Daily internal struggle...

[BrewCrew17]

I can not stop battling this internal struggle I have with myself on a regular basis. I am constantly asking why, how, if I did this, if I did that, etc. I just can not fathom how someone was able to flip a switch so quickly after so much time together, so many memories together, taking care of her child, etc. How could she have given up a beautiful house I just bought her that SHE wanted, before even moving in, to go live in the slums of town? How could she so easily move on, after 3 years of telling me I am her soul mate, that it takes a real man like me to take care of someone else's child, that she was so proud of me for going to nursing school setting a good example to her daughter, to out the door only to never show her face again? BPD or not, I am still having a hard time rationalizing it in my own mind, with the only logical explanation to me is that it must have been me. I constantly think what could I have done differently, and that if I was different, maybe she would have stayed and I would still be happy. It seems to be the only thing that adds up, the only thing I can put a finger on. I offered her a life of stability with her small daughter, and in my mind, she left so much behind, only to put herself in the most UN stable of positions. I have been getting the silent treatment for over 3 months now, have tried to email her several times, only to look like a fool and get no response. She is probably laughing on the other side. Why do they do this? Why does she act like I am a dead person? How could she deprive her 5 year old of her emotional needs? Are they that heartless? Why is me trying to speak with her giving her control? It has been 3 months, I still find myself crying on a regular basis. I still feel lost without her in my life, and wonder how she could be so arrogant, cruel, and mean. I did so much for her, things that most people would love and cherish, and she has thrown it out the window. The memories still haunt me to this day, and I still can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I will never find anyone who loved me like she did... .  

[BPDizzy]

Hey BrewCrew,

Sorry for what you're going through.  Seems like you're waging a war but really can't see the opponent.  This board has been very helpful to me, I am still dealing with my breakup but feel i have progressed somewhat.  Let me paraphrase a few things I've read on these boards throughout these past months:

1)  With pwBPD, there is a lot that is just totally nonsensical.  Your brained is wired to process rational stuff so it can be stored away.  The irrational stuff stays floating around, almost haunting you cause you can't easily store it away in the closets of your mind.  Trying to rationalize their decisions can exhaust you and even drive you mad. 

2)  She said you were her soul mate and even boosted your ego for taking care of her daughter, "it takes a real man" . . . Idealization . . surely the beginning of your r/s was pure heaven.  Take a look at the reference material in this site, particularly the 3 stages of a BPD relationship:  seducer, clinger, hater.  Really interesting stuff.

3)  You bought her a house, cared for her daughter . . .sounds like you might be the rescuer type, need to take care of and serve others to feel better about yourself . . .  a lot of folks here would suggest you get some reading material on codependence like "Codependent No More"  by Melody Beattie.  Also there's an article on this site covering the dance between the codependent and the BPD, something along the lines of the 'Lonely Child' and 'Abandoned Child' . . . good reading !

4)  The memories still haunt you . . . of course !  You remember all the good (you wish you could relive that again), and have probably forgotten most of the bad.  It was an incredible high at the beginning . . . almost like receiving unconditional love from a parent, a loaded bond . . . and then it's gone, catastrophic.  I have felt this.  Therapy helps.  Someone told me that the pain in missing your BPD could actually be some sort of unresolved issue from childhood.  Doesn't hurt to talk to somebody.

5)  You're crying on a regular basis?  Keep crying, keep releasing.  Eventually it gets better.  Winston Churchill said "if you find yourself going through hell, keep going". You may never be able to rationalize her decisions, but you may be able to figure out what attracted you to her in the first place, what kept you in the relationship, and why it is so utterly painful to let go.

Hang in there BrewCrew.  Another thing that helps is realizing that you're not alone in this type of struggle and that you will be back in the saddle again.

[Whichwayisup]

Hi BrewCrew,

I just read your message and thought - that's me... .   except it's only been three weeks for me.

I moved into new neighbourhood as she had so many bad memories, got married, adopted her S and then supported her through  6 years part time training as a Nurse, now qualified, we were building it all just like you - only for her to rage and then be unfaithful, knowing that was my limit - not a peep from her as to why or any remorse or concern -quite the opposite, she is now trying to use the kids as the weapon against me.  I am feeling stronger but everyday is a struggle, I'm reading as much as I can and enjoying the time I have with the kids - had I known then what I know now- I would gladly have walked away (the blessing is that we have three beautiful and so far, as well adjusted (as they can be) kids).

Mine went from complete ignorance to sweet and innocent last week - I now see that she had realised she needed me to help with the childcare around her shifts (first two weeks were kids holiday)  and I am trying to forget about her but still dreaming and waking up with her on my mind - my head knows I'm doing the right thing but hasn't yet told my heart... .  

Just wanted to let you know how similar your situation was to mine and you are not alone, we are all here together .