Goodbye

[Lady31]

I found this poem I wrote a little while back while cleaning, sorting & packing to be out of our house.  I may have posted this before, here goes... .  

You'll never know how hard it is,

To see what I don't want to have to see,

That my heart is so deeply in love,

With the man you could never be.

All this time I held onto hope,

That if only this or that would go your way,

All the darkness within you would fade,

And finally AT LAST would come the day.

I kept looking to the outside,

For explainations for your rage,

Course you always steered my eyes that way,

Smudging just enough the writing on the page.

The hurtful words and accusations,

The disgust at my presence on your face,

As though you could not stand the fact that I,

Existed with you in this place.

Other men noticed when I walked by,

But you couldn't stand my touch,

And I couldn't bare to engage you anymore,

Because the rejection became too much.

I tried all I could think of to bring you happiness,

But nothing was ever good enough,

My anxiety soared and my confidance smothered,

My heart now bleeding, callused and rough.

Your words would be so filled with hope,

With each new thing or move that came,

But as the newness faded so did that hope,

As you realized you were still the same.

And when summoned were the depths of your heart,

You could not bare your shame,

And you shifted all that crushing weight to me,

So you wouldn't have to wear your pain.

I don't know how this could be love,

In your crippled mind you see it to be true,

It seems logic could never break your barrier,

To bring the freeing gift of truth to you.

I have fought this realization without rest,

Not wanting to allow it to peek through,

But it finally conquered my wrestling mind,

And I cannot escape it's truth.

And even here in the pain you inflict,

I still wish I could put the blinders back on my eyes,

Part of me wants to know the truth,

And the other to believe the lies.

I know on a certain level you cannot help,

The illusion you created for me to see,

I feel a mix of pity and anger,

Wanting to be bound to you, yet free.

A measure of anger is toward myself,

For allowing this false reality,

For not protecting my poor heart from you,

As I watched it dim inside of me.

I found the saddest tears were the ones that came,

When I was too exhausted to cry,

And I would lay there still without a sound,

As they just ran down from my eyes.

The crushing weight I could not describe,

As the last ounce of hope dies in finality,

And acceptance sits down in it's chair,

Goodbye to the man you could never be.

[mary_sunshine]

Fantastic poem! Thanks for sharing it. It perfectly describes what I am going through right now, and I'm sure many others are too. It's the saddest thing to love someone and believe in them so much, only to realize it is not and never can be returned in the same way. Especially when you thought they were the one person in the world who would be able to love you completely.  :'(

[Findingmysong723]

Wow! Describes the situation so well! I have come to the realization that the relationship was destined to end, there was always that feeling inside that I wished would go away. Then of course there was all the times things seemed to be moving along well and we seemed like we were becoming a real family, the pets, me and him. Then the rug would be pulled right from under me, hard! It was always so disorienting to say the least!

My Ex boyfriend is a self saboteur, there were times when he spoke of things he wanted to do to improve himself and make our relationship better, but in the end it never happened. I do believe he wanted to do these things, but his fear and his old habits just got the best of him. He admitted to me before in a letter he wrote to improve the relationship, that he had been stressed out before he met me and the relationship had given him more stress, even though he was so happy to have me in his life! I feel that letter was the closest I will ever get to what is going on in that head of his. My Ex expressed how he didn't feel like he deserved love and that he had a hard time communicating his feelings ( of course I had my own major issues with that too). Also, told me early on that he was never really in love, and if he was it was only once. So, I do believe he did try at least for some time, however that doesn't make it any less hurtful to me! I do hope that one day he gets help and not just someone he talks to every once in awhile, but real therapy. So, he can deal with his past issues with alcohol and drugs and dealing with his father's (was an alcoholic) past abuse when he was very young. I believe that the sweet guy was him and so is the person who is hurt and took it out on me with his words, push and pull, withdrawing etc. I just hope one day the sweet guy will win the fight over the other!

[Findingmysong723]

oops, ignore the last few sentences at the end of my post, I was editing it and forgot I still had that at the bottom. Too bad you can't delete your post and start over. hmm?