Dealing with Sexual Assault vs. BPD homelife

[Babysteps]

Hey everyone. You guys are wonderful and wise. A few weeks ago I made a thread about a guyfriend, and you guys said there were definitely  and I should watch myself... .  Well I talked it over with him and thought it was a mixture of my abuse trauma causing me to react badly and just unwise decisions on both parts. Well... .  you guys were right. He was trouble.

He sexually assaulted me last night. This was one of my best friends at school who I trusted. Someone who said he would help me through my abuse trauma and was even willing to go to one of my counseling sessions to learn how to not trigger me. He was the one supportive person I had in my life that was making it bearable. He gave my confidence... .  I could list all day. He was acting like a completely outstanding friend. I wanted to date him next semester, once my life cooled down. But no. He sexually assaulted me last night.

warning triggering below

It started off as cuddling and watching the movie. I wore my glasses because I was hoping we could cuddle that night and I'll just stay over... .  Just cuddle, because I set clear boundaries for him and he agreed to them. I trusted him. We end up falling asleep. But I wake up noticing later that he was groping my butt. Well I was okay that because it was outside my sweatpants. But then he eventually slipped his hands underneath my sweatpants and underwear... .  That was the first  But I was suppose to be asleep and I just stayed silent. His roommate was across the room. If I made a fuss now, he could get in trouble, and well he "only" was doing that. last time I made a fuss was springweekend and someone was brought into the situation and he also kinda guilt trip me into thinking it was fine. It wasn't worth the effort to deal with.

But it got worse. He kept on forcefully position my body, moving around, so it would be convenient to dry hump me while also groping my butt.  I just laid there like a dead log pretending I was asleep, sometimes saying no, but involving my sister's name or my pets' names. That would make him stop a bit but continue on a short time later. I would also kinda shift and adjust but he would always adjust me back to something advantageous for him.

He also kept grabbing my face and positioning it so mine was against his. I was fine with that actually, we did that type of cuddling before. What bothered me was the part where he would happen to make it so our lips are pressed together, and he'd try to kiss me and shove his tongue into my mouth. May I point out-I was not cooperating. I was acting like a dead log-as if I was asleep. But he kept trying until the several times where I nearly "accidentally" bit his tongue. When he would start the kissing thing, I'd try to move my face so at least our lips aren't against each other, but he would forcefully grab my chin and position it back... .  What. He did a lot of that type of stuff last night.

I'm still a virgin though and he did not rape me. I just. It's hard processing all of this? I can't believe I let him do that. I was scared. He knew because the way my uBPD treats me, it makes it really hard for me to say no. We talked about it and worked that out-aka why I had my boundaries set up. But this time, he totally threw all those boundaries out the window... .  He's suppose to be my friend.

I talked to him today about it and he says he doesn't remember most of it. He claims he did it unknowingly in his sleep. Yes, it could be that one sexual sleeping disorder, but I kinda doubt it. One of my friends who knows him thinks he's lying to me. Flat out. Trying to cover his butt. Which is like ouch ouch ouch... .  If he at least told the truth we could have made some progress and worked things out better. But no. I'm currently blocking him on facebook and I'm going to tell him tomorrow that I need space, he did injustice to me, he was very wrong, and that I will start communicating with him when I want to.

It's just like ugh I had enough going wrong in my life to begin with... .  My life at home is awful and this is finals week. Two weeks, I'll be home. With my uBPD mom. This past year has been the worst year of my life, and that is saying a lot. He took advantage of my vulnerability that my newly acknowledge trauma caused. I already had trauma to deal with from the abuse-now I lost the one person who was truly helping me through this from him sexually assaulting me. I feel so broken. He knew how weak I was and did this. I just. I don't know.

What are some good ways to cope with both the abuse trauma and outside trauma from other events?

I also know that my trauma from the abuse made this more easy to happen. I tend to find guys who are "nice guys" but always end up using me somehow... .  Mostly attempting sexually (this was the first one who succeeded). It isn't like I go after the bad guys, they are all my close guyfriends who I slowly let in. Am I doing something wrong? This makes me just never want to date ever again. Any advice about not letting the trauma of my abuse drag me down romantically?

[GeekyGirl]

Babysteps, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this.   Please do not get into a situation where you're alone with this "friend" again. Someone who really cares about you will respect your boundaries and not push things emotionally and physically unless you're ok with it and ONLY if you're ok with it.

What are some good ways to cope with both the abuse trauma and outside trauma from other events?

This isn't something you want to tackle on your own. This is something you need to mention to your therapist. Can you call her today, or is there someone else you can call through your school's counseling or health center?

It isn't like I go after the bad guys, they are all my close guyfriends who I slowly let in. Am I doing something wrong? This makes me just never want to date ever again. Any advice about not letting the trauma of my abuse drag me down romantically?

Take it very slow and be very clear about what's ok and what's not ok. If your gut tells you that something isn't right, trust it. Guys who are interested in you for more than physical reasons will stick around even if you aren't physical with them. There are wonderful, kind men out there. There are also men who will take advantage of you. You have to learn to tell the difference and protect yourself until you're certain that you've found someone who is trustworthy and worth your affection.

[ScarletOlive]

Babysteps, I'm so sorry you went through this. You're right, this was sexual assault and what he did was so so wrong. You tried to get him to stop without getting anyone in trouble, but he hurt you. It's okay to feel however you feel right now. Your feelings are valid. You're dealing with a deep betrayal right now, so please take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.

GeekyGirl's right, you don't have to go this alone. Talking to a school counselor or health personnel is a good idea. Or you could call RAINN's National Sexual Assault hotline number at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) or use their online hotline. You can be anonymous there too, if that helps. And we're here for you too. 

I also know that my trauma from the abuse made this more easy to happen. I tend to find guys who are "nice guys" but always end up using me somehow... .  Mostly attempting sexually (this was the first one who succeeded).

Firstly, abuse is not your fault. You did what you could to get through the trauma. Those of us who have been abused as children do have a harder time because we have to learn for ourselves who to trust, who is safe, how to set boundaries, etc. One very important thing is trusting your intuition. If something doesn't feel right to you, listen to that little voice. It's coming from sensory information to your brain and is faster than logical thinking.

Something else to hang onto is that you deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Sending you so much caring and support, Babysteps. Be good to yourself, and don't be afraid to reach out for support when you need it. 

[Babysteps]

Thank you so much both of you   I'm honestly really happy I found this board. The support I've been getting from it is outstanding.

Someone who really cares about you will respect your boundaries and not push things emotionally and physically unless you're ok with it and ONLY if you're ok with it.

Thanks, I agree. I guess what makes this difficult is the fact that he seemed like he did. We had long discussions about my boundaries. He wanted to go to some of my counseling sessions and learn how to respect them... .  Even that night, before we fell asleep (both of us awake) he would constantly ask, "is it okay if I do this, is it okay if I do this, is it okay if I do this?" before actually doing something. He has been doing that all week... .  I still don't get why he would do this later in the night. It kinda terrifies me because it makes me worry that any guy I let close to me can do this. They all say they are nice guys and respect me & ect, but I guess when in advantageous times, selfish needs covers logic :/

I've said no to plenty guys before because I sensed something wrong. Well, I normally do not let those guys get close enough to me to the point where they can have an advantage over me. With this guy, he said he's a romantic. He says how it's okay with taking slow, anything to help me because he wants me to be healthy. But I guess I was awake when he tells me all of this stuff... .  I knew he didn't only want me physically. He wanted to date me. I think that's the problem. I was worried he wanted to possess me overall, not just my body. He wants to use me as a doll for his fantasy girl or something. I don't know.

This isn't something you want to tackle on your own. This is something you need to mention to your therapist. Can you call her today, or is there someone else you can call through your school's counseling or health center?

My health center is closed on weekends, so I might try to call tomorrow morning and say I need an emergency appointment with one of the counselors-hopefully my own one. I'm worried about emailing her tonight because I know confidentiality does not work the same through emails, and I honestly don't want the school involved. I don't want my parents to know... .  That would be awful. My dad may possibly kill him-legit. My mom would exploit the whole situation as another "wrong thing in her life" among do many other stuff. She's unpredictable, so who knows what else she might do... .  

GeekyGirl's right, you don't have to go this alone. Talking to a school counselor or health personnel is a good idea. Or you could call RAINN's National Sexual Assault hotline number at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) or use their online hotline. You can be anonymous there too, if that helps. And we're here for you too. 

I actually called that hotline last night. I am in a club at my college that did a whole week with RAINN activities. It's weird thinking back then... .  I never thought I'd see myself in this position right now. I basically ranted to the person on the line about this awful year I've been having, which help me explain why I behaved certain ways during the assault. She told me that I should also look into getting counseling for the abuse, since it seems that is the main problem. She gave me a number for a center that can help with treatment with overall abuse and sexual abuse. I want to call it, but I'm not sure if it is the same confidential rules. Plus, it's all the way into the city, so I am not sure if I will be able to go to it, even if it does involve free counseling.

I guess one of my main problems is figuring out which is my intuition. Everyone says I'm paranoid and need to relax, but when I do, disaster always strikes. But I know some of my paranoia is hurting me. For now, I think I'll stick with my paranoia until I get more help and heal some more.

Thank you so much for your support once again. 

[ScarletOlive]

I'm glad you were able to call a hotline and have a plan to contact your counselor tomorrow. Your info should be confidential because you are an adult, so your parents shouldn't have to know anything you don't want to tell them.

She gave me a number for a center that can help with treatment with overall abuse and sexual abuse. I want to call it, but I'm not sure if it is the same confidential rules. Plus, it's all the way into the city, so I am not sure if I will be able to go to it, even if it does involve free counseling.

You can call with *67 to make your number hidden, and on the line, ask to be anonymous. Healing from the abuse is tough but important. You deserve to heal, and so if it's feasible, it's worth it to call.

I guess one of my main problems is figuring out which is my intuition. Everyone says I'm paranoid and need to relax, but when I do, disaster always strikes. But I know some of my paranoia is hurting me. For now, I think I'll stick with my paranoia until I get more help and heal some more.

Taking care of yourself is primary. If listening to yourself keeps you safe but gets you weird looks, it's worth it. Hang in there, hun. I'm glad writing here has helped some.

[Kwamina]

Hi Babysteps,

I remember your other thread about that guy, I'm very sorry this happened to you. What he did was wrong it's as simple as that. I understand why you might feel like you're always attracting these kind of people, but I don't believe you did anything wrong. You were clear about your boundaries and he chose not to respect them and then lie about it when you confronted him. I agree with GeekyGirl that you gotta be very careful with this guy and should try not to be alone with him anymore. You can't trust him and based on your description of the events, this guy sounds dangerous. How are you feeling now? 

[Babysteps]

Thanks a ton, all of you! I will try the *57 call. I'm actually doing pretty well taking care of myself. My professors aren't aware of what happened, but my counseling center is, and well my professors are alone being so flexible. I feel they trust me and also see how I'm normally a hard worker.

With being careful around this guy... .  I definitely am. I can be alone with him. He would never dare make  a violent move/dominating move against me while I am fully conscious. That's why I think he waited for an advantage and also tries to manipulate me. The only reasons why he was able to do that was because I allowed him to get too close to me... .  I'm not going to let anyone get that close to me, let alone him. He'd be stupid to try anything otherwise. He knows I have pepper spray on me and I also took self defense classes. It would be stupid for him to try. But I'm not going to be alone with him anymore. I can't stand being in his presence... .  Seeing him, even across the quad at night, triggers me.

I am slowly getting better, I guess. I have been crying and breaking down a lot. I got my german project video done yesterday... .  He was one of the main characters in it. We filmed it earlier that day of the assault... .  It was not easy editing it.  It is going to be even more painful when I need to watch it during my german final. I couldn't even handle watching it fully together after I finished editing.

After my counseling session yesterday, I ran into him. We were passing each other on the stairs. He stops says, "Oh Hi" and then sees the look and hears the tone of my response. He's like "Right, we need to talk, I'm an idiot." We basically have a brief conversation that involves him saying how deeply sorry he is... .  how he's an idiot... .  how he doesn't know what he was thinking... .  how he completely regrets it... .  and how much sorry he is. I told him that sorry does not fix the problem, he completely betrayed me and destroyed me. He asks what should he do then. I told him about giving me space and that I will contact him if I ever want to talk to him again. I also told him how I wanted to date him next semester, but that is definitely not happening. How what he did ruined any possibility of a future relationship, and possibly friendship. I may get to a point where I can semi-what talk to him, but I will initiate that. But to be truly friends is also not possible anymore. We will never be anywhere as close-at all.

He responds saying, "Okay,  I understand. I'll be the best type of friend you are willing to allow me to be." This bugs me so much. It's like, me allow? No. You already proved that you cannot be the friend I need. Ever. Trust is not easily gained. If he stabbed me in the back, said something nasty, ect-that alone would be hard to gain trust back and takes time. But no. He did something that is known to be one of the worst things you can do to a female, let alone someone you care about. He is not capable of being the friend I thought he was and never will be. It is not a simple situation where I am pissed off at him and need to get over it. He did wrong. He's lucky I'm not holding it against him to the degree that I thought I would if that were to ever happen to me... .  He's lucky I'm not making his life hell.

I'm struggling on. It's hard. But I'll survive. I will survive until summer, survive the summer, and survive next semester. He just better watch his back. I am not easy to push around now. I am pissed and my back bone is standing stiff now that all of the warmest he gave me that melted my heart is gone.

[Babysteps]

Update: I'm still surviving... .  I have been so emotionally unstable. But I'm getting there and the semester is almost over. But talking about my struggle on campus is not the purpose of my update: I need some more advice/insight.

In less than a week, I go home. Tuesday is the day my mom is picking me up. I already was terrified of this. My uBPDmom is moody and so is my brother. I guess my brother has been more aggressive verbally and physically since they moved into the townhouse. This is going to make dealing with the summer hard enough to begin with. The little privacy I had in my childhood house is now gone... .  

But now my summer situation is worse because of the assault. This has messed me up so much. I am moody like crazy. I go through phases of hating him/wanting to punch him and yell at him, to being depressive and hating myself, to being emotionally numb, to feeling semi-what confident and strong, to feeling completely weak and disgusted, ect. All in one day, everyday. I'm awful right now.

Now let's throw that into my home environment. It's going to be extremely difficult.

Plus, I am not telling my brother or parents about what happened... .  It will just be bad. But now I will need to deal with both of my parents bugging me about the "boys" I like. They don't know how damaged I now am. How I don't want ANY attention from the anyone attracted to me. I have a 3 and 1/2 car ride home with my mom. That's going to consist of her complaining, emotionally draining me, yelling at me, and asking about my college life and being passive aggressive about it. For someone who just got sexually assaulted... .  this is going to be horrible.

I'm worried about snapping this summer. With the trauma of the abuse, the trauma of the assault, the out-of-comfort-zone house change, and the stress my family situation is in overall, it's going to be unpleasant. I'm worried about accidentally spilling the beans about my assault to one of my parents. Or if my brother finds out, I don't want to think what he'll say. Who knows.

Any suggestions?

[ScarletOlive]

Aww, my dear Babysteps, I hear you. What you're going through is so tough.   Your reactions are normal reactions to abnormal events. Please know that it does get better, but it takes time. It's okay to feel the way you do.

For the car ride, can you get a book on CD/ipod or some music to play, or maybe just say you're exhausted and have to catch up on sleep from finals? When your mom brings up boys, maybe you could tell her that you met some and it just didn't work out. Perhaps when you're at home you can Maybe lock the door to your room for privacy? I'd highly recommend seeking free counseling through your local domestic violence shelter too. You've been through a lot, and you shouldn't have to bottle this up or be alone in this.

Keep being gentle with yourself and keep reaching out. Sending you lots of caring and support. 

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks for the update, Babysteps. I've been wondering how you've been doing this week. ScarletOlive has given you some good suggestions. 

What you're feeling sounds quite normal to me. You've been betrayed by someone that you trusted and thought had your best interest in mind. It's understandable that you're angry, and sometimes other emotions will pop up too.

What would happen if your family does find out about the assault? What's the worst-case scenario, and what can you do to protect yourself?

I agree with ScarletOlive that it would be a good idea to reach out to counseling through a domestic violence shelter or your county's health department. That's a safe place for you to talk about what you're feeling and going through.

Keep us posted on how you're doing. 

[Thunderstruck]

I had something similar happen with one of my guy "friends". We were sharing a bed in a hotel room with a bunch of other people, I woke up in the middle of the night with his hand between my legs. I know how horrible it feels and how betrayed you feel. I haven't talked to that "friend" in 4 years, basically since it happened. Friends will come and go in your life, don't compromise your values and let them get away with this garbage. You can find someone trustworthy and who will show you respect.

It is never ok to take advantage of an unconscious person. Period.