retaliate as I didn't want to make that behavior acceptable. I stepped aside for them, wished them well. I just wanted to be left alone!

My theory is that in a new town he wasn't being triggered by our memories, or by being near me. The new start also kept him very busy, by which time he had broken his own pattern of behavior. I shut down all information avenues he could use to get to me, or against me and basically holed myself up. Even now I am very careful what I say to who. I know he reaches out through colleagues for information. He seems to hate that blocked info pipe, but anytime he does get a thread of info he pops his ugly head back up somewhere.

I can honestly say to myself that I did everything I could for that man, and was blown away by how viciouly he turned on me. I honestly believed he wanted me dead. BPD is mission impossible in my experience. My latest instalment is he has rewritten history and wants to be friends. Not a chance!

Physical distance definitely was a beneficial factor for me. If he hadn't moved, I would have. I even contemplated shifting country. Good luck  

[BlushAndBashful]

Mine was divorced from wife #1 (mother of his children) close to 30 years ago, and he STILL paints her as spawn of Satan. (Well, last time we talked, which was almost 2 years ago, she was evil- and I doubt that's changed).

I'm sure I'm still currently the prime candidate for "craziest ex of all time who destroyed my life" because I was the most recent- but every woman he's ever dated in the last 3 decades is supposedly horrid. And crazy, too. Shocking.

[GreenMango]

BPDDaddy are you looking for ways to lessen the conflict during the divorce?