struggling with wanting to check up on ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm struggling with wanting to check my exBPDbf's facebook, and need some help around this.  I'm also struggling with the fact that we work in the same industry, and there is an event happening that I want to participate in except for the fact that I suspect he'll also be there.  If we're both working the same event, we'll be in a very small room together with a bunch of other people.  I know I can't handle that, and yet I resent like hell the fact that I'm limiting myself, especially because when we were friends before dating I encouraged him to work in my field because he needed extra money.  He then went without telling me and approached one of my employers and got work.  Then when we were dating he asked me to help him get into another place and I did.  Now he works at both of these places and I don't, for fear of running into him.

I guess the desire to read his fb page comes from the need to look for answers.  I feel I've been replaced, but because when he broke it off all he said was that he had a "spiritual shift" and can't be with me anymore, it's left me blaming myself, examining any past behaviors on my part that could have instigated this.

Right now I'm disgusted with the way I've been treated, how casually I've been dismissed (after he told me we were soulmates, after calling me his "precious baby girl" for months).  How he split me black and now sees me as his enemy.  How he threatened to call the police when I went up to his house to ask him why he unfriended me on facebook (believe me, I was no threat, and have never acted violent toward him).  This was early on, and I was still stunned by his breaking it off a week earlier.  It felt surreal.

I just want to move on, yet I feel myself thinking of him everyday.  Today I started thinking of him sexually out of the blue.  Maybe I need to get really angry in order to move on.  Up till now I've been alternating between being angry that he ended it, and praying for his happiness. But today I just feel disgusted. 

Any helpful suggestions/comments would be appreciated, thanks.  The weekends are the hardest for me, because that's when we'd be spending two days straight together.

[leftbehind]

I'm struggling with wanting to check my exBPDbf's facebook, and need some help around this.  I'm also struggling with the fact that we work in the same industry, and there is an event happening that I want to participate in except for the fact that I suspect he'll also be there.  If we're both working the same event, we'll be in a very small room together with a bunch of other people.  I know I can't handle that, and yet I resent like hell the fact that I'm limiting myself, especially because when we were friends before dating I encouraged him to work in my field because he needed extra money.  He then went without telling me and approached one of my employers and got work.  Then when we were dating he asked me to help him get into another place and I did.  Now he works at both of these places and I don't, for fear of running into him.

I guess the desire to read his fb page comes from the need to look for answers.  I feel I've been replaced, but because when he broke it off all he said was that he had a "spiritual shift" and can't be with me anymore, it's left me blaming myself, examining any past behaviors on my part that could have instigated this.

Right now I'm disgusted with the way I've been treated, how casually I've been dismissed (after he told me we were soulmates, after calling me his "precious baby girl" for months).  How he split me black and now sees me as his enemy.  How he threatened to call the police when I went up to his house to ask him why he unfriended me on facebook (believe me, I was no threat, and have never acted violent toward him).  This was early on, and I was still stunned by his breaking it off a week earlier.  It felt surreal.

I just want to move on, yet I feel myself thinking of him everyday.  Today I started thinking of him sexually out of the blue.  Maybe I need to get really angry in order to move on.  Up till now I've been alternating between being angry that he ended it, and praying for his happiness. But today I just feel disgusted. 

Any helpful suggestions/comments would be appreciated, thanks.  The weekends are the hardest for me, because that's when we'd be spending two days straight together.

[Siamese Rescue]

If we both hadn't been recently dumped I would think we were dating the same person. I just spent an hour combing facebook.  I can't judge you for wanting to do it. I'm only a week from the breakup so I'm raw and twitchy and just in a state of shock.

I feel your pain and can relate to each and every word as you describe it.  I'm trying to do the same thing. Figure out who she is, because, frankly, it could be one person in particular, and I've been on here yakking about two different women but the sad truth is that it could be someone different all together.  The unknowns are killing me.  I'm a smell the sour milk person who wants to know even if it hurts me. I know that's not good advice but it's what applies to me.

I guess what might help you is the fact that I spent 7 years of my life with him.  Honestly, I wish I had gotten out five years ago. I've also scrutinized myself and all of my behaviors over the last six months to a year and have so many regrets. Yet many of the kind people here would likely point out that many of the things I did was the result of years of gaslighting and twisted answers, etc. 

These people are amazingly gentle, tender, seductive, warm, fuzzy, delicious in their pursuit of us and it's frightening how fast they can spin on a dime and become vicious, mean, unrecognizable.  My ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me last week.  We were away on vacation two weeks ago.  Now? He's threatened me and painted me black. It's simply sickening to me when I allow my mind to wander to the notion of him being with someone else.  Yet, I have to remember that all the special things he did with me, all the vacations, trips, holidays, the sex, the cards, the special one on one times, mean nothing to him now and therefore, whatever he does with anyone else will mean nothing to him when he's ready to discard them.

It's a brutal time trying to get over him, however, I have managed not to call him or text him for 6 days and I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to die... .  at least not tonight.

Please try to calm down because you are dealing with someone who is not normal.  My idea that I'm trying to convince myself of is this: Would I walk into a mental institution and allow one of the crazy patients to affect me this badly? Well the only difference between them and my ex-boyfriend is that he's on the outside walking around.

Like you I have blamed myself and tried to figure out how I could have handled myself differently, but the truth is that when you feel safe in a relationship you relax and you can't always behave perfectly.  Unfortunately, these BPD's apparently are taking notes all the time and building a list or compiling a box of evidence against us.

I do sympathize with you because I so related to everything you wrote - what on Earth could explain how close we were two weeks ago and now he HATES me, he is threatening me, calling me names, dismissing me with total frozen emotions. It's possibly one of the most painful things I've ever endured. It's torturous to me.

You are not alone. Many of us have experienced this dramatic and slicing switch.

[tailspin]

leftbehind  

I know your struggle and your fear of running into him before you've healed is valid.  You you do not need his fb page to find the answers you seek. He was never the source of your strength.  You were.  

If you are not ready to face him then don't put yourself in that position.  Checking up on his fb page will only serve to open the wound that has begun to heal within you. It doesn't matter what he posts anymore.

On the other hand, this may be a healing experience for you if you can hold your head up high and be the strong woman you are regardless of whether he is in the same room or not.  The choice is your own because you are the only one who can determine where you are in your journey.

I also felt replaced and this betrayal forced me to look within instead of looking for answers from him.  He cannot help you find the answers you seek but you have an opportunity right now to regain control of your life without him.

Peace to you in your journey.

tailspin

[Changed4safety]

... .  busted.  Add me to this sisterhood.  I just got off FB checking to see if he's added the "girl he's seeing." ><  I think my problem is the classic "intermittent reinforcement" thing--I've been through five years of off and on, truth and cheating, lies, betrayal, violence, passion, AMAZING sex, kindred spirit etc. etc.  I left while he was out of town on the advice of my therapist almost exactly a year ago... .  we sort of rekindled.  Then I moved in August 1,000 miles away.  Off and on.  Saw each other in October and rekindled.  He came to visit me in Dec and I realized I couldn't keep doing this, I was still terrified that he would "go off" on me.  Ended it on the first anniversary of my father's death on Dec. 14.  Early April, he messages me and says he is still in love with me, would follow me anywhere--fourth "no."  Next day he takes up with the "new girl" and it's like I never left him, emotionally.

MAN I hate this.  It's so hard, and you don't know, you just can't, till you've been through it yourself.  Hugs all round.  

[leftbehind]

It's amazing how similar these men sound!  Thank you to all the ladies who wrote.  I think relationships were a lot simpler before facebook and online dating. 

tailspin, I think I will wait and see how I feel in a couple months, as the event isn't until November.  I'll miss the early registration that's cheaper, but at least I can see where I'm at.

Siamese Rescue, I always marvel at how our ex's sound so much alike every time I read your posts!  I have never been in a relationship before this where it was all good, magic, romantic, passionate, spiritual, unicorns and rainbows... .  and then nothing.  I think it's harder to let go of because I only experienced good stuff before the plug was pulled and the power was cut.

Changed4safety, I hear you.  One day he's in love, next day gone.  I'm so sorry you're struggling too. 

[Siamese Rescue]

A few things I forgot: Facebook sucks for our kinds of relationships. I'm sure the professionals would say that a healthy relationship with a healthy person should easily withstand the temptations of Facebook and the exposure it affords by opening the menu of partners. Still, I hate it for that reason and I hate that I am constantly eager to look at it (or as my ex would call it "stalking"

Also, weekends DO suck. I'm lonely empty and could puke that I lety whole life be wrapped around him. Dangerous crap. Ugh.

[Changed4safety]

It is stalking--and I got into it because he swore up and down he was "traumatized" by his former girlfriend's refusal to let him have any female friends at all and constantly breaking into his computer to check up on him.  I of course vowed not to do so... .  until the cheating started (he left his computer on with the AIM message up).  Nearly a dozen women for cybersex over a 3 year period, and he'd look into my face and lie to me about it, or else claim he "blocked it out" and had no recollection that it happened (and he's start crying and slapping his face.  I still don't know if he lied about that or told the truth, he is a pretty sick guy).   So now I have this compulsion to check up on every girl he's friended, even though this time he was open about what happened.  And when I had a roomie, I kept looking at her screen when she was online. 

And this is the guy I'm hung up on? 

  I do not like what I have become.   And sorry for hijacking your thread.

[Siamese Rescue]

To me, stalking is getting in the car and following him after you're broken up. If you're in a relationship w someone I don't consider it stalking. Maybe my standards are lax because every year for the last 5, I've had an ex of his jump out of bushes or show up on parking lots telling me he's been screwing her the entire time. I've caught him in so many lies that they're uncountable. Sadly I think he had finally stopped cheating in the end stages of our relationship but it was too late by then, I was already or finally scarred and paranoid enough that I couldn't stop accusing him or worrying.

This is painful but it's probably necessary. I too used to look at every woman as someone he could cheat with. It's so outside of the way I used to be. I was once so confident, so secure, so calm. After he cheats to the extent he did, there's no repair, no repair for either of us.

[leftbehind]

Changed4safety, you didn't hijack my thread.  I'm glad you responded

Siamese Rescue, I feel you.  One of my former bfs ( I think that one was NPD, bipolar, and maybe BPD too.  Also addicted to Klonopin and diagnosed with PTSD)  was cheating on me the whole 2 years I was with him with at least 3 ongoing relationships, and trying with many more.  I found this out when he used my computer and forgot to sign out of his email account.  I feel I was supposed to find out, and I don't regret "snooping".  I almost signed him out, went to lay down for 10 minutes to think about it first, and then a little voice told me, "if you don't look at his email, you'll never know the truth." 

I feel it was my angels talking to me that day.  Someone was trying to protect me.  Especially since the last time we had sex he practically date raped me while I had threw my neck out, and took advantage of the opportunity to have unsafe sex with me.  Because he was my boyfriend, and I could barely move without being in pain, I made the choice of laying there.  I knew if I somehow managed to push him off that would be the end of the relationship.  We were finished 10 days later anyhow when I found out about all the cheating.

I guess my point is sometimes it's a fine line between the desire to snoop, and your intuition trying to tell you something's wrong.  The problem is, once you've been burned the circuitry for distrust has been built up.  This is something I've struggled with since the past relationship, so it came into play in this one. 

Whether or not I acted jealous (and I was working on myself, learning to trust and break these patterns, ironically I was getting beyond it when the current ex broke up with me)... .  the fact of the matter is my ex ran because of some pretty minor stuff. 

My T says that when it's real love you work through your stuff together.  I really hope she's right, because I want a life partner who is solid, loyal, loving and faithful.

[Siamese Rescue]

I never once felt the need to dig for answers or truth with my exhusband. He was wired differently. We are more like relatives now, we'll, we were always like cousins or brother:sister except in the early part of our marriage... . Still, he's not a player, not a womanizer and not a cheater/liar. Never ever did I try to see his email or cell phone. Not once.

This relationship with my ex-bf? Oh I feel like I have callouses on my palms from holding the shovel to dig! I agree, there are times when you DO have to look at something closer, because otherwise you can't be prepared... .  It's an impossible situation. I bet an expert would ask if the snooping changed the outcome or did all of the spying change the person you were spying on? No, but that doesn't alleviate my need to try to be prepared for pain - at least bracing myself for hurt... .  

[benny2]

I also am struggling with wanting to drive past his house tonight just to see if he is there alone. If I see another vehicle there then I would know why he has been treating me this way but then theres this part of me saying, its late, I'm tired and who cares.

[leftbehind]

benny2, I feel you.  those thoughts cross my mind too.  but most likely it will only make you feel worse.  I say take care of yourself tonight and get some sleep.