My own collection of red flags (will likely be long)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Next month will be a year of NC with my BPD exgf. We did not have a long relationship (7 months), but we fell for each other pretty quickly and it became quite the rollercoaster ride.

All of the archetypal red flags were there, and then some. I'm mainly writing this for my own inventory, though any feedback or comments are welcome. Sorry for what will likely be a lengthy post!

- Initial impression of a smart, cheery, bubbly, introspective woman with a passion for music and spirituality

- Very quick to become intimate (though not necessarily jump in bed)

- Hot and cold communication. I could get answers back immediately, or it could be a day or two.

- Volatile family history. Older brother and sister "left" the family and were in NC with them. It was just her and her mother, who did not have a job. Exgf basically supported her. (Though was in the process of moving into her own place when we met)

- Had a hunch that she had problems reading intent (this is tough to explain); almost as if she had very mild aspergers

- Told me about two incidents of sexual abuse/assault; one from a family member (her stepfather at the time) when she was in her early teens, the other was a few years back in college

- After telling me about the family member sexually abusing her, she commented "I'm sorry I'm broken"

- Claimed she had never had a one night stand

- Claimed her longest relationship had been 9 months but it was "on and off", not to mention a few hours away; most relationships lasted 3 months

- Had a LOT of relationships in the 6 year period that she had been sexually active

- Kept in contact with quite a few of her exes. Would get occasional texts or emails from them. Made comments like "Oh, that was so-and-so my ex. Don't worry, we haven't slept together in two years but we were still hanging out and making out sometimes. I just texted him that I'm seeing somebody now so that he can leave me alone"

- Had one best guy friend who had his own bevy of issues (worked a menial job despite being VERY smart, was a complete alcoholic and had depression issues, had some ridiculous tattoos that were done in poor judgement - such as exgf's name, lived with his grandparents, didn't have a driver's license, etc - also a self-professed pathological liar).

- Had one close female friend who seemed very normal and serious about her life. I enjoyed her company a lot, along with her fiancee. Great people. They did not see each other very much and mostly corresponded online.

- Was obsessed with cleaning her apartment constantly

- Always had errands to run

- Remarked that she "preferred to be alone" and was not used to having a serious boyfriend who was there regularly.

- Seemed to have some issues with "hoarding" food - I can't prove that, though.

- Mentioned that she tried bulimia when she was younger

- Seemed to reinvent herself (clothes, hair color, taste in music, movies, etc) every couple of years. I noticed this in pictures. Also, her unique name lends itself to many variations/nicknames. She seemed to use a different variation every few years.

- We met at an underground rock/heavy metal concert. She was there with a female friend of hers that I never saw for the duration of the relationship along with that friend's boyfriend (?). Her and her female friend began to make out at one point.

- Had piercings in her nose and tongue, along with three others in more "intimate" areas. (I actually enjoyed these, but I've seen people refer to them as a red flag)

- Often talked about wanting breast implants. I *believe* she once made a comment that she'd "go crazy" with plastic surgery if she had the money. She was very attractive, but she had been heavier a few years prior.

- At one point had 9 cats when she was a teenager. She once referred to them as "her best friends" at the time (that broke my heart to hear). When we dated, she had 3 cats. (This is more tongue in cheek, but she did jokingly refer to herself as a "crazy cat lady"

- When she lived with her mother, they lived in the absolute ghetto of a very bad town/small city.

- I mentioned to her how my one ex just sat around for a year, not working, and smoking a TON of pot all day. This was a huge turnoff for me. She mentioned that while she would smoke pot recreationally, such as at a party (and I've certainly partaken in this as well), she was hardly a pothead. Imagine my surprise when she brought out her bowl and took a few hits from it while we were watching a concert DVD once. Her comment, while grinning: ":)on't judge me!"

- She mentioned having a bad sense of smell. I asked, jokingly, if this was from all the coke she did. Imagine my surprise when she said "eh, I've only done that a handful of times." Also, when I asked her if she'd like to do something special for her 30th birthday in a few years - she had just turned 25 and I had just turned 30 a few months prior - she mentioned, with a huge grin on her face "A LOT of coke!"

- This story seemed to change as she once referred to a time in college as her "coke days". She also talked about going with a friend to buy coke from a sketchy drug house in her town.

- Had an absolute OBSESSION with liars. Said she hated liars and lying. Went as far as to tell me about her (longest term, of 9 months) exbf who was once on the phone with her and mentioned making a sandwich. She later asked about the sandwich and he claimed that he never made one. She accused him of lying and backpedalling - she got VISIBLY angry as she told me this story. Lying seemed to be a very serious, black and white issue for her. Also mentioned that her dad would severely punish (hit) her and her siblings if he ever caught them lying.

- Talked about how, at 18, she decided she wanted a boyfriend and to lose her virginity. She had an obsession with Asian culture at the time, so she put out an online personal specifically looking for an Asian man. He was 10 years older. She told me, quite plainly, how he showed up at her apartment (he lived far away) with flowers and how they immediately went to a hotel and had sex. Mentioned that he was controlling and abusive for the duration of their "relationship." (I only made reference to her boyfriend being Asian to show how obsessed she got with certain things, not implying that there was anything wrong with his nationality)

- In the middle of making out once, she bit my neck very hard (practically drawing blood) and left a noticeable mark. She said in a "seductive" (more like scary!) voice... .   "now you're mine!".

- Would absolutely become ENRAGED if something upset her - even trivial things. When she did become enraged, her entire demeanor and vocabulary changed. She'd go for the jugular. Hit below the belt. Whatever it took. It was as intense as it was scary.

- Mentioned that she used to have seizures when she was little.

- Had a stepmother (on account of her father remarrying) and became very close to her two step sisters (half sisters). At one point, the stepmother forbade them from seeing her anymore and this made her very upset. I got a sort of explanation for it, but looking back, who knows what it really was. 

- She admitted to having an EMOTIONAL affair of 2-2.5 years with her step-uncle (her aforementioned stepmother's brother). He was also the one who apparently introduced her to some of the more obscure music that we were both such mutual fans of. Mirroring? Possibly. After telling me about their emotional affair, we went to bed and as we were laying there, she says in a very flat, almost sinister voice: "never cheat on me"

- Had a large bag of condoms/lube at the foot of her bed. Nothing wrong with this, per se, it was just weird. She was on the pill so we never used them. But still.

- COULD NOT HANDLE STRESS. PERIOD. She was working as an accountant and finishing her masters degree. Tax season, along with the last semester of her grad program both began in January. This involved one or two weekday classes and a weekend class; not to mention her work, which she'd often stay at until midnight or beyond. During this time, she tried breaking up with me a few times because she was "being a horrible girlfriend" and "not being invested in the relationship".

- Odd perfectionistic characteristics. She was once tasked with making a fruit salad for brunch at her office (as they'd work Saturdays during tax season). This practically drove her mad. She had a very elaborate idea, involving a carved-out watermelon bowl and other aspects of a nice presentation. I helped her with this and we literally finished it in the last minute (minutes before she was supposed to go to work). She nearly went crazy doing it. I later got an email from her about what a "disaster" it was because nobody was touching it. Turns out that everyone thought it was so amazing that they were afraid to touch it. She got huge props from her entire office. At the expense of her sanity. Oops.

- She found some "pictures" of herself on an old digital camera at her mom's house. She showed them to her mom and they both started laughing. Then they started going through them on the computer, but blocking the screen so that I couldn't see. When I finally stood up and made a joke about them being "porn pics", she showed me. Sure enough, they were of her as naked as can be. She claimed they were taken so that she could better evaluate her body (she was big into exercise and eating well for the most part). Not so shocking, until she told me that it was her MOM that she had take these pictures of her (and her mom laughed and confirmed it).

- Would often walk around her mom's house topless when we went to visit. Also mentioned that her mom used to walk around naked all the time. (I chalked this up to them being "free spirits"

And this is what I was able to list in the past 20 minutes or so of typing. Just skimming through it looks like something was clearly "off" about her. Yet I'm constantly amazed at how easily I was able to rationalize everything at the time.

I share all of this in hopes that someone else can possibly relate, and to show myself that I'm not crazy.

I'll eventually follow this up with a post about some of the more bizarre fights and silent treatment incidents that we got into.

[lhd981]

Next month will be a year of NC with my BPD exgf. We did not have a long relationship (7 months), but we fell for each other pretty quickly and it became quite the rollercoaster ride.

All of the archetypal red flags were there, and then some. I'm mainly writing this for my own inventory, though any feedback or comments are welcome. Sorry for what will likely be a lengthy post!

- Initial impression of a smart, cheery, bubbly, introspective woman with a passion for music and spirituality

- Very quick to become intimate (though not necessarily jump in bed)

- Hot and cold communication. I could get answers back immediately, or it could be a day or two.

- Volatile family history. Older brother and sister "left" the family and were in NC with them. It was just her and her mother, who did not have a job. Exgf basically supported her. (Though was in the process of moving into her own place when we met)

- Had a hunch that she had problems reading intent (this is tough to explain); almost as if she had very mild aspergers

- Told me about two incidents of sexual abuse/assault; one from a family member (her stepfather at the time) when she was in her early teens, the other was a few years back in college

- After telling me about the family member sexually abusing her, she commented "I'm sorry I'm broken"

- Claimed she had never had a one night stand

- Claimed her longest relationship had been 9 months but it was "on and off", not to mention a few hours away; most relationships lasted 3 months

- Had a LOT of relationships in the 6 year period that she had been sexually active

- Kept in contact with quite a few of her exes. Would get occasional texts or emails from them. Made comments like "Oh, that was so-and-so my ex. Don't worry, we haven't slept together in two years but we were still hanging out and making out sometimes. I just texted him that I'm seeing somebody now so that he can leave me alone"

- Had one best guy friend who had his own bevy of issues (worked a menial job despite being VERY smart, was a complete alcoholic and had depression issues, had some ridiculous tattoos that were done in poor judgement - such as exgf's name, lived with his grandparents, didn't have a driver's license, etc - also a self-professed pathological liar).

- Had one close female friend who seemed very normal and serious about her life. I enjoyed her company a lot, along with her fiancee. Great people. They did not see each other very much and mostly corresponded online.

- Was obsessed with cleaning her apartment constantly

- Always had errands to run

- Remarked that she "preferred to be alone" and was not used to having a serious boyfriend who was there regularly.

- Seemed to have some issues with "hoarding" food - I can't prove that, though.

- Mentioned that she tried bulimia when she was younger

- Seemed to reinvent herself (clothes, hair color, taste in music, movies, etc) every couple of years. I noticed this in pictures. Also, her unique name lends itself to many variations/nicknames. She seemed to use a different variation every few years.

- We met at an underground rock/heavy metal concert. She was there with a female friend of hers that I never saw for the duration of the relationship along with that friend's boyfriend (?). Her and her female friend began to make out at one point.

- Had piercings in her nose and tongue, along with three others in more "intimate" areas. (I actually enjoyed these, but I've seen people refer to them as a red flag)

- Often talked about wanting breast implants. I *believe* she once made a comment that she'd "go crazy" with plastic surgery if she had the money. She was very attractive, but she had been heavier a few years prior.

- At one point had 9 cats when she was a teenager. She once referred to them as "her best friends" at the time (that broke my heart to hear). When we dated, she had 3 cats. (This is more tongue in cheek, but she did jokingly refer to herself as a "crazy cat lady"

- When she lived with her mother, they lived in the absolute ghetto of a very bad town/small city.

- I mentioned to her how my one ex just sat around for a year, not working, and smoking a TON of pot all day. This was a huge turnoff for me. She mentioned that while she would smoke pot recreationally, such as at a party (and I've certainly partaken in this as well), she was hardly a pothead. Imagine my surprise when she brought out her bowl and took a few hits from it while we were watching a concert DVD once. Her comment, while grinning: ":)on't judge me!"

- She mentioned having a bad sense of smell. I asked, jokingly, if this was from all the coke she did. Imagine my surprise when she said "eh, I've only done that a handful of times." Also, when I asked her if she'd like to do something special for her 30th birthday in a few years - she had just turned 25 and I had just turned 30 a few months prior - she mentioned, with a huge grin on her face "A LOT of coke!"

- This story seemed to change as she once referred to a time in college as her "coke days". She also talked about going with a friend to buy coke from a sketchy drug house in her town.

- Had an absolute OBSESSION with liars. Said she hated liars and lying. Went as far as to tell me about her (longest term, of 9 months) exbf who was once on the phone with her and mentioned making a sandwich. She later asked about the sandwich and he claimed that he never made one. She accused him of lying and backpedalling - she got VISIBLY angry as she told me this story. Lying seemed to be a very serious, black and white issue for her. Also mentioned that her dad would severely punish (hit) her and her siblings if he ever caught them lying.

- Talked about how, at 18, she decided she wanted a boyfriend and to lose her virginity. She had an obsession with Asian culture at the time, so she put out an online personal specifically looking for an Asian man. He was 10 years older. She told me, quite plainly, how he showed up at her apartment (he lived far away) with flowers and how they immediately went to a hotel and had sex. Mentioned that he was controlling and abusive for the duration of their "relationship." (I only made reference to her boyfriend being Asian to show how obsessed she got with certain things, not implying that there was anything wrong with his nationality)

- In the middle of making out once, she bit my neck very hard (practically drawing blood) and left a noticeable mark. She said in a "seductive" (more like scary!) voice... .   "now you're mine!".

- Would absolutely become ENRAGED if something upset her - even trivial things. When she did become enraged, her entire demeanor and vocabulary changed. She'd go for the jugular. Hit below the belt. Whatever it took. It was as intense as it was scary.

- Mentioned that she used to have seizures when she was little.

- Had a stepmother (on account of her father remarrying) and became very close to her two step sisters (half sisters). At one point, the stepmother forbade them from seeing her anymore and this made her very upset. I got a sort of explanation for it, but looking back, who knows what it really was. 

- She admitted to having an EMOTIONAL affair of 2-2.5 years with her step-uncle (her aforementioned stepmother's brother). He was also the one who apparently introduced her to some of the more obscure music that we were both such mutual fans of. Mirroring? Possibly. After telling me about their emotional affair, we went to bed and as we were laying there, she says in a very flat, almost sinister voice: "never cheat on me"

- Had a large bag of condoms/lube at the foot of her bed. Nothing wrong with this, per se, it was just weird. She was on the pill so we never used them. But still.

- COULD NOT HANDLE STRESS. PERIOD. She was working as an accountant and finishing her masters degree. Tax season, along with the last semester of her grad program both began in January. This involved one or two weekday classes and a weekend class; not to mention her work, which she'd often stay at until midnight or beyond. During this time, she tried breaking up with me a few times because she was "being a horrible girlfriend" and "not being invested in the relationship".

- Odd perfectionistic characteristics. She was once tasked with making a fruit salad for brunch at her office (as they'd work Saturdays during tax season). This practically drove her mad. She had a very elaborate idea, involving a carved-out watermelon bowl and other aspects of a nice presentation. I helped her with this and we literally finished it in the last minute (minutes before she was supposed to go to work). She nearly went crazy doing it. I later got an email from her about what a "disaster" it was because nobody was touching it. Turns out that everyone thought it was so amazing that they were afraid to touch it. She got huge props from her entire office. At the expense of her sanity. Oops.

- She found some "pictures" of herself on an old digital camera at her mom's house. She showed them to her mom and they both started laughing. Then they started going through them on the computer, but blocking the screen so that I couldn't see. When I finally stood up and made a joke about them being "porn pics", she showed me. Sure enough, they were of her as naked as can be. She claimed they were taken so that she could better evaluate her body (she was big into exercise and eating well for the most part). Not so shocking, until she told me that it was her MOM that she had take these pictures of her (and her mom laughed and confirmed it).

- Would often walk around her mom's house topless when we went to visit. Also mentioned that her mom used to walk around naked all the time. (I chalked this up to them being "free spirits"

And this is what I was able to list in the past 20 minutes or so of typing. Just skimming through it looks like something was clearly "off" about her. Yet I'm constantly amazed at how easily I was able to rationalize everything at the time.

I share all of this in hopes that someone else can possibly relate, and to show myself that I'm not crazy.

I'll eventually follow this up with a post about some of the more bizarre fights and silent treatment incidents that we got into.

[motherof1yearold]

That was a well thought out list!

I noticed all through out that atleast 5 or 6 of the bullet points were claiming sexual abuse, seizures, etc. I think because of her BPD I would take this with a grain of salt, it is a way to gain sympathy and blame her bad behaviors on some horrible events in her life that may have never occurred . I hate to say that,but I think that is the case here

[Hurt llama]

I'm sure we can all relate to a lot on your list.

where are you with all of the grieving process?

[Clearmind]

Wow lhd981, I made a list similar a long time ago now. Any ideas why you stayed in this relationship despite the red flags? That's a pretty long list of red flags.

[lhd981]

motherof1yearold:

You're not the first person to say this, actually! It's funny. In my group of friends, I'm known as the eminent skeptic. I'm the one my friends come to when they want to negotiate a deal on a new car, as I'll call out the dealer on their BS. Same with mortgages and other business transactions. It really is such bitter irony that when it comes to relationships, I completely let my guard down and take everything purely at face value.

When she told me about the sexual abuse in college, for example, she mentioned being alone, drinking with her friend's boyfriend in a room, when he suddenly came onto her and they started making out. She said that she was raped afterwards - and let me be clear, I take this type of disturbing allegation very, very seriously, so I'd never be one to question it - but even my therapist told me that I shouldn't take what she told me at face value for the reason you mentioned.

She appealed to several of my senses: my hardcore inner romantic, my sympathetic caretaker/white night, and my tenacious driven businessman sides. The romantic set forth the narrative and framed everything in a positive light, the white night took her seriously and vowed to protect her, and the businessman was DETERMINED not to mess up or otherwise abandon her like everyone else seemed to have done.


Hurt llama:

I have not spoken to or heard from her in any capacity since May 27th of 2012. My initial reaction was one of elation, if not a misplaced happiness - as even I could see at that time that there were a LOT of things wrong with the relationship. That summer I went out and bought an over-the-top new sports car (cars and music are pretty much my biggest hobbies) and enjoyed it in good health. But as the summer days drew to a close, I began to reflect back on my relationship with her and see her as this sweet, innocent girl who had been harmed, taken advantage of and brought into the world as part of a completely messed up, dysfunctional family. My inner romantic was going into overdrive. I felt that I could have done more for her. That I SHOULD have done more for her. Suddenly the new car began to lose its luster, I became distant from the new woman that I had gone on a couple of dates with at the time (this is about 6 months after the breakup, when I decided to try dating again), despite us getting along pretty well. My appetite began to wane and I began having random panic attacks and lots of trouble sleeping. This lasted for a while, until the new year. It's only been in the past two months that I was able to let it go. But recently, I began discussing her with a friend for some reason and went to show him her picture via facebook (we are not friends, but I looked up her profile) - I made the mistake of actually looking at the profile picture and a whole maelstrom of feelings came to the surface. The panic attacks started, as did the restless nights. It was immediately thereafter that I began reading this site and it helped immensely. I signed up and posted my story shortly thereafter. But reading the articles on here along with others' experiences made me feel like I was neither unique nor alone in my suffering. There are so many strong, insightful people on here - it's cheesy, but it really restored a lot of my broken faith.

In fact, I'm in the infancy of what might be a relationship with a truly sweet, wonderful person. We're both taking it very easy and savoring the fact that there's no tragic emotional pull to bring us together. We just enjoy each others' company and are taking it one day (or weekend) at a time.

Clearmind:

Sometimes lists can be liberating, no? You know, this is the first time I've ever attempted at making a list like this. It was purely stream-of-consciousness, and I'm well aware that I left out many other things too. In therapy or talking to close, trusted friends, we'd often touch on a few of these things and get lost in analyzing them. But when I sat down to write this "survey" of the things that made me uneasy in the relationship, I was floored with the final product after hitting "post". You're right. That's a very long list of red flags. And that's just the stuff I remembered at the time! There's a LOT more.

I either convinced myself that my gut was overreacting to all these things at the time, or that I was over-thinking things. Like I said, it was a rollercoaster ride, but the highs were especially intoxicating. Enough so that they made me gloss over many of the lows.

This may not make much sense, but it was as if she had come from another planet. She seemed so "lost" (in a sweet, loving naive way) in the world, but she worked so hard on her school and career as a means to better herself and she seemed to have so much love to give, but always "tragically" seemed to find the wrong people to give it to. At the beginning of the relationship, I asked a few of my friends if they thought she might have very mild aspergers, simply because she just seemed to see the world differently.

Also, on a very personal note: I own a small business in the technology space; I've been running it for some time now (over a decade) and have been lucky and fortunate enough to have become fairly successful financially. A large part of why I originally began going to therapy was because I felt guilty for becoming as successful as I have. It almost seemed unfair. Though I didn't have the easiest childhood, and my parents were solidly middle-class (especially after their divorce), I really didn't have to struggle much for the last part of my teenage years. I was in the right place at the right time for a lot of it. Which is not to say that I don't work my butt off every day (if anything, I may be a bit of a workaholic, though I absolutely love what I do), but I've always - and my therapist confirmed this - seemed to idolize people who came from less-than-ideal backgrounds and worked themselves up to something better. I'm sure there's more to this that I need to explore, as well. 

[Clearmind]

Thank you for your well thought out response lhd981. Lists are good, it shows us what we don’t want in our next relationship. It also highlights the reasons why we stayed. Why we thought this was healthy.

Often we don’t self trust. There are reasons why we feel leaving means we are abandoning our partners. I certainly found my reasons – and they laid right back to when I was a child. I was replaying the childhood script of needing to please others to feel valued. I was brought up in a very invalidating home environment. After all we all learn our relationship skills from our parents.

We equate the highs with love. My own childhood was chaotic, the highs were addictive to me because I was so used to it – it was my “norm”. Healthy men to me were “boring” and uninteresting! Oh how that came back to bite me. I like healthy men now.

Was there anyone in your childhood who made you feel guilty for having successes? For looking out for you? Putting you first?

[motherof1yearold]

The story of being drunk and "raped" seems like a way to gain sympathy and get out of consequences for something that she likely could have stopped. Rape is very real. However there are so many false allegations. People use them to gain sympathy or get out of responsibility when it was actual consensual sex, drunk or not. Given the huge amount of abuse she has told you of I would be very skeptical of all of it and any new revelations she may tell you.

[lhd981]

Clearmind:

Yes, I had a very chaotic childhood. They might as well publish my father's picture in the DSM next to "sociopath", as he fits all the criteria to a T. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was his pawn in a battle that he waged against my mother when I was born. He accused her of diverting all of her attention to me and he felt neglected. Rather than give me his attention (and affection), he went out of his way to hurt me (and by proxy, my mother) by constantly putting me down and giving me nothing but mixed messages. Nothing was ever good enough for him. My mother, being very traditional and religiously-driven, believed in keeping the family together at any cost, even if it meant enduring his abuse. While she tried to shield me from him, she also encouraged me to get closer to him, assuring me that he loved me. Even at a young age, I didn't believe this for a bit, but was conflicted by the mixed message (what I saw and believed for myself, versus what my mother - whom I loved and trusted - was telling me).

As I grew older, my parents eventually got divorced (which took an enormous toll on my mother, as she was convinced she somehow failed me - which I knew to be patently false), my mother still tried to bring my father around "for my sake" - this proved to be a huge mistake.

At the age of 17, I got in with a company that was riding the dot-com bubble (though we didn't know it then... . ) of the late 1990s. As such, by the age of 19, I was able to buy myself a pretty fancy sports car (cars and music are my main hobbies). My mother, as well-meaning as she was, derided my decision and said it was impractical and boastful, but was still happy for my success (mixed message). My father, who would sporadically come in and out of our lives (usually when he wanted something) immediately chastised me as being foolish with my money and only thinking of my ego and buying "worthless status symbols". All I wanted was somebody to be happy for me. Moreso, I just wanted validation for my own happiness.

My mother was hoping I'd cut my long "rocker/heavy metal" hair and go to a prestigious university; even when I bought my own house (in cash, at that) at the age of 24, she claimed to be proud of me but would still chastise me for my long hair. Or the fact that I went to a less prestigious school. Or that I never honed my math skills. It was always things that I didn't do, versus partaking in the joys of the things I did do. I love her to death, but I still see her as a fairly joyless person.

I'm 32 now, with a very nice estate and a collection of sports cars, not to mention guitars and rock memorabilia. I still have my long hair (which my mother said would prevent me from ever being successful in life - and still partly maintains that!). In fact, my name on here, LHD = Long Haired Dude

Last week, we had a bit of exceptionally nice weather in the part of the country that I'm located in, so I took my "pride and joy" car out for a drive and stopped at a convenience store for a bottle of water. When I came outside, a family was gawking at it. "Is that real? I've never seen one in person! Doesn't that cost as much as a house?" (the third question being a bit of a faux pas, but I smiled nonetheless). So I let the two kids sit in it and their parents took their pictures. After the obligatory small talk, they got back into their car and I heard them telling their kids "If you work very hard, you can be successful like him!". It's an odd feeling - wanting to cry and smile at the same time.

It may sound silly to say, but I felt genuine pride for my BPD ex as she graduated with top honors in her masters program. Or as she was the last one in her office every night burning the midnight oil. How when her company declared a freeze on all raises and bonuses, they secretly gave her a raise just because she's an invaluable employee. But I also assumed that she felt the same as I did - that these things mattered to her. In the end, it was all an illusion. She had no idea what she wanted out of life. She didn't even know who she was or what she stood for. Realizing that is probably what stung the most. Everyone's values and perceptions are different, after all... .  

Thank you for writing what you did. It really gave me a lot to think about!


motherof1yearold:

The full conversation basically amounted to: "Yes, I did kiss him, and I felt awful for that." "I never pressed charges or really told anyone except for the next guy I dated... . and now you."  "In hindsight, I feel worse that I lost my friend, as she never talked to me again."

Not to say that I'm a saint, by any means, but I can't begin to fathom how someone could lie about things like that just to garner sympathy. Yet I think you have an excellent point here... .  

Come to think of it, her other tale of sexual abuse came at a time when she had broken up with me and we were trying to patch things up again... .  

It honestly seemed so genuine; but then again, how genuine could it have been if her feelings for me (and our relationship) waned as much as they did... .  

[Clearmind]

You are very clued in lhd981 and I see you spending a fair bit of time on the Personal Inventory Board when you hit 50 posts (this is when you have access). You will benefit from that board a whole lot.

Rather than give me his attention (and affection), he went out of his way to hurt me (and by proxy, my mother) by constantly putting me down and giving me nothing but mixed messages. Nothing was ever good enough for him.

Hugs to you lhd981 – there in lies the reason for choosing a Borderline. Your childhood was not your doing – what it did do was dictate our relationship choice – reminiscent of our childhood.

Borderlines are full of mixed messages so I can see how that replicated your childhood.

While she tried to shield me from him, she also encouraged me to get closer to him, assuring me that he loved me. Even at a young age, I didn't believe this for a bit, but was conflicted by the mixed message (what I saw and believed for myself, versus what my mother - whom I loved and trusted - was telling me).

Oh yes, the contradictions. We wanted to feel protected and we weren’t. We wanted to feel protected by our partners – we were for a while during the idealization phase – and then the devaluation stage was a replica of our invalidating environment. The reason why this hurts so much lhd981 is because of some of the unfinished business back in our childhood.

Healing is possible.

At the age of 17, I got in with a company that was riding the dot-com bubble (though we didn't know it then... . ) of the late 1990s. As such, by the age of 19, I was able to buy myself a pretty fancy sports car (cars and music are my main hobbies). My mother, as well-meaning as she was, derided my decision and said it was impractical and boastful, but was still happy for my success (mixed message). My father, who would sporadically come in and out of our lives (usually when he wanted something) immediately chastised me as being foolish with my money and only thinking of my ego and buying "worthless status symbols". All I wanted was somebody to be happy for me. Moreso, I just wanted validation for my own happiness.

“We must prove ourselves to be worthy, by “doing”” – I am also financially independent – at a young age. We don’t need to be “doing” to be of value.

It may sound silly to say, but I felt genuine pride for my BPD ex as she graduated with top honors in her masters program. Or as she was the last one in her office every night burning the midnight oil. How when her company declared a freeze on all raises and bonuses, they secretly gave her a raise just because she's an invaluable employee. But I also assumed that she felt the same as I did - that these things mattered to her. In the end, it was all an illusion. She had no idea what she wanted out of life. She didn't even know who she was or what she stood for. Realizing that is probably what stung the most. Everyone's values and perceptions are different, after all... .  

Yes she accomplished a lot and it’s something to be very proud of.

When I tell people who I am – I would prefer to keep the CV at home, if you know what I mean. I want to known as someone who is assertive, compassionate, knowledgeable, not perfect – and not by what is in my bank account.

We need to find out who we are despite all that my friend – you are in there – our childhoods taught us not to shine.

[lhd981]

 

I have a lot to think about before going to bed. Thank you very much for such a kind and well-thought-out post. You have no idea what it means to me.

As much as I enjoy my toys and being able to travel at a moment's notice; even if I lost all of that stuff tomorrow (and with the world economy being what it is, who knows!), I'd be most thankful to the wonderful friends I've made, and the reciprocity of care and kindness that we've shared.

Being an immigrant (from Eastern Europe, originally), I have no real family in this country (or hemisphere). Though I vowed for so many years to be a jet setter and explore the world,  I think that a large part of me - a part that I may finally be getting ready to face - is looking to settle down and metaphorically build a home. I think a large part of that is built not just on trust and mutual respect, but also on common shared values - and not just projections of such. Yes, while she projected a ton onto me - I admit that I projected a fair amount onto her too. There's more to it than that, but I need to think some more before I can articulate it. A big part, right now, is to recognize exactly why I've gotten into the patterns that I have. While I can spend all day analyzing my ex's behaviors, and it may give me some perspective and closure, it does not explain why I end up in these situations. What you wrote was eye-opening. Again, thank you.