Does she not see how much I do for her?

[cska]

Hey everyone!

I haven't posted in a long time, and admittedly, that was a mistake.

I have been dating my dBPDgf for over a year now. At the beginning of the relationship, I did everything she told me, and set absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Since then, I have been working on setting boundaries, and avoiding arguments (b/c the arguments don't lead anywhere, its absolutely impossible to deal with her absolutely flawed logic, and it just makes her neurotic). Of course, my gf blames me for "changing", and not caring about her anymore. (That's not true, even when I "disconnect" from her and take time to catch up on my work, I think about her all the time b/c I Love her to death.)

She keeps telling me about how rotten I am for not caring about her, and that I am pretty much the most horrible person who has ever walked this Earth. But even though I set boundaries and take time to myself when I have exams to study for, I do a lot for her. I comfort her and tell her I want to spend my life with her (and I do mean it), even after she insults and invalidates me. So does she not see how much I do for her? She tells me all the time that she can do better than me, and sure, I'm not perfect, but does she not see how much insults I put up with and how much sacrifices I'm making for her?

For instance, here is what happened last night. (Please give me feedback on my actions and how I could have handled the situation in a better way.)

After being intimately exposed to BPD, I became a supporter of mental health awareness, and May is mental health awareness month. So I posted a status on my fb about mental health awareness and how there should be no stigma against mental illnesses. My gf sees my status, and makes her own status something like this: "People who make fun those with mental health issues should not be promoting mental health awareness." ( I never make fun of her, but one time I lost control of myself and called her crazy when she took my phone and when I tried to get it back, she started screaming as if I was attacking her and trying to steal HER phone.)

Anyway, I got really upset at her status b/c I take mental health very seriously, and I stay by her side through all of the crap. In fact I'm applying to med school to study psychiatry, so her comment really hit me where it hurts... . I lost my cool, and called her out, and commented on her status, reminding her, that I stayed by her side through the suicidal threats, insults, and property damage.

She removed my comments right away, and of course, she was really upset and hurt. I never wanted to hurt her, I just got so mad that I'm not appreciated.

How do I keep myself from losing my cool when my gf insults me? And does she really not see how much I do for her?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dickL]

no, their brains don't work normally

[bruceli]

 

How do I keep myself from losing my cool when my gf insults me? And does she really not see how much I do for her?

I feel that they do, however they are so consumed in all THEIR doom and gloom that they will not acknowledge it to you.  Just like they almost never say their sorry also.

[hithere]

Does she not see how much I do for her?

No, she can never face that because the shame of how she pays you off for it would shatter her mind.

My ex would sometimes during idealization admit how much I have done for her and her kids but usually she would just spout off about the negatives and how great she was.

[rosannadanna]

cska,

It's awesome that you are changing the dynamic early on in the relationship.  However, you will eventually have to have conversations with your gf in which the two of you disagree, like all couples do, whether they have BPD or not.  Keep studying the tools on the site, keep practicing them and use the board for support.  

She is not an alien life form.  She is a woman who has an attachment d/o, is very emotionally sensitive, and therefore needs a partner who understands that and is willing to make adjustments.  That does not require a psychiatry MD, but compassion, respect, radical acceptance, and learning the communication tools.  It also requires a person who has done some inner work, has worked on their own codependency issues or vulnerable narcissism (read about this in 2010's posts), and is usually up to the task of being the relationship "cruise director".  When you are not up to it, you learn how to take care of yourself so that you stay strong.  If your partner is reciprocating support, that is an added bonus.  If your gf is generally a giving, generous person with low N traits, she will more likely reciprocate when she is not dysregulated.

Ok so you probably can guess my answer to your question "does she not see how much I do for her?"  But I am going to first say that your question is dripping with codependency.  If you read my other posts I probably seem kind of fixated on us nons having codependency issues, but takes one to know one.  I get it.  I went into the mental health field b/c I had mentally ill parents.  My partner is my dysfunctional childhood-correcting "soulmate" that I have been able work out all my stuff on for the past three years.  That "stuff" includes a lot of inner work and my partner has done a lot of work on himself as well.   He is not my patient, he is my partner, but this is a touchy area b/c I am more adept at handling stress.  I view him as my equal.  He has strengths in some areas  and I have strengths in some areas.  I have to admit, it would have been monumentally hard to have lived and had children with him. I would have definitely turned into my mom (depressed codependent) caretaking the mentally unstable and forever disappointing partner.  That would have been unfortunate, b/c I would remained entrenched in my codependency, forever asking ":)oes he not see how much I do for him?"

But fortunately we both already had kids, already had life experience, and our own places

Good luck and take care

[rosannadanna]

I want to add that I have the greatest admiration for the stayers in LTRs, especially with children.  Take it from a child from a mentally ill home, you guys are heroes!