Guilt again... need some advice

[Marcia]

Hello all:

Four years ago my family and I found a retirement community here in our town and moved my 82 year old BPD mom here to have family and help near. We did our best, and of course it had its challenges, but after two years she got mad and moved back to her home state about 400 miles away. We don't know what set her off, but she has a history of being convinced she is being mistreated. True to form, she said all kinds of nasty things about us, including that my husband was " after her money." This was a particularly shabby slam, since we had only been trying to help her get on top of her finances. She's not wealthy and we already have saved for our retirement.

Anyhoo, after this incident I decided I was done with her,  and my sister who lives several states away is her main contact. My sister is trying, but mother is difficult--poor me, mad at the world, unwilling to consider suggestions. My sis has over the years has been glad to have me take the lead with mom, but knows we really can't deal with her abuse anymore.

Now, my youngest son is moving to within an hour and a half of my mom, and my sister is tied in knots of "what mom will say when she finds out." I told her I doubt if my son will contact her--my grown kids don't think much of her after all of her drama over the years and her treatment of us two years ago. I told her, he can do what he wants and thatI won't influence him one way or the other. I know my sis is mad that she will be stuck dealing with mom's ranting, but I am so much healthier with the NC and really feel that I took my turn. Yet, I don't mean to set up my sis for abuse... .  what do you all think?

[P.F.Change]

How is your mother's abusiveness your fault?

Your sister is an adult who is able to decide what behavior she allows in her life.

Your son also is free to live where he likes (I am assuming he has reached adulthood), and to share that information (or not) with whomever he chooses.

You don't need to assume responsibility for other people's choices.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Marcia]

Thanks PF, I was getting lost in the fog. Your assessment is spot on!