Guilt

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm an enabler. She's a wounded animal. I want to help and protect... .But that's too dangerous and I get hurt.

It's so hard to avoid falling for the sob stories. I didn't make her unemployable. I didn't take out huge college loans that grew -- she owed more when we married than when she borrowed. I offered to pay them off, and rented a tiny apartment to free up more money . She told me she didn't want to use my money because it didn't feel like a real marriage. She threatens and hints at divorce, but can't understand why I want out.

I feel so guilty. I feel so sorry for her. This is such a dangerous place for me to be (emotionally).

How did you all get over the guilt of leaving them?

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

I'm an enabler. She's a wounded animal. I want to help and protect... .But that's too dangerous and I get hurt.

It's so hard to avoid falling for the sob stories. I didn't make her unemployable. I didn't take out huge college loans that grew -- she owed more when we married than when she borrowed. I offered to pay them off, and rented a tiny apartment to free up more money . She told me she didn't want to use my money because it didn't feel like a real marriage. She threatens and hints at divorce, but can't understand why I want out.

I feel so guilty. I feel so sorry for her. This is such a dangerous place for me to be (emotionally).

How did you all get over the guilt of leaving them?

Gomez

[fromheeltoheal]

How did you all get over the guilt of leaving them?

By getting very selfish.  Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first, we have nothing to give.  Think of a flight attendant on an airplane, who says if oxygen masks descend, put your mask on first before you help children or others, or something to that effect.  We need to fill ourselves up first, and keep ourselves full, and of course the right person would help with that, the wrong one will just deplete us.

Letting go is hard, letting go of that last sliver of hope is the hardest, and letting go of someone who is all take and no give, someone who could never meet our needs, is self preservation, since if we let them deplete us entirely we have nothing to give anyway, so how enabling could we be?

And there's a lot of growth in looking closely at why we feel guilty for not doing something someone should be doing for themselves.

[UserName69]

How did you all get over the guilt of leaving them?

Everyday I'm busy, I hang around in clubs with my buddies. And I realized and accepted the fact that my ex is an evil person, I thought a lot about all the bad moments she gave me, I know that she had played with my feelings and tried to manipulate me. Two weeks after we ended the relationship I started to date with other girls in order to forget about her. At the places I visit there are a lot of girls so I really don't care about my ex.

She was the one who had screwed our relation up by her drama acts and games. I really hate my exBPD, I will never ever love her again yet go back to her. I'm happy I don't have to see her face, hear her voice, read any of her ___ty Facebook comments/sms. I really cannot believe that there was a time that I actually loved her.

I started to hate her before we broke up so letting go was very easy for me, by visiting clubs and bars I knew a lot of girls whenever I had a good conversation with a girl I said to myself damn my exBPD is such an idiot compared to this girl. I realized that my ex was a complete idiot, liar, cheater and a drama queen. I really don't want to spend my time with such a girl who's always trying to play games with me.

[Trog]

By acknowledging my worth and seeing that her story didn't change (woe is me) regardless of how much I tried to soothe her.

I don't feel guilty for leaving my ex at all anymore. I was at the end of my rope, she did nothing to save herself or our marriage (less than nothing, she sabotaged it) and she wasn't giving me anything positive to add to my life. She was a negative influence. My life got steadily worse as she was an attention drain, how can u improve your career or launch a product when everyday is a personal emergency day?

She was a drain or life force, I want someone to add to my life. So why feel guilty? Just stupid I didn't ditch her sooner

[Mister Brightside]

How did you all get over the guilt of leaving them?

Technically, she left me when I wouldn't get into a relationship with her immediately. After her "rebound" didn't work out, she came back for more, and I refused to play the game. I feel heartbroken that she is lonely, and I really, really miss the idealization stage when the fairy tale was alive, and I was having some of the happiest moments of my life.

I can't really tell you how to get rid of the guilt, but they are who they are. No matter what we do, they will not change. The only way they will change is if they acknowledge they have a problem and seek therapy. And even then it's a gigantic uphill battle.

All I can really say is, "When you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change. The devil changes you. - Amanda Hocking." Sure, we can feel pity for them, but if we hang around their crazy making, they are going to make us crazy. We won't turn them into non-personality disordered people. Sure, go ahead and care about her, but don't care so much that you sacrifice yourself for nothing.

[Loosestrife]

How did you all get over the guilt of leaving them?

Technically, she left me when I wouldn't get into a relationship with her immediately. After her "rebound" didn't work out, she came back for more, and I refused to play the game. I feel heartbroken that she is lonely, and I really, really miss the idealization stage when the fairy tale was alive, and I was having some of the happiest moments of my life.

I can't really tell you how to get rid of the guilt, but they are who they are. No matter what we do, they will not change. The only way they will change is if they acknowledge they have a problem and seek therapy. And even then it's a gigantic uphill battle.

All I can really say is, "When you dance with the devil, the devil doesn't change. The devil changes you. - Amanda Hocking." Sure, we can feel pity for them, but if we hang around their crazy making, they are going to make us crazy. We won't turn them into non-personality disordered people. Sure, go ahead and care about her, but don't care so much that you sacrifice yourself for nothing.

Great quote, thsnks