Partner has broken up from me via email...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What can I say... .   not a lot... .   She has done this before, but this seems serious now... . and I thought that we were on the verge of really working it out, as she opened up to me big time last Sunday night, (after her Sunday morning emotional outburst)... .   she doesnt think we ''fit'' she apologised for her behaviour over the past 3.5 years... .  

I think its pretty spineless and very immature after 3.5 years to break up from via email.

here's some of the email:

m sorry to be sending this message by email, but I can’t face you by phone or face to face.  I am breaking up the relationship.

I know you will be angry, because you believe we are just getting there, just working things out and are on the right road. I do not believe that however.

now you will be surprised because we have planned the camping trip but the last little bit of willingness to make this work died in me yesterday, but mostly my feelings wore away last Sunday. And yes I was up for seeing you this weekend, but only just. It is better we did not go. For a little while  I have been looking objectively on our relationship. I don’t like what I see. In fact it has become a joke. I don’t like what I have become, I don’t like that you are angry and I am angry.  We do not bring out the best in each other. I am ashamed of my behaviour over the time and I take full responsibility for it but I seem to be frustrated and am unable to get on top of it.

I think you are a beautiful person and I will miss you and the many beautiful things about you. I just know from the bottom of my gut that we will not work. We are too different. I want, as I know you do, a relationship that is at least complimenting. I want to “fit” but we don’t and I don’t believe we ever will, not even with a conscious effort on both our parts.   On closing, I want to say I acknowledge the loving things you have done to make us work, the love you have given me. I have learnt a lot from you and you are special in my heart. Take care please sweet one. We will both need some time. Re logistics, your kayak and paintings, maybe one day, let me know and you can come and get them. I will get my wardrobe back, but there is no hurry.


So there you go... .   interesting how she says im an angry person... . that projection was huge in this rship... .  

anyway... .   why does she think I want to wait to pick up my kayak? - i emailed her back and asked her to drop it off next week, along with the paintings when I'm not home... .  

any thoughts guys?

[defusion5]

What can I say... .   not a lot... .   She has done this before, but this seems serious now... . and I thought that we were on the verge of really working it out, as she opened up to me big time last Sunday night, (after her Sunday morning emotional outburst)... .   she doesnt think we ''fit'' she apologised for her behaviour over the past 3.5 years... .  

I think its pretty spineless and very immature after 3.5 years to break up from via email.

here's some of the email:

m sorry to be sending this message by email, but I can’t face you by phone or face to face.  I am breaking up the relationship.

I know you will be angry, because you believe we are just getting there, just working things out and are on the right road. I do not believe that however.

now you will be surprised because we have planned the camping trip but the last little bit of willingness to make this work died in me yesterday, but mostly my feelings wore away last Sunday. And yes I was up for seeing you this weekend, but only just. It is better we did not go. For a little while  I have been looking objectively on our relationship. I don’t like what I see. In fact it has become a joke. I don’t like what I have become, I don’t like that you are angry and I am angry.  We do not bring out the best in each other. I am ashamed of my behaviour over the time and I take full responsibility for it but I seem to be frustrated and am unable to get on top of it.

I think you are a beautiful person and I will miss you and the many beautiful things about you. I just know from the bottom of my gut that we will not work. We are too different. I want, as I know you do, a relationship that is at least complimenting. I want to “fit” but we don’t and I don’t believe we ever will, not even with a conscious effort on both our parts.   On closing, I want to say I acknowledge the loving things you have done to make us work, the love you have given me. I have learnt a lot from you and you are special in my heart. Take care please sweet one. We will both need some time. Re logistics, your kayak and paintings, maybe one day, let me know and you can come and get them. I will get my wardrobe back, but there is no hurry.


So there you go... .   interesting how she says im an angry person... . that projection was huge in this rship... .  

anyway... .   why does she think I want to wait to pick up my kayak? - i emailed her back and asked her to drop it off next week, along with the paintings when I'm not home... .  

any thoughts guys?

[defusion5]

by the way,. it was only 6 months ago that she acknowledged her fear of commitment phobia.!    From what she has told me, she has never really fitted with anyone... . I was the longest rship she has had since she was a lot younger with only another person... . I was the first person she had lived with for over 20 years... .  

Part of me feels devastated, another part of me feels relieved, its such mixed emotions... .   I'm okay, just shocked.  We were to go camping tomorrow night, I bought a load of stuff for it, and whilst at the shops I got the email... .  

[VeryFree]

Hard to hear it that way. I know, because same happened to me: my stbx mailed me while I was away for a week.

All I can say: take care for yourself, as well emotionally as practically. About the first you can read a lot at this boards. With the second I mean that if you can get your stuff (and you want it), you should get it.

But be wise: if you SO is BPD, protect yourself!

Take care!

[Empathy101]

Wow! I'm really sorry you're doing through this. One quick response to your question: In my research, it's very common for someone with BPD to actually try to hold on to the other persons possessions. Giving everything back in final; it hinders them having a reason/excuse that justifies them contacting you later (if they regret/change their mind) and I would theorize that those material possessions still present a connection to the person/relationship so having them prevents a full blast of abandonment - which as well all know, they frantically avoid feeling.

[Empathy101]

Geez. I just realized that my typing/spelling stinks without a full pot of coffee in me

In your case, if you wanted some speculation, I'd also theorize that her "opening up" last Sunday was likely triggering in some way and the email/breakup are the typical push-away, immature coping mechanism. I'm sure that doesn't help with what you're feeling but maybe viewing it that way makes it a little easier?

I think how you handled it was perfect. I would also request my stuff asap and in a way that prevents direct contact. The best thing for you right now would be to take at least one week to yourself where if she attempts to contact you/reconcile, you stick to NC mode. You were on the fence in the first place and that one single week can sometimes help give clarity over the reality of the relationship and it's potential (or lack of).

Again, I feel for you. I still remember the split and trying to make sense of the bizarre martyr-like justification as though it was for my own well-being when the reality of it was that she wanted to run from her problems as she always has. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure the board will offer you as much support as you need.

[defusion5]

thanks guys for your input... .

6 hours since she broke up via email.  I dont know if she is going to contact me.  I have no idea.  Right now, I need to look after myself. I'm still in shock, although if I were less innocent and more receptive to some key indicators I would have seen this coming.  It was only last Sunday night after her explosion that morning that she threatened to break up, then we talked and I again appeased and everything was ok... .  not.

I guess I need to move to L3 board, its over, whether she contacts me again or not, I need to move on.  Your right Empathy101, it wouldnt surprise me if she did contact me again, its happened before. If she does, I will not respond. Although I feel pretty wiped emotionally I can set those boundaries.

I know this isnt about me, or even the rship.  The amount of push/pull, projection over the past few weeks has been overt.  She is still that mode of anger/martyrdom/reactive... .     I'm glad I'm not around... .

Ive been also thinking that by me being out of the picture now, she wont have to use me as her punching bag, so to speak.  She wont have any one else (at least for now), to blame for her own issues.  Like you said Empathy101, she just keeps running away from her problems... . and this is just another time.

I felt I could never keep up with her moods, even in the early part of our rship, although I never saw the anger and emotional outbursts back then , (that came later)... .

There is so much going on for me right now, aside from this rship and she knew that.  Its interesting how when the non BPD has certain issues in their life that they are working on, dealing with. ie executor of late father's estate, that the uBPD partner seems to up the ante... .   anyone experienced this? and is this a trait of BPD? its pretty screwed up... .

Its late here in OZ, I hope to sleep well.  Appreciate all your comments, they have definitely helped and given me more perspective on this situation I now face.

cheers

Defusion

[defusion5]

Again, I feel for you. I still remember the split and trying to make sense of the bizarre martyr-like justification as though it was for my own well-being when the reality of it was that she wanted to run from her problems as she always has. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure the board will offer you as much support as you need.

Yes Empathy, I think self care is vital right now.  I'm so upset, I only had a couple of hours sleep last night.  This time last week I was buying a new top and organising taking her out for dinner.  She came over with a bunch of flowers and was looking forward to the planned date, to celebrate her birthday from a few weeks ago... . We took some great photos... .   I'm still in shock.  That sinking feeling, ache in my stomach is overwhelming.  To be honest, and I know is toxic on my part, but right now I'm hoping that she will see the light and come back... . but, I also know that she can longer treat me like a yoyo... .

What I find the most disturbing is that we had made some major breakthroughs over the past week, and although somewhat rocky in our conversation this week. I truly felt that things were happening.  She started therapy 2 weeks ago, 6months ago she expressed that the reason for her outbursts, anger and frustation was that she had a commitment phobia! no wonder she moved out... . 2 weeks ago, she sent a letter to her perpetrator from her teenage years, got a good response back... . she said, I feel like a weight has lifted... .   god, how many excuses can one have about their behaviour... .   last Sunday it was about my behaviour in being so defensive... .   she thinks our rship was a joke now... . funnily enough, I still have the flowers she bought me on my table from last Saturday afternoon... .   it seems just insane... .

I cant stand this feeling of loss, and the ache... . but, I will make room for it and I know it will eventually pass... .   she hasnt taken me off facebook, nor taken any photographs down from there... . its all just doing my head in... . but, i love my friends and they are here for me... .  

apologies for repeating stuff. im right in it at the moment... .

defusion