Had to break NC; Too bad.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I felt good the last weeks. Didn't bother too much about my stbBPDxw.

But there were some financial issues which forced me to break NC after approx 4 weeks.

Just sent a short email in a friendly voice, with a good proposal.

She refused this, did another proposal and acted right away (without waiting for my acceptance). This irritates me highly! One way = her way!

I had to ask a second thing, so I did, but I didn't make a remark about her doing things her way. I just said: 'okay', because I don't want to give her the pleasure of getting into a discussion.

This second thing is much more important, but she doesn't react. Probably she wants to NC me, because she thinks/claim I'm NPD  .

Irritated! 

[VeryFree]

I felt good the last weeks. Didn't bother too much about my stbBPDxw.

But there were some financial issues which forced me to break NC after approx 4 weeks.

Just sent a short email in a friendly voice, with a good proposal.

She refused this, did another proposal and acted right away (without waiting for my acceptance). This irritates me highly! One way = her way!

I had to ask a second thing, so I did, but I didn't make a remark about her doing things her way. I just said: 'okay', because I don't want to give her the pleasure of getting into a discussion.

This second thing is much more important, but she doesn't react. Probably she wants to NC me, because she thinks/claim I'm NPD  .

Irritated! 

[Surnia]

You handled this well, Veryscared!

Sometimes it is not possible to keep NC. Short texts/emails in a friendly tone is a good thing to handle this. 

Important is your attitude about it. Take a deep breath. Or two. 

[laelle]

I feel you did well.  You cant control her.  You can only control you and how you react to her.  You handled yourself with grace and respect.  Its her loss.

[VeryFree]

Thanks both.

Had contact after my last post.

She sounded more reasonable than the past months. Don't know where that comes from, but I prefer this (as long as it lasts). Friendly and short contact about things that have to be arranged. That's it.

[VeryFree]

This lead to daily contact via mail since thursday.

Meanwhile I learned she has stolen more money from me (not big money: give or take $500), because she had money paid into her own account, where it should be our joined account.

I'm really fed up with this kind of behavior. I just for once want to tell her the thruth:

- I now understand what was the problem with her all the time.

- I now understand my own role and will manage to avoid being in these circumstances again.

- Although I do understand her problems, I can not figure out why she treats me this way and why she had planned in advance my downfall.

- In the end it's all about honesty and self-esteem.

- I hope she will live happy ever after, even knowing her bad behavior.

- I know I will, because I can forgive and will go on.

Probably not a wise thing to do?

[VeryFree]

I could really use some advice on this one.

Daily e-mail-contact doesn't make me happy. It irritates me, because it shows me (again) she is doing what she can to benefit herself at my costs.

I really want to go back to LC (preferably NC), but I want to let her know that on a manner that it will not bite me in court. Thereby I really want to let her know that her trying to ruin me does irritate me, but has no effect on the long term: I'm building and getting stronger.

Any advice?

[Surnia]

I would feel bad about this daily contact too!

What about sending her one short email (sort of DEAR) in this kind of style:

Hi "ex"

Right now I am receiving (nearly?) every day a Email from you.

I feel very uncomfortable with it.

Please stop with it and with other kind of contacts.

It will help us both to move on.

Sincerely

"Veryscared"

And from this email on you don't answer anymore. Do you have a filter function in your mail program for junk?

[VeryFree]

Hi Surnia,

Thanks for your advice.

I understand this kind of mail, but doesn't it look like mailing from a weakness ("I can't handle your mail".

I want to mail from my own strength ("I don't care what you do, but it will come back in court. In the meanwhile I'm building back my life and growing".

Probably wanting to tell her this means that I'm not strong enough. If I didn't want to tell her that, if she really didn't bother me anymore I would be a step further... .  

Interesting thing to think about.

[Surnia]

I feel very uncomfortable with it.

Perhaps it is not the best word, take what is best for you. What I want to express is being bugged, irritated, but keep it not too negative ( eg. I am totally pi**ed) so she would not be more provoked than necessary.

About showing her to be strong: Interesting observation 

[VeryFree]

Thanks for thinking a long. I will give it some more thought.

[VeryFree]

Meanwhile I learned she has stolen more money from me (not big money: give or take $500), because she had money paid into her own account, where it should be our joined account.

I just had a phonecall that confirmed this.

I'm p*ssed off by this. Not that she has stolen from me, because that seems to belong to the process of divorcing from a BPD, but the timing:

she arranged this -without me knowing- more than a month before we seperated.

Directly after she attacked me and tried to frame me, I learned she was organizing the divorce for months allready, but this is extra prove she was very deep in it. What the heck?

How can you ask from another human being to give all his emotional best and go into T (for himself) with the ultimate goal to attend T together and at the same time prepare for a divorce by stealing from him. From the person that isn't a holy man, but has tried for ten years to stand by you?

I really really don't understand it, but it hurts!

And that is what she wants... .  me hurting. Well, she had succeeded... .  again.

But I know: this hurting will pass and soon I will see again what a very sad person she is. What she has done to me and moreover: what I have let her do!

I will see more clearly my own role in this and will never let this happen to me again. I will continu the rest of my life. I will have a good life. I will not hate her. I will just let her be.

But now:   

[LoveNotWar]

It's a roller coaster that's for sure, I'm sorry! It's amazing how that pain can overcome us sometimes! Hang in there, your goal of detaching without hate is a good one.,keep your eye on the prize... .  a good and happy life!   

With my ex, while we were arranging financial stuff, I did get to the point where I referred all financial matters to his attorney until I could deal with him without hurt or anger. He was manipulative and contrary and I got tired of trying to reason with him. His attorney was a dream and kept him in check. Of course my ex told me I owed half of his attorney bill after the divorce was final... .  

With time it does get better!

[VeryFree]

Hi LNW

Her L seemed reasonable earlier, but I don’t think I can manage it to deal with him. Should be better for both of us though. Less time, less money, REASON.

But she won’t allow that, for the simple reason that for her it isn’t a must: she doesn’t have any legal costs, lives in our house, has a monthly amount from me and knows I have to pay big time for my L, to arrange whatever I want. Besides that I think she really gets off by knowing she can influence my life now and probably the coming years.

[VeryFree]

I would feel bad about this daily contact too!

What about sending her one short email (sort of DEAR) in this kind of style:

Hi "ex"

Right now I am receiving (nearly?) every day a Email from you.

I feel very uncomfortable with it.

Please stop with it and with other kind of contacts.

It will help us both to move on.

Sincerely

"Veryscared"

And from this email on you don't answer anymore. Do you have a filter function in your mail program for junk?

Another mail came. More text than earlier mails, so more hate, more accusations.

Should I let her know that I don't agree (using techniques from this boards) or should I just let it go?

[Surnia]

Gosh, this is really annoying! 

I would go for a very short message or mail that you don't wont be bothered anymore and you will not answer her. After that it is important that you are sticking with this.

My 2 cents about it.

[VeryFree]

Gosh, this is really annoying! 

I would go for a very short message or mail that you don't wont be bothered anymore and you will not answer her. After that it is important that you are sticking with this.

My 2 cents about it.

Yes it is annoying. I decided to do nothing. In fact this is like your advice (I think). In my previous mail to her I stated, that I only continu communicating with her if it's about the practical circumstances of the divorce. Her final mail did not have anything in it that comes near to this, so I'm just sticking with my earlier words.

Kinda feels good I think.