Why does he still put himself up for potential rejection?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My 13 yr r/s with my ex uBPD/NPD ended nearly 2 years ago.  We have been total NC for a year after I responded to a number of his e-mails saying I wasn't interested in keeping touch and that I felt I had been made a fool of for long enough.

After I ended the r/s he has always been the one to initiate contact.  One month ago he has asked to connect on a professional networking site - I haven't replied.

I think toxic shame is at the root of his problems and he uses blame, spiteful comments and projection to avoid feeling any accountability for his actions (that would bring shame on him).  

What I don't understand is after so long why would someone that feels this still attempt contact that would a) either put him up for rejection that would possibly re-trigger his worthlessness or b) put him up for contact with someone (me) that may again trigger that shame?  I know there can be an attempt to triangulate to keep back-ups. . .but why do they still do this at the risk to their ego?

Any ideas?

[sm15000]

My 13 yr r/s with my ex uBPD/NPD ended nearly 2 years ago.  We have been total NC for a year after I responded to a number of his e-mails saying I wasn't interested in keeping touch and that I felt I had been made a fool of for long enough.

After I ended the r/s he has always been the one to initiate contact.  One month ago he has asked to connect on a professional networking site - I haven't replied.

I think toxic shame is at the root of his problems and he uses blame, spiteful comments and projection to avoid feeling any accountability for his actions (that would bring shame on him).  

What I don't understand is after so long why would someone that feels this still attempt contact that would a) either put him up for rejection that would possibly re-trigger his worthlessness or b) put him up for contact with someone (me) that may again trigger that shame?  I know there can be an attempt to triangulate to keep back-ups. . .but why do they still do this at the risk to their ego?

Any ideas?

[Validation78]

Hi SM!

My guess is that since BPD behaviors are cyclical, those suffering with it don't even think about the possibility of being rejected. When they reach out, they are in the pull phase which means they want to fill to void they feel inside, looking for a connection. The down side to that is, if they find the connection, the push phase is bound to resurface, and so goes the cycle.

It's easiest for me to radically accept the behaviors as those exhibited by a mentally ill person. Looking for logic, and applying healthy reasoning only frustrates me!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[sm15000]

My guess is that since BPD behaviors are cyclical, those suffering with it don't even think about the possibility of being rejected. When they reach out, they are in the pull phase which means they want to fill to void they feel inside, looking for a connection. The down side to that is, if they find the connection, the push phase is bound to resurface, and so goes the cycle.

Hi,

I can understand what you are saying if you think of someone while they are in a dysregulating cycle. . .and I guess they come in different frequencies for different people depending on a number of things.  Over the 13 yrs my ex was very stable - I only ever saw this push/pull behaviour once towards the end of our r/s in the year or so before we finished.

I'm not so sure if the aspect of being rejected would totally allude him. . .but maybe he protects himself somewhat by having other options in place.

I suppose I am contemplating that after a year NC his emotions may be more stable but perhaps that is never the case 

Thanks

[heartandwhole]

I suppose I am contemplating that after a year NC his emotions may be more stable but perhaps that is never the case  

Hi sm15000,

How are you feeling these days about his recent contact?  Are you thinking about contacting him or maybe the possibility of friendship?  I don't know what I would do if my pwBPD contacted me.  On the one hand, I feel so much stronger and capable of keeping boundaries.  On the other, I'd be really nervous about getting hurt again.

Maybe you are not thinking at all about that, but your sentence just grabbed me.  

heartandwhole  

[sm15000]

How are you feeling these days about his recent contact?  Are you thinking about contacting him or maybe the possibility of friendship?  I don't know what I would do if my pwBPD contacted me.  On the one hand, I feel so much stronger and capable of keeping boundaries.  On the other, I'd be really nervous about getting hurt again.

Hi there,

Well I was a bit shocked. . .it was nearly a month ago now.  I haven't done anything about it but yes, as you have picked up, I'm not totally immune to it. 

I've got no expectations about any possibilities even if I did acknowledge him but yes, you can't help but wonder what my happen if I did   

I suppose my biggest issue is ignoring doesn't sit well with me.  I feel a bit immature and spiteful to a person that overall in 13 years I had great times with even though I know now he was hiding a part of him.  I feel that as a 48 year old (stronger an more aware ) woman who has the understanding now can't say hello and keep those boundaries   

[laelle]

Sm15000,

I understand completely what you mean when you refer to the seemingly "immaturity" of NC.  It does not sit well with me either.  I am 42 years old and I have never in my life

had to just block someone from my life, and I have more ex husbands than the average person. 

The point of NC isnt to punish, its to give you time to figure out how you want to proceed in the relationship without the chaos following you around.

To get yourself to a healthy point.  Free of all the FOG and Gaslighting.

I am not NC with my ex, but I knew when I ended the relationship that he would not contact me.  We had been around the recycle bend quite a few times already.

We were both really tired, and there was no unfinished business to it.

Will he contact me in the future?  I dunno.  I am strong enough now to face that contact if it happens.  I may also choose to greet that future contact with No contact at all.

[heartandwhole]

I suppose my biggest issue is ignoring doesn't sit well with me.  I feel a bit immature and spiteful to a person that overall in 13 years I had great times with even though I know now he was hiding a part of him.  I feel that as a 48 year old (stronger an more aware ) woman who has the understanding now can't say hello and keep those boundaries   

I really get this    I think the trick is to do what feels deep down right for you.  I think if the detachment process was successful, we would be more likely to handle contact well (boundaries, etc.).  Also I think it's helpful to remember that at any point, we can change our minds about anything 

Hugs to you 

[sm15000]

The point of NC isnt to punish, its to give you time to figure out how you want to proceed in the relationship without the chaos following you around.  To get yourself to a healthy point.  Free of all the FOG and Gaslighting.

Hi Laelle,

Yes, I suppose that is the point - I never went NC to punish.  After my last E-Mail which told him I wasn't enthusiastic about keeping in touch, he never replied or contacted again and so I left it for exactly as you said, to be free from the chaos and confusion - to get myself to a more healthy point. . .and I was also willing to see the future with no contact at all.  

But, the contact has happened. . .so to me then ignoring is punishing (like I think he was doing to me really when he never replied above).

We'll see  

[maria1]

Hi SM15000

I don't think their thinking is based on factual memories it's based on feelings. You spent 13 years that were mainly really good with him. He may just be feeling as you are, that it's worth a try at reconnecting. Except he will probably want more from it than you do, and you may find it hard to extricate yourself and feel bad that you might trigger that shame in order to do so. I am already feeling a little trapped back in with my exBPD having had exactly the same thoughts as you about wanting to handle this in a mature fashion.

NC is difficult for me. Somebody posted a while back that there's a cognitive dissonance for them with NC and that's how I feel. I don't get how we come to these boards full of distress at how the pwBPD has dropped us from their lives and painted us black and our response is to cut them out as if they never existed (at least that is how it will appear to them; I know there is more to NC than that). The problem for me is that LC doesn't work either so I am left between a rock and a hard place. Right now I'm trying LC.

Maybe the longer you don't reply the easier it will get.

[laelle]

I see what you mean there sm15000 and I will have to do some thought about that myself.

In the midst of all the wise words that I have received while being a part of the bpdfamily, I believe by far and wide the most helpful words were.

Keep going with whatever is working for you.  Why bring back something into your life that caused you so much pain?  






 

[sm15000]

I really get this    I think the trick is to do what feels deep down right for you.  I think if the detachment process was successful, we would be more likely to handle contact well (boundaries, etc.).  Also I think it's helpful to remember that at any point, we can change our minds about anything 

Thank you  

[sm15000]

Somebody posted a while back that there's a cognitive dissonance for them with NC and that's how I feel. I don't get how we come to these boards full of distress at how the pwBPD has dropped us from their lives and painted us black and our response is to cut them out as if they never existed (at least that is how it will appear to them; I know there is more to NC than that).

It's how I feel too. . .and although my ex did cause me tremendous pain in the end, it would be disingenuous of me to ignore the fact that he's always been the one attempting to keep some sort of contact between us. 

Now I know all the 'BPD/NPD' reasons that drive some of that (especially when we first finished), but I've also seen this man is bearing hurt and shame of some sort that he cannot express.  It makes a romantic r/s impossible for me because the outcome of that are things I cannot accept. . .and are not going to change.  But, also in hindsight, in a way I've seen him try to rescue something out of our r/s. 

I know if I ignore him, he will feel as if I hate him, I don't.  I also know if I had reached out to him and he ignored me, I would think what a w****r

Maria, good luck with your ex. . .I know you've been going through the same thoughts 

[maria1]

Somebody posted a while back that there's a cognitive dissonance for them with NC and that's how I feel. I don't get how we come to these boards full of distress at how the pwBPD has dropped us from their lives and painted us black and our response is to cut them out as if they never existed (at least that is how it will appear to them; I know there is more to NC than that).

It's how I feel too. . .and although my ex did cause me tremendous pain in the end, it would be disingenuous of me to ignore the fact that he's always been the one attempting to keep some sort of contact between us. 

Now I know all the 'BPD/NPD' reasons that drive some of that (especially when we first finished), but I've also seen this man is bearing hurt and shame of some sort that he cannot express.  It makes a romantic r/s impossible for me because the outcome of that are things I cannot accept. . .and are not going to change.  But, also in hindsight, in a way I've seen him try to rescue something out of our r/s. 

I know if I ignore him, he will feel as if I hate him, I don't.  I also know if I had reached out to him and he ignored me, I would think what a w****r

Maria, good luck with your ex. . .I know you've been going through the same thoughts 

Yep- I could have written this ^^^^

I'm afraid that contact may not be the answer. I can say that my ex tries to respect my boundaries, he tries to be my friend. I do feel as if I need to find something in me to try back.

I do currently feel detached enough that it is OK, but only just. I suppose the thing is that you maybe need to remind yourself that what you are imagining to be his feelings of you hating him are actually in your head. Remember we spend a lot of time imagining what they are thinking and that tends to be where it all goes wrong.

Right now if I start worrying about what is going on in his head I bring it back to thinking my ex needs somebody to play with and I don't always say no. I remember him telling me 'My problem is I don't like spending time on my own'.

Just don't get sucked in to imaginings. They will lead you down the rabbit hole even if your ex doesn't.

[sm15000]

I do currently feel detached enough that it is OK, but only just. I suppose the thing is that you maybe need to remind yourself that what you are imagining to be his feelings of you hating him are actually in your head. Remember we spend a lot of time imagining what they are thinking and that tends to be where it all goes wrong.

Maria, you are absolutely right 

I'm imagining. . .and maybe projecting a little about how I would feel if I was ignored onto him.  It may be nothing like that for him. . .and it's good for me to remember that.

[laelle]

Thanks for the nifty piece of advice as well Maria.

You are right.  I should not project how I would feel on to my ex. 

The sympathy and understanding that I feel are no reflection as to what he is actually thinking, or his motives.

[maria1]

It's the biggest and most difficult step in detaching for me. I don't know why I do this with some people and not with others. I constantly have to remind myself that people don't think like me. It's what has got me into mess after mess after mess and still does.

I have a friend I am trying hard to shake off. He recently split with his girlfriend and I'm the one he wants to talk to about it and anything else about him. He does the 'how are you' stuff but I can see or hear him tapping his feet or shuffling about as I tell him.

I largely ignore his persistent calls now. Last night I texted I'd call him later after he'd rung. He rang twice before I did.

I couldn't bear not doing that because I imagined him feeling let down. I didn't want to ring him but I couldn't bear the feeling of him being let down! I don't even like this guy and yet I'm worries he'd feeling let down. So I listen to him for an hour.

I feel warmer to my BPDex than I do this guy yet I can't get out of the friendship !

This is hard, hard stuff. It's like learning to walk on our hands.