My Husbands Borderline Personality Disorder And What It'S Done To My Son

[Depression = 72% of members]

Let me first start out by saying my husband has not "officially" been diagnosed, but let me tell you, the signs are all there. He has had a very traumatic childhood. Mother committed suicide when he was 3. He was shuffled around from house to house. Sometimes living with his aunt/uncle, sometimes living with his alcoholic father who wasn't sure if he was really his kid and made sure to tell him that sometimes. My husbands father was distant, emotionally unavailable.  Maybe my husband never felt wanted as a child. I'm really not sure. He never says. He says he father NEVER talked about his mother. He wasn't ever married to her. Now, for his father. Not the best role model. A drunk, impatient, mentally abusive type of person. I never liked him. Well, he end ups committing suicide 3 years ago. Shot himself in the head in his backyard. Why? We don't know. Didn't leave a note... .   nothing. So, here we have my husband who has two parents. Both committing suicide at different times. When his dad did it, it really pissed me off. How could he do that when he knew how much that hurt my husband when his mom did that and he went and let my husband go back and relive that pain again? Unbelievable.

Forward to my two sons. I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. My 10 year old is a sensitive, loud, fun-loving kid. He's not perfect. He's a bit quirky. That's what makes him who he is. Well, everything he does gets on my husbands nerves. My son can't eat, talk, drink, play, etc... .   etc... . right. Everything is criticized. My son asks everyday when I pick him up from school if daddy is home. He goes across the street to his grandmas and hangs out till daddy goes to work. He does everything to avoid daddy. He won't go downstairs in the morning if daddy is down there, unless I go with him. My son has started stuttering in school. He has a blinking tic he gets when he's nervous. I don't know if all of that is related, but it's tearing me to pieces. I don't have a job. I stay home to take care of the family.

My husband and I fight alot. I'm always defending my boys. My husband is so out of control most of the time. He just wants to yell and not find out whats going on when they argue or fight. He just dishes out punishments.

My husband is constantly saying... .   "Shhhhhhh... .   " In the car. In the house. Telling the boys to stop talking. Be quiet. Go in the other room. He put my ten year old in time out last night for being to loud for eating a sucker because he had a migraine and accused him of "crunching" on it and my son said " I wasn't!" and my husband said "don't back talk me!"

My son likes to eat ice. So what. My husband gives him crap for that. I'm not kidding.  Every noise bothers him.  But yet, my husband can't shut his own mouth for 3 minutes.  He talks and talks and talks.

My son will lose his appetite when daddy comes home. And my boy likes to eat.

My husband will use my sons to get to me. He will use them to hurt me. If I don't play his "games" they are used against me. Basically since I'm the housewife, if the bills are not paid, money put back for savings, dishes done, laundry done, he will use his "frustratration" as an excuse for his behaviour. He will say... . " I'm not TRYING to get mad, but when things that are supposed to be done around here aren't, I get frustrated.

You can't tell him why you're unhappy.  He'll give you 20 reasons why he's unhappy and everyone single one of them is your fault.  My kids and I are in therapy right now.  My oldest son, who is 10 hates when he's home from work.  He's always wanting to know if his daddy is "gone" yet.  My little son is 7 and he's very quiet.  I know it's affecting him as well.  He's just holding it in.

I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of my children being afraid to come home after school.  I'm tired of being told everyday I'm the reason why my husband is so frustrated and that's why he acts the way he does.  He clearly  justifies his behaviour.  I'm so done with him.  My kids and I feel so free when he's at work.  When he's home, we can't breathe.

He's also extremely narcissistic.  It's all about him. He plays a victim... . Wah Wah Wah.  Grown man acting like a baby. 

I'm not sure if there is any hope for him. He doesn't believe in medication. He's never seen a therapist even when his dad committed suicide. He's never talked about it. He just shoves it under the rug and goes on his merry way. Well, my son needs help. 10 year olds commit suicide all the time. I'm not gonna let him take my son because of HIS unhappiness.

[DramaEverything]

Let me first start out by saying my husband has not "officially" been diagnosed, but let me tell you, the signs are all there. He has had a very traumatic childhood. Mother committed suicide when he was 3. He was shuffled around from house to house. Sometimes living with his aunt/uncle, sometimes living with his alcoholic father who wasn't sure if he was really his kid and made sure to tell him that sometimes. My husbands father was distant, emotionally unavailable.  Maybe my husband never felt wanted as a child. I'm really not sure. He never says. He says he father NEVER talked about his mother. He wasn't ever married to her. Now, for his father. Not the best role model. A drunk, impatient, mentally abusive type of person. I never liked him. Well, he end ups committing suicide 3 years ago. Shot himself in the head in his backyard. Why? We don't know. Didn't leave a note... .   nothing. So, here we have my husband who has two parents. Both committing suicide at different times. When his dad did it, it really pissed me off. How could he do that when he knew how much that hurt my husband when his mom did that and he went and let my husband go back and relive that pain again? Unbelievable.

Forward to my two sons. I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. My 10 year old is a sensitive, loud, fun-loving kid. He's not perfect. He's a bit quirky. That's what makes him who he is. Well, everything he does gets on my husbands nerves. My son can't eat, talk, drink, play, etc... .   etc... . right. Everything is criticized. My son asks everyday when I pick him up from school if daddy is home. He goes across the street to his grandmas and hangs out till daddy goes to work. He does everything to avoid daddy. He won't go downstairs in the morning if daddy is down there, unless I go with him. My son has started stuttering in school. He has a blinking tic he gets when he's nervous. I don't know if all of that is related, but it's tearing me to pieces. I don't have a job. I stay home to take care of the family.

My husband and I fight alot. I'm always defending my boys. My husband is so out of control most of the time. He just wants to yell and not find out whats going on when they argue or fight. He just dishes out punishments.

My husband is constantly saying... .   "Shhhhhhh... .   " In the car. In the house. Telling the boys to stop talking. Be quiet. Go in the other room. He put my ten year old in time out last night for being to loud for eating a sucker because he had a migraine and accused him of "crunching" on it and my son said " I wasn't!" and my husband said "don't back talk me!"

My son likes to eat ice. So what. My husband gives him crap for that. I'm not kidding.  Every noise bothers him.  But yet, my husband can't shut his own mouth for 3 minutes.  He talks and talks and talks.

My son will lose his appetite when daddy comes home. And my boy likes to eat.

My husband will use my sons to get to me. He will use them to hurt me. If I don't play his "games" they are used against me. Basically since I'm the housewife, if the bills are not paid, money put back for savings, dishes done, laundry done, he will use his "frustratration" as an excuse for his behaviour. He will say... . " I'm not TRYING to get mad, but when things that are supposed to be done around here aren't, I get frustrated.

You can't tell him why you're unhappy.  He'll give you 20 reasons why he's unhappy and everyone single one of them is your fault.  My kids and I are in therapy right now.  My oldest son, who is 10 hates when he's home from work.  He's always wanting to know if his daddy is "gone" yet.  My little son is 7 and he's very quiet.  I know it's affecting him as well.  He's just holding it in.

I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of my children being afraid to come home after school.  I'm tired of being told everyday I'm the reason why my husband is so frustrated and that's why he acts the way he does.  He clearly  justifies his behaviour.  I'm so done with him.  My kids and I feel so free when he's at work.  When he's home, we can't breathe.

He's also extremely narcissistic.  It's all about him. He plays a victim... . Wah Wah Wah.  Grown man acting like a baby. 

I'm not sure if there is any hope for him. He doesn't believe in medication. He's never seen a therapist even when his dad committed suicide. He's never talked about it. He just shoves it under the rug and goes on his merry way. Well, my son needs help. 10 year olds commit suicide all the time. I'm not gonna let him take my son because of HIS unhappiness.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DramaEverything]

One more thing to add.  My oldest son has said numerous times he'd rather run away than live in this house.  This broken home.  He even said he wanted to go away from his body one night.

He told my husband the other night that he's only likes it when he (daddy) is not home.

Now, should I stay or should I go? 

[nickyg]

Let me first start out by saying my husband has not "officially" been diagnosed, but let me tell you, the signs are all there. He has had a very traumatic childhood. Mother committed suicide when he was 3. He was shuffled around from house to house. Sometimes living with his aunt/uncle, sometimes living with his alcoholic father who wasn't sure if he was really his kid and made sure to tell him that sometimes. My husbands father was distant, emotionally unavailable.  Maybe my husband never felt wanted as a child. I'm really not sure. He never says. He says he father NEVER talked about his mother. He wasn't ever married to her. Now, for his father. Not the best role model. A drunk, impatient, mentally abusive type of person. I never liked him. Well, he end ups committing suicide 3 years ago. Shot himself in the head in his backyard. Why? We don't know. Didn't leave a note... .   nothing. So, here we have my husband who has two parents. Both committing suicide at different times. When his dad did it, it really pissed me off. How could he do that when he knew how much that hurt my husband when his mom did that and he went and let my husband go back and relive that pain again? Unbelievable.

Forward to my two sons. I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. My 10 year old is a sensitive, loud, fun-loving kid. He's not perfect. He's a bit quirky. That's what makes him who he is. Well, everything he does gets on my husbands nerves. My son can't eat, talk, drink, play, etc... .   etc... . right. Everything is criticized. My son asks everyday when I pick him up from school if daddy is home. He goes across the street to his grandmas and hangs out till daddy goes to work. He does everything to avoid daddy. He won't go downstairs in the morning if daddy is down there, unless I go with him. My son has started stuttering in school. He has a blinking tic he gets when he's nervous. I don't know if all of that is related, but it's tearing me to pieces. I don't have a job. I stay home to take care of the family.

My husband and I fight alot. I'm always defending my boys. My husband is so out of control most of the time. He just wants to yell and not find out whats going on when they argue or fight. He just dishes out punishments.

My husband is constantly saying... .   "Shhhhhhh... .   " In the car. In the house. Telling the boys to stop talking. Be quiet. Go in the other room. He put my ten year old in time out last night for being to loud for eating a sucker because he had a migraine and accused him of "crunching" on it and my son said " I wasn't!" and my husband said "don't back talk me!"

My son likes to eat ice. So what. My husband gives him crap for that. I'm not kidding.  Every noise bothers him.  But yet, my husband can't shut his own mouth for 3 minutes.  He talks and talks and talks.

My son will lose his appetite when daddy comes home. And my boy likes to eat.

My husband will use my sons to get to me. He will use them to hurt me. If I don't play his "games" they are used against me. Basically since I'm the housewife, if the bills are not paid, money put back for savings, dishes done, laundry done, he will use his "frustratration" as an excuse for his behaviour. He will say... . " I'm not TRYING to get mad, but when things that are supposed to be done around here aren't, I get frustrated.

You can't tell him why you're unhappy.  He'll give you 20 reasons why he's unhappy and everyone single one of them is your fault.  My kids and I are in therapy right now.  My oldest son, who is 10 hates when he's home from work.  He's always wanting to know if his daddy is "gone" yet.  My little son is 7 and he's very quiet.  I know it's affecting him as well.  He's just holding it in.

I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of my children being afraid to come home after school.  I'm tired of being told everyday I'm the reason why my husband is so frustrated and that's why he acts the way he does.  He clearly  justifies his behaviour.  I'm so done with him.  My kids and I feel so free when he's at work.  When he's home, we can't breathe.

He's also extremely narcissistic.  It's all about him. He plays a victim... . Wah Wah Wah.  Grown man acting like a baby. 

I'm not sure if there is any hope for him. He doesn't believe in medication. He's never seen a therapist even when his dad committed suicide. He's never talked about it. He just shoves it under the rug and goes on his merry way. Well, my son needs help. 10 year olds commit suicide all the time. I'm not gonna let him take my son because of HIS unhappiness.

[nickyg]

Hi there,

I have a D who is undiagnosed but has most of the traits of BPD and I've been finding some comfort and support in reading posts.

I read your story and can completely see your dilemma.  What a difficult decision?  The reason I was quite moved by the story was that your husband sounds exactly like my father who never stopped criticising me as a child. I often used to be crying when Mum came home from work if she was working evenings.  My friends were scared of him as well so it was not a happy environment. I later grew up to have a lot of issues to work through which continue to plague me today although I have done a lot of counselling and therapy.  My brother 35 also developed mental illness, probably bipolar and sadly he disappeared at the start of this year in the middle of a psychotic episode.

Although you no doubt care about your husband and what he has been through it sounds like he is greatly affecting your children and they are unable to leave by virtue of being children.  He is an adult and he must find his own way through. 

[DramaEverything]

Hi there,

I have a D who is undiagnosed but has most of the traits of BPD and I've been finding some comfort and support in reading posts.

I read your story and can completely see your dilemma.  What a difficult decision?  The reason I was quite moved by the story was that your husband sounds exactly like my father who never stopped criticising me as a child. I often used to be crying when Mum came home from work if she was working evenings.  My friends were scared of him as well so it was not a happy environment. I later grew up to have a lot of issues to work through which continue to plague me today although I have done a lot of counselling and therapy.  My brother 35 also developed mental illness, probably bipolar and sadly he disappeared at the start of this year in the middle of a psychotic episode.

Although you no doubt care about your husband and what he has been through it sounds like he is greatly affecting your children and they are unable to leave by virtue of being children.  He is an adult and he must find his own way through. 

Thank you for your response.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  It's hell on the kids and as you know, as an adult, it still left damage.  I'm also sorry to hear about your brother.  Wow... .  isn't it scary to think this could be inherited to a degree?  Especially with my H parents both committing suicide and then with him not mentally well. He is undiagnosed like your D, but I see all the symptoms.  I'm sure we'll find all the support we need here.  Seems like a good place to start. 

[Kwamina]

One more thing to add.  My oldest son has said numerous times he'd rather run away than live in this house.  This broken home.  He even said he wanted to go away from his body one night.

He told my husband the other night that he's only likes it when he (daddy) is not home.

Now, should I stay or should I go? 

Hi DramaEverything!

Very sorry to hear the things you and your sons are going through with your husband. As a son of an uBPD mother I can relate to a lot of the things you're talking about. I fully understand why your son doesn’t wanna be there. Looking back if I had the choice, I would have chosen not to live with my mother because her behavior was extremely damaging and this still affects me to this day. If your husband is completely unwilling to admit his problems and work on them, my advice would be to go. The hurt I felt as a child was too much to bear and as a result I slid into depression and suffered from anxiety. What would have helped me was someone telling me that my mother was wrong. You can be that positive influence for your sons, things will still be difficult but it will really help them to hear that there’s nothing wrong with them.

[Rockylove]

   You're in a very tough spot and I don't envy your position.  I'm no expert and I don't ever feel comfortable telling someone to break up their family, but some times the need for peace and stability warrants separation.  I noticed that in much of your post you referred to the children as 'your' children ("I have", "my son", etc)  Are they your children and he is their step father?  I'm sorry, I don't know your history, but I know the feeling of being the mamma bear protecting the cubs... .  been there!

It almost sounds like your husband is re-creating HIS childhood for your son.  Perhaps he sees himself in your 10 year old.  I know it's twisted for someone to want to put someone else in the same horrible situation they experienced, but when dealing with someone who is mentally ill, the possibility exists~~misery loves company. 

It's good to hear that you and the kids are in therapy.  Perhaps that will help them with their feelings and refresh your inner strength and help you in making a decision for your future with your husband. 

[WalrusGumboot]

One more thing to add.  My oldest son has said numerous times he'd rather run away than live in this house.  This broken home.  He even said he wanted to go away from his body one night.

Your story is heartbreaking, and this statement really got to me. I, like you, have two sons. They are 27 and 22 now.

The older one DID run away from home when he was 13 because of his uBPDm. He couldn't bear her any longer. Try as I did, I could not continue to keep fixing things between them. We found him and eventually decided to let him live with his grandparents (my side). This "betrayal" by him caused his uBPDm to disown him for 7 years along with the rest of my family, and she expected me to do the same.

The younger stayed and has a host of issues today. After the older left, she smothered him so badly he had barely enough room to breathe.

What you are experiencing today is just a prelude to a worse situation later as the boys start hitting puberty and start claiming independence. Since you are posting in Staying, I assume you are going to try to tough it out, so please stay in therapy. Especially the boys.

Good luck.

[Mara2]

I, like you, am married to a man with a traumatic childhood and even into his young adult years.  He has good reason to have problems.  He is diagnosed BPD and PTSD, has medical problems that keep him on disability.  We have 4 children and have been married 16 years.  I do not work.

For years we all just hunkered down during the "storms" and waited for them to pass.  In the last few years the storms got closer together and lasted longer.  When my son, the oldest, hit puberty then H became physical with him.  Enough was enough and I left. 

That being said, I wish I had left much sooner.  My son has a very bitter heart and has no desire for a relationship with his father.  There is a lot of damage there.  I thought that having an intact family would be better than breaking it apart, but I was wrong.

After I left when H hit my son we ended up coming back and trying to make a go of it.  H tried really hard, but he would not stay in therapy and blamed everything and everyone.  Finally I had to have him arrested for domestic violence and he is no longer in the home.

He is in therapy twice a week now and on antidepressants.  He wants to come home and tells me he has changed, but I told him he has to live it, not just tell it to me.  I will not put myself or my children through that again.  If he wants to repair the family, he will have to show us that he is changing. 

It sounds to me like your H is not taking responsibility for his actions.  We will often excuse that because of what the pwBPD has gone through.  My T told me that there is no excuse for bad behavior (domestic violence). 

Until there are consequences to his behavior, your H will have no motivation to change.  I would encourage you to work on your boundries- there are good lessons and many good people here who can help with that.  Then enforce them.  If you are afraid your H will be in any way abusive- you can leave.  Always have a "bug-out bag" for you and the kids.  Find a safe place to go and be prepared to go if you need to. 

You are the only one in a position to help your kids.  I let it go too long, but my kids are happy where we are now. 

Wishing you the best. 

[Cloudy Days]

Well, you always hear the saying. It's better to have a broken home with one good and loving parent rather than stay in an abusive relationship and scar your children for the rest of their life. It really sounds like your children are suffering and you are the only one that can help them. I can't say that I don't fear my husband, but I am making a choice to stay where I am. Your children don't have that choice, they stay where they are told to stay.

I know that growing up in a house hold like that will make them mimic their father's behavior in the future. My husband and his brother grew up with a borderline father, their father killed himself when they were both teens. They are both now diagnosed with BPD. My husband's mother has a lot of regrets, but not protecting her children is her biggest regret. My husband absolutly hated his father, he was very emotionally abusive. His mother says he acts exactly like him now.

[Rainyren]

your story touched me in exactly the right spot.  My uBPDbf is out of control. We have an 11month old son and i am so scared of how this will affect him. I can see when he yells and bang doors etc etc how my baby looks at him. He stops what he is doing and just stares... .    I want to help my BF but my son is number one.  This morning when i got home from work, ( night shift) at 8, the baby was screaming and really crying and he was changing his diaper in the room, when he heard me walk in the appartment he shut the bedroom door? so naturally i walked in and starting talking to my baby and comforting him, and he was btching :baby ~ all over himself woke up 3 times tonight im tired appartment is messy etc etc looking to pick a fight with me. I ignored him and took over.  But he did bang everything mutering to himself . Once the baby was happy again i went to sleep, but i couldnt help but wonder, why was my little one so upset and why did he shut the door?  why was i so afraid to ask him why he shut the door?  Should i be afraid to leave him with the baby? Will he become the target if Im not around?

I think you sharing how it affected your boys confirmed my choice of leaving him.  I wish i could give you a hug and cry on your shoulder and say thank you.