Hard to get an honest perspective

[tcevans78]

I have no idea if this is posted on the right board.  

My BPDx moved out 2 yrs ago.  We have remained best friends and we co-parent our 2 1/2 yr old son.  Nearly a year ago I moved to another city to put distance between us.  Our interactions weren't always awesome, imagine that.  Since I've moved away I've been working on my own stuff and it isn't all that fun realizing all my crappy faults.  So, one crappy fault is that I've been very slowly noticing I have mood swings.  I think it's pretty much just the week before I menstruate I turn into chicken little.  Every little drop of rain sends me into a mellow-dramatic meltdown about how the sky is falling; everything is soo terrible.  I'm sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, afraid, so on and so forth.  I also take it out on the people around me.  

I called my x to run this by him - to ask him if he thought I had mood swings.  He said, "that is our problem.  I am really sensitive and you are hot/cold.  You are so sweet and loving, then you are angry and cold.  It hurts me so much I can't handle it." Suddenly, all these memories flooded me of times I was so angry -with him and prior SO's- and I believed him.  I cried from such a deep, deep place.  

Really?  Am I the person who is the problem in this relationship?  I don't know what to do with this info.  I looked up mood swings and read that it could be adhd which I've seriously considered in the past (I am confident it isn't bipolar).  I think it could be managed by doing what I've started this month and last - marking my calendar for when I expect chicken little to appear.  

I'm so sad.  I love my x so dearly and the worst part of all this is that it has renewed my hope my relationship w my x could be repaired! If only I can get my mood swings in check we can be happy together.  This has now made me feel sick to my stomach.  Really?  I can't believe I would even think this way.  Now, I'm just exhausted.  Sad.  And have no idea what to do next.  It has made my confidence in my new relationship waver because the convo sort of renewed my bond w my x.  (I'm hoping it just fades)I have no money for therapy and have not been doing the creative wellness practice I invested in- although it is such a beautiful practice (what's the matter with me?).  I have tools I do not use.  Why am I stuck in such a helpless slump?  Why is my progress steady - but so doggone slow?  It hurts.  

I have a loot of stress in my life.  I am not earning much and am lacking the confidence (I once had) to go out and get a real job.  I don't believe I can earn enough.  It's like I'm so tired from it all I have no strength.  So, my life is not yet stable/secure, and I am sure this contributes to my outbursts.  I am going to track my moods, and keep working towards my goals to stability.  I may start journaling.  I am going to contact the counseling service through my employer's benefit program.  But right now I just feel like a big stinking pile of ... .  

Who am I?  I did not see this coming.    

[Whatwasthat]

Hi tcevans

I'm so sorry it's such an uncertain time right now.

But I just wanted to say something which I'm sure you know already really - but might need to have reinforced. It certainly sounds like you might suffer from PMT. But millions and millions of women have Pre Menstrual Tension - and millions and millions of men are in marriages with them and together they learn how to navigate the issue.

If someone suffers from a PD they seem to find it very hard indeed to accomodate any 'imperfection' in their partners. From what I understand that's because they can't appreciate that we're all made up of strengths and weaknesses - good points and not-so-good points - and that instead they think that someone is either 'all good' or 'all bad'. I suppose with this perspective any 'fault' in a partner would seem like the end of the world - as it would indicate terminal awfulness and incompatibility. But who of us is without faults? It would be madness to try to be perfect in order to overcome this problem.

So what I'm trying to say - in a long winded way - is that simply suffering from PMT should not cause the downfall of a relationship. It would cause issues that have to be worked through - but no more I imagine than a thousand and one other types of behaviour and personal idosyncracy that have to be accomodated in a marriage.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[maria1]

Hey TCEvans

Sorry you are feeling bad.

Everything Whatwasthat says and... .   can I just ask you this-

Does your ex have an attachment disorder? A disorder that stops him being able to be intimate, that causes him to run as soon as things get close/ good between you?

[P.F.Change]

I called my x to run this by him - to ask him if he thought I had mood swings.  He said, "that is our problem.  I am really sensitive and you are hot/cold.

Be careful asking the blind whether that color looks good on you.

PMS is very common. Most women are irritable and moody before their cycle begins. PMDD is not as common but still happens to many women. These are both conditions that can be discussed with your doctor. You can also learn to take extra care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you can better manage your moods during these times.

Using your objective mind, do you think your once-a-month mood fluctuations are the cause of your breakup? Or were there other factors at play? Do you think your ex is able to look at the situation realistically and take responsibility for his part? What about you--are you taking responsibility for only your part while leaving other people's responsibilities for them to claim, or are you taking it all on yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Mara2]

I'm so glad you are here. This is a good place to come for some perspective. 

I will echo what everyone has said already- it sounds by what you wrote that you have PMS or something like it.  We all have our issues to deal with, but that does not mean that only one person is responsible for the breakup of a relationship. 

First- deep breathing.  Then see if you can get out to take a walk, get a little excersise.  When you feel least like it is when you need it most.  Do something good for yourself and remind yourself you are worth it. 

I found that asking my BPDh for perspective on me was like throwing meat to a hungry lion.  He was more than eager to share what was wrong with me.  I learned pretty quick to stop asking.  

Do you have insurance through your work?  Many now include mental health in their plan.  You should see if you can get some counseling covered by insurance.  I'm in the same spot as you- no money.  I got 12 sessions covered by insurance.  Perhaps not the best, but it was a start. 

Wishing you the best

[seeking balance]

I called my x to run this by him - to ask him if he thought I had mood swings.  He said, "that is our problem.  I am really sensitive and you are hot/cold.

Be careful asking the blind whether that color looks good on you.

PMS is very common. Most women are irritable and moody before their cycle begins. PMDD is not as common but still happens to many women. These are both conditions that can be discussed with your doctor. You can also learn to take extra care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you can better manage your moods during these times.

Using your objective mind, do you think your once-a-month mood fluctuations are the cause of your breakup? Or were there other factors at play? Do you think your ex is able to look at the situation realistically and take responsibility for his part? What about you--are you taking responsibility for only your part while leaving other people's responsibilities for them to claim, or are you taking it all on yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

DITTO

Nothing to add on this other than to share one of my "core" issues is not being good enough... .   it stems from FOO blaming me rather than accepting their part of the problems - knowing this and healing this has helped me recover and live in my wise/balanced mind more often.

[tcevans78]

When I say x I'm referring to my BPDx.  Which I suppose may be asking a blind man.  I really didn't know this could even be considered normal Pms even.  I don't have healthcare, and other than to have my baby have really never been to a dr.  I am def going to read more about this. I hate feeling likes ruin my life every cpl weeks. Then the resulting sadness lingers and affects my self esteem because I'm embarrassed by my behavior.  

Today I realized there is no choice but to start addressing and tackling my fears head on.  If I don't  they remain unchecked and left to wreak havoc in my life- and I never even know what's causing the havoc.  I'm realizing its my unaddressed fears pinging around like pinballs in my life.  Time to be more brave.

[P.F.Change]

This is a great place to get support in working out our own issues. Therapy would be another, probably even more important if you have access to it. MoodGym can be useful also if you don't.

What specific fears would you like to address?

PF

[tcevans78]

I am calling my Employee Assistance Program for a therapy consult tomorrow. I think I get something like 15 free sessions or something (if it's that many I'll be thrilled!).  I hadn't heard of mood gym, but started it this past weekend.  How cool is that site?  I'll be tracking my moods as well and starting up my workout program and arts program again tomorrow morning.  I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter if I stick w/these things, but matters most that I pick them up again once they're dropped and hopefully do them for a longer stretch w each attempt.     

After this posting I realized my fear was hurting my BPDx's feelings.  I've been so afraid to become intimate with new guy because of fear of hurting my x.   :'(  It's like a seed had planted roots that had tapped so deeply in my heart I didn't know they still lived there.  My need to protect him and his delicate, beautiful heart from pain.  

Ultimately, it's my heart I have to look after and since this realization have been better able to connect with my new guy.  My x and I also made more appropriate financial arrangements that push me to get on my own two feet, in a very scary, yet positive way.  

I, like many people here, was so independent, life felt so easy before my x.  Now every little thing is so difficult, and so painful.  Fear seizes me at every turn.  I feel so incompetent sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going.  In the past yr or so I've realized I"m probably pretty ADHD as well, so maybe once I've looked into that, got a healthy boundary w/ownership of my BPDx's feelings, am on my feet financially, and more fully invested in my favorite hobbies again, I'll be primed and ready for full intimacy.  

I'm looking forward to the day life is settled and easy again.  And my confidence and peace of mind are restored.    

Maybe this is my crappy to happy map.  I'll have to x-post some of this.  

[P.F.Change]

I am calling my Employee Assistance Program for a therapy consult tomorrow. I think I get something like 15 free sessions or something (if it's that many I'll be thrilled!).  I hadn't heard of mood gym, but started it this past weekend.

... .  

After this posting I realized my fear was hurting my BPDx's feelings. ... .   Ultimately, it's my heart I have to look after... .  

   

Sounds like you're doing some good work.

PF

[livednlearned]

Hi tcevans,

I can relate to this. Not the mood swings, but the throwing meat to lions part, plus getting to a point where I could finally see my jerk self clearly. Not that you're a jerk, but well. You know what I mean 

In my BPD marriage, I defended my stuff pretty fiercely (inside, of course, never directly with N/BPDx) against his criticisms. But his comments also bore a giant hole of guilt and fear straight through me. They undermined my confidence so much and I'm still duking it out with those comments in my current new relationship.

In my BPD marriage, prior to the psychotic/manic stuff, ex would say I was "self-absorbed." I was taking care of our young preschooler when N/BPDx started saying this, and was in a full-time grad school program, and was working 30 hrs, so I felt like I was anything but self-absorbed. At the time, I felt like I was serving a hundred masters, including N/BPDx, who was a bottomless sponge of need for praise. Self-absorbed not.

It wasn't until I was out of the marriage about 18 months when I realized that "self-absorbed" part was accurate. But called by a different name -- self absorbed is a lot like detached. Or disassociative. Or not good at being intimate. Self-absorbed was one way to say that I was cold and aloof. Even though I thought I was pouring 110% of myself into N/BPDx, looking back I realize that he was totally right. I didn't know how to connect with him emotionally. I did acts of kindness, but I really wasn't there emotionally. I felt emotional, but didn't know how to be emotional with him.

But even though he was right, I was right too. Just because I was not emotionally available does not mean his issues were insignificant.

You and your x both had issues, not just him. You're just seeing the part that was you now, which doesn't cancel out the part that was him.

Relationships don't work because of two people, not just one.