Sympathy: What to do when you have none?

[Levi78]

My uBPD mom is feeling the consequences of untreated obesity, old age and piss poor life decisions. She has multiple painful health issues all coming to a head at once. Her crappy insurance no longer covers her escalating needs. She is mental and miserable.

I have maintained a cordial, distant relationship with my mother. (My brother is completely estranged from her.) She would like more time from my family and I, but I'm not willing. My childhood was a nightmare. It took my entire 20s to repair the damage and create a happy life for myself.

Today I called her house for some unrelated reason and her loser, live-in boyfriend gave me a lecture over the phone. Basically I'm a terrible daughter because of my lack of sympathy for her health situation. I cut him short and said I'd just call back later.

He's right though, I really don't care about her situation. But what do I say when they expect me to be available during this hard time? (And the harder times to come.) The fact that I have 2 small kids, am pregnant with my third and live 2 hours away does not work on them. I'm still the awful daughter.

I will do anything to help the people that I love -- I just don't love her.

[nomom4me]

Sorry you got an earful from her boyfriend.

My mom is aging too, and while she is basically healthy she has little falls and I know this is bound to happen more and more (especially as she lives on a property that is difficult to maintain and gets slippery with rain, etc".

I don't have sympathy for her situation, because she could sell her house and live in a planned community or travel while she is still mobile.  I see things getting worse for her if she refuses to move.

In getting some distance from her (we are LC) I have had an opportunity to do the math - I have health issues, my mom has historically ignored them and if she helps at all it's beyond last minute and she selects Dr's based on their religious affiliation.  I can't feel obligation to take care of the person who ignored my serious injuries - this has led to chronic conditions for me.  I do still get bouts of guilt but I'm almost out of the FOG.  Having a close relationship with my mother would be hazardous to my own health.

[Levi78]

I have health issues, my mom has historically ignored them and if she helps at all it's beyond last minute and she selects Dr's based on their religious affiliation.  I can't feel obligation to take care of the person who ignored my serious injuries - this has led to chronic conditions for me.

YIKES. I bet the religious twist on the BPD mom is horrible. I'm sorry you suffered physically from your mother's BPD. My damage manifested as anger problems and self destructive behavior.

I suppose this is the consequence of the "low contact" relationship. Mom thinks she deserves a fulltime daughter/servant/confidant. I think a distant, cordial relationship is more than generous and probably more than she deserves.

People have told me to just "let the past go." I know they mean well, but they didn't live my life. It's just not that easy.

[nomom4me]

Levi, your emotional health is important... . if your mom brings up anger or self-destructive behavior, all the more reasons to keep contact limited.

I could have written the same thing about entitlement to a fulltime servant/confidant.  My sister complains that my mom treats her like an employee (yet refuses to make/maintain boundaries) and I had to cut my mom off email because she uses my inbox as a cross between her diary and the petition box for prayer requests at her church.  The religious factor makes my mom particularly prone to moral superiority, and on some level... . magical thinking.  She is all about hopes and prayers, not at all about accountability or sustainability.  Oh, and "fresh starts".

I've heard that I'm living in the past too, no... . I'm looking at the past as an indication of her future behavior.  I don't see any indication that she is willing to change, she hates therapist and thus "boundaries" have become a dirty word in her home.  If I though my mom would change, we could have some goals for more frequent contact.  My boundaries are not going to vanish because "time heals all wounds".  Time doesn't make me stupid.

[Clearmind]

Cutting the call short is maintaining good boundaries.

What you may need to process is your guilt about not wanting to visit. How are you working with that?

[Levi78]

What you may need to process is your guilt about not wanting to visit. How are you working with that?

That's a good question. I don't have a solid answer. My husband is a godsend, we talk about this all the time. He's an old soul, sorta like my personal Buddha. He encourages me to be kind to her (like she's a disabled stranger) and just disengage when she gets nuts.

This strategy has has helped the day-to-day but, yes, there is still that stupid lingering guilt. Society puts mothers on a pedestal -- it's hard not to share the sentiment. I feel like a heel and totally justified at the same time.

[Clearmind]

Levi, that is a good way of seeing it.

For me it was not so much society it was my childhood that dictated that I must take care of Dad regardless of what was dished out.

Borderline parents take up a lot of space in a household - your needs as a child were likely to be down on the ladder. However, you are no longer a child you are an adult with adult privileges who has the gift of choice now.

To process guilt - do some research on faulty belief systems and find what yours are - begin to work with them in your day to day life - not just with your Mom - its also likely you take care of others before you. It takes time however you will begin to relinquish some of this childhood conditioning that your needs didn't matter.