Signals

[FindingStrength]

As I'm sure my signature illustrates I'm a fan of Shel Silverstein.  I am also a big fan of poetry in general, I think it can be healing.  I think humorous poetry is especially healing for me because it introduces a little levity into a healing process that can be very painful.

Here's one of his I re-discovered today that makes me laugh and think about the mixed signals I got growing up.

Signals

When the light is green you go.

When the light is red you stop.

But what do you do

When the light is blue

With orange and lavender spots?

~Shel Silverstein

I often longed for consistency and clear signals growing up.  Instead what I got was mixed messages that left me dizzy and gasping for some sense.  I learned to hold contradictory ideas in my head easily by compartmentalizing them. For instance when my mom was in one of her good moods, her magnanimous and cool-parenting moods she would encourage me to see my friends and spend more time with them, she would tell me that she missed when I would tell her stories about them and she wished I were with them more.  Most of these were friends I had known for years and was very close to.  After 1 day spent with friends she would flip and scream at me for choosing friends over family, for abandoning her, for being selfish, for discussing family secrets and for letting people who were not Indian corrupt me and distance me from my culture.  I remember confronting her about it once and she told me simply that she wanted me to want to be with my friends and have a social life but choose to be with my family instead to prove how much I loved them. 

How nonsensical is that?

[Kwamina]

Thanks for sharing this funny little poem FindingStrength!  

I can really relate to what you're saying about mixed messages and how this made you feel. Growing up my uBPD mom's mixed messages really confused me and at some point I just got lost completely. My mother was also always trying to control me and prevent me from spending time with friends. She was very jealous, would tell lies and say terrible things like how my friends wanted to poison me and that's why I should stop seeing them. She also accused me of loving my friends more than I loved her and would actually fake sickness to prevent me from leaving the house.

This behavior doesn't make sense indeed, but the good news is that we've survived and are working on our continued recovery!  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Haha!  Love the poem, and it makes sense.  I have loved poetry for as long as I can remember.  I've been writing poetry for many years.

My mom always seemed to find something wrong with most of my friends.  They were never good enough.  This always disturbed me.  I struggled to feel like the women I dated would fare well in her eyes.  Damn... .

[Beachbumforlife]

My mom was very jealous too.  A lot of abandonment issues even though no one ever abandoned her.  So sad.   :'(

[Phoenix.Rising]

Wow, yes, jealous... . I think that is correct word.  And maybe insecure?  Yes, I agree it is sad.  I have struggled with jealousy and I suppose I learned a lot of it from her... .  wow.

[Beachbumforlife]

It's ok Phoenix.  I have struggled with it too and definitely it was due to my background.  It has gotten better for me though, so there is hope.  I've learned a lot about being co-dependent from a therapist and we worked through a lot.  You definitely can heal from that!   

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you, Beachbumforlife.