No more sex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was reading in the workshops about how one feels that under the Illness is a wonderful person, yet truly the bad behaviour is part of the core of the person. My wife just doesn't want to work on the marriage. I could at least tolerate the Dr. J & Mr. H behaviour because, she takes great care of the kids and I would enjoy some loving a couple of times a month. I hate to admit it, but having access to loving in a "kosher" way has been helpful for me to hang in. I don't believe in, sex out of a marriage.

Now that I have been cut off, I am asking myself, "What am I doing here?" She really doesn't do much for me. If she was gone today. nothing in my life would be really different, other than I would not have to deal with her negative energy.

What bothers me is the damage this does to the family. But, nothing I can do about that. Not in my control. All I can do is see how to minimize the damage. I have been working through the all the steps here, finding it very helpful.

As FatherForEver says. "I'm staying for now." But I have one foot out the door.

[vboy]

I was reading in the workshops about how one feels that under the Illness is a wonderful person, yet truly the bad behaviour is part of the core of the person. My wife just doesn't want to work on the marriage. I could at least tolerate the Dr. J & Mr. H behaviour because, she takes great care of the kids and I would enjoy some loving a couple of times a month. I hate to admit it, but having access to loving in a "kosher" way has been helpful for me to hang in. I don't believe in, sex out of a marriage.

Now that I have been cut off, I am asking myself, "What am I doing here?" She really doesn't do much for me. If she was gone today. nothing in my life would be really different, other than I would not have to deal with her negative energy.

What bothers me is the damage this does to the family. But, nothing I can do about that. Not in my control. All I can do is see how to minimize the damage. I have been working through the all the steps here, finding it very helpful.

As FatherForEver says. "I'm staying for now." But I have one foot out the door.

[Rose Tiger]

At the end of my r/s with a BPD husband, we were very much like roommates.  It was really hard to live with someone that didn't care about my thoughts, feelings or opinions.  I had to find other support, with friends, a celebrate recovery group, my counselor.  Your needs are important and she is not going to be the one to support you, the disorder just makes it impossible.  Do you have access to that kind of support?  The physical aspect may change or it may not, it certainly doesn't help to make the r/s successful, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[SuzyQ33]

hi vboy,

You are not alone in this... .  I also feel your pain!

I have recently realized my husband has uNBPD and it is such a relief after years and years of 'trying harder' to please him to realize it is not me - I am not doing everything in life 'wrong'! It is also his modus operandi to withhold all forms of affection towards me (and also towards our children). 

We are treated as casual acquaintances who mostly irritate him and whom he feels responsible for - we are such a 'burden' for him to bear and believe me he lets us know this... .   

I think in his mind, it gives him 'power' over especially me, as I am a very loving and affectionate person. 

By cutting me off from affection he seems to be 'winning his game against me'.  It is such a bad example for our two daughters - I am so afraid that they will choose partners who will do the same, or even worse turn into pwNBPD themselves... .  

I am wondering though, as with your wife - how can they see this as something worth having - meaning having a "r/s" with someone, but they only need some things when they can have everything... .  I think most of the pages have said this so clearly that we as nons give everything, and is prepared to give even more if it would help - but they do not want any of the 'good stuff' they only want the negative... .  

This is the one thing I cannot seem to wrap my head around... .  

How can they not want what makes people feel good or loved or cared for... .  like affection, financial security, spiritual guidance, emotional assistance... .  etc   =   exactly what they actually need.

Good luck vboy, you have all my sympathy.  And yes other forms of support help tremendously when you feel your needs are never met... .  but not forever.

[dickL]

uBPD me and my wife of 35yrs had a torrid, very sexual, courtship . then married, based solely on good sex even though she proclaimed she couldn't live w/out me . immediately after marriage her intense interest in sex w/me took a 180. i was an ignorant young man and was totally confounded. she felt no connection w/me and started , unknown to the trusting H , having affairs w/several men over the years to find her happiness. disaster over and over. we were intimate once every few months with little passion . i felt her hyper sexuality since age 14 had burnt her out on sex, she was sexually abused at age 4 , discovered thru meditation 3yrs ago. i was and am a very frustrated man but infidelity is not a way to get even. not my values . can't fix a damaged r/s by starting a new relationship w/out addressing core problem. i know i'm not the cold monster she portrays me as and her illness drives her to distructive behavior over and over . she refused further T and has run away to childhood sweatheart , her " soulmate " for their 3rd try . 5wks nc. she'll be back and i'm educating myself in preparation. i want to stick, i wouldn't turn away if she had cancer, i'd try to be there for her . i love her but have no control over her only me.