How can you get help for a BPD wife when her own mental health team can't see it

[em754]

My wife has been diagnosed with psychiatric problems since 1986 when our twins were born, initially they thought it may have been triggered by post natal stress and lead to her first scheduling as schizophrenia. We then had a period of 8-9 years with no major problems except for lightning mood changes for the most minor reason, I learned to live with it.

Since 1995 she was hospitalised almost annually, scheduled for Bi-Polar. She would become delusional and paranoid. Admissions usually lasted 3-6 weeks.

Our sons were born in 1983 and1986, so they have been bought up with the illness and it has been hard for them. Plenty of distress from taunts about their ' mad mum'.

Our biggest problems started around 3-4 years ago after her last admittance which lasted 3 months.

I asked the hospital for extra community support for her as she became depressed. She was appointed a support worker who would help us formulate a family plan of action if she started to show symptoms of becoming unwell. The idea being early intervention to try and avoid hospitalisation.

He also encouraged her to return to work, something she had not done for over 15 years.

We had survived on one wage as we were advised that the extra stress of work might trigger an episode. We had already been threatened with legal action from one of her employers from her actions in the workplace, and I was not keen for another.

About 14 months later she started spending irrationally and her sleep patterns were disrupted, up all hours of the night, 1,2,3,4 in the morning moving things around her bedroom. I was in the spare room as she refused to have air conditioning on when overnight temps were hitting 28c.

These were two of the triggers agreed upon with her for us to raise our concerns.

Initially my oldest son contacted her support worker with his concerns, and was dismissed out of hand. I then contacted him myself and stressed our concerns.

My wife went on the offensive and said we were trying to lock her up. This whole set up was to try and prevent hospitalisation. She became aggressive, and during one disagreement she said she would destroy me, her attitude towards me started to change at that point. Threats became an everyday part of life.

She accused me of domestic violence and constantly threatened to have me removed from the house as soon as we had been to court. I left the family home to try and avoid further conflict.

We went to court and the charges were thrown out. I should have been happy, but all I felt was an immense sense of relief.

My wife had taken the bulk of our savings and put them into accounts to which I had no access.

She sold her car for half it's value and bought a brand new vehicle. She met two new girlfriends and in less than 5 months went on 3 short cruises.

I more or less begged my wife for us to reconcile and sort things out, and moved back to the family home, that was 7 months ago. I am in a downward spiral, totally lacking in self esteem and suffering depression. At a meeting at the hospital with her family and our sons we were told there is nothing wrong with her. Where to go from here. she shows no love, no empathy, and seems not to care about anyone but herself. She is 'living in the moment', something she has picked up from numerous self help cd's  Urqhart Tolle. I am no longer important in her life.

My wife blames me for her past illness, says she was never ill until she married me.

The past 12 months she has constantly made false allegations to her mental Health team about my behaviour. Narcissistic, control freak e.t.c.so much so that they believe that I am the root of the problem. She accepts no responsibility for anything in her life, it is always the other person.

I have only been aware of BPD for the past 4 weeks. I am seeing a psychiatrist for my current depression, and after a couple of sessions he recommended reading 'stop walking on eggshells', but advised me not to let my wife see it... .  I wonder why?

Currently the local community mental health unit has asked my wife to participate in a series of lectures for mental health workers, as a success story for their treatment of Bi-Polar. Where the hell do I go from here?

I realise that they are only going on what she is telling them, but what hope is there of ever broaching the subject of BPD with her. Not going to happen!

My wife has been validated by the system that is supposed to be able to see the symptoms.

I remember the hospital psychiatrists last words when we all met with him 'lying is not a mental illness' .

As I said, where do we go from here?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mamachelle]

Currently the local community mental health unit has asked my wife to participate in a series of lectures for mental health workers, as a success story for their treatment of Bi-Polar. Where the hell do I go from here?

I realise that they are only going on what she is telling them, but what hope is there of ever broaching the subject of BPD with her. Not going to happen!

My wife has been validated by the system that is supposed to be able to see the symptoms.

I remember the hospital psychiatrists last words when we all met with him 'lying is not a mental illness' .

As I said, where do we go from here?

em754,

I realize you are committed to staying with your W The quote above is alarming to me based on what you describe of your life. We call this feeling of unreality around a situation with a BPD person as-being in OZ--  and you really need to get back to Kansas friend!

I am concerned that she is draining you financially and taking you to court with false claims of DV.

Please do spend some time reading and posting on our legal board.

You do need to protect yourself from further legal problems as you try to sort out your feelings about your marriage.

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

 mamachelle

[WillSurvive420]

write a letter to her doctor saying why you disagree with the diagnosis... .  as well as going by the criteria for BPD in DSVM... .  i recently did this for my exgfwBPD.we went to couples counseling twice, and last i knew she was still seeing her on the days we went... .  so i sent her a letter telling her my ephiphany,and for her to take it into consideration when treating your loved one... .  BESIDES THAT, theres nothing you can do my friend... .  

[jedicloak]

You are in the right place. Yes, lying is technically not mental illness - but is a symptom (as is impulsive spending, mood swings, raging, hoarding money, change in sleep patterns)... .  doesn't take a MD or a PhD to figure this out.

Folks on this board understand and there are no easy answers. Where do you go from here? you ask. Well, taking care of you is first. The first thing to go out the window in this mess is self care. Sounds like you have a jump on that. See the psychiatrist. Get your check ups. Read about BPD on these boards or try the book, "Stop walking on eggshells." Do whatever is necessary to keep the children and yourself safe.

That's a lot right there... .  consider doing these things and then we'll go the next steps.

Please take care of you! Yep, it's insane - we all understand you.

[dickL]

uBPDw was seeing therapist 40yrs ago , long periods w/no pro mental health care .  always displaying BPD symptoms .several yrs ago saw therapist for years . always was situational depression and anxiety . i was never asked to join therapy with w . i called the therapist trying to sort thru it as incomplete or incorrect diagnosis . w already told therapist not to speak to deranged h . refused any further counseling getting furious if mentioned .BPD's seem very clever about using masks and deception to hide their pain making it difficult for others around them to grasp the disease and it's nature

[cska]

Yea, pwBPD do a very good job of masking their BPD when they're around other people (including therapists). When my parents met my dBPDgf, they thought she was the sweetest, quietest girl... .

One time I went w/ my gf to talk to her therapist, and her and my sides of the story were very different. She bent everything to make her actions appear normal and appropriate, and made me out to be the jerk... . So yes, no wonder BPD is hard to diagnose, pwBPD hide it really well. And most of the time they distort reality so they themselves think that they are doing the right thing and everyone around them is an insensitive jerk.

[iluminati]

First step for you is to lock up your finances, ASAP.  I'm not familiar with the family law in the UK, but you may need to contact someone to figure out your rights.  Selling marital property like that without authorization may be a legal situation.  Also, you need to be able to live and pay your bills.  That's a major issue.

Second, you need to figure out how to deal with the constant issues over her regular appearances.  Do you have regular contact with her social worker?  Does she know about the sudden trips and financial issues?  This is something that the worker needs to know about.

Third, is your wife connected with the NHS?  Just as a warning from what I've seen with people from the UK, it may be a challenge to get your wife into DBT.  I would advise doing a search on this board, and would ask the social worker as to info regarding her diagnosis.  I can't guarantee much, but much work needs to be done.

[jedicloak]

Yea, pwBPD do a very good job of masking their BPD when they're around other people (including therapists). So yes, no wonder BPD is hard to diagnose, pwBPD hide it really well. And most of the time they distort reality so they themselves think that they are doing the right thing and everyone around them is an insensitive jerk.

After reading this and considering my experience - I HAVE to wonder if this all isn't some sort of game; using these behaviors, manipulations to get what they want, deny others from seeing the truth, while hurting those around them. I HAVE to wonder if BPD less about something beyond their control, and more about meeting their own needs (albeit with poor choices of behaviors). Anyone?

[iluminati]

Yea, pwBPD do a very good job of masking their BPD when they're around other people (including therapists). So yes, no wonder BPD is hard to diagnose, pwBPD hide it really well. And most of the time they distort reality so they themselves think that they are doing the right thing and everyone around them is an insensitive jerk.

After reading this and considering my experience - I HAVE to wonder if this all isn't some sort of game; using these behaviors, manipulations to get what they want, deny others from seeing the truth, while hurting those around them. I HAVE to wonder if BPD less about something beyond their control, and more about meeting their own needs (albeit with poor choices of behaviors). Anyone?

If I had to say one thing, BPD is all about defense.  It isn't about trying to hurt others, but doing whatever it takes to avoid a situation where they won't be taken advantage of.  That's how they justify a lot of their behaviors.  It's not that they don't think their actions aren't bad as much as the alternative will be worse.  When you spend your life thinking that the world is out to get you, it's everyone for themselves.  That said, if you manage to not be a threat, you'll be fine. 

It's just that how they define threat is different that the average person.

[em754]

Thanks for all your input. Until I found this board I had not realised how many others were out there suffering, both BPD and non BPD.

I would have to agree with the comment about defence in my situation, I have always had to be the one to contact the mental health team when my wife started to suffer an episode of Bi-Polar. My wife never had any insight whatsoever when she became unwell, and always rejected to voluntarily receive treatment, consequently I was always accused of 'locking her up', for what benefit to me?

Currently she is having major problems with all members of her close and extended family, anyone that recognises symptoms of mental illness.

She is cultivating new friends who know nothing of her illness, therefore they are not a threat, 'True friends' as she calls them. They also see her as a happy outgoing individual who has been unjustly treated by family, which is all well and good until she has a manic episode and new friends run for cover.

[dickL]

em754, uBPDw of 35yrs was  well known,many friends ( they would change over years ). she ran off across country to yet another lover. returned and shut off all but 2 friends who hadn't known her for years. they "supported" her and had not " betrayed her "  , her older friends reached out to her but to no response. all defense mechanisms . certainly not healthy

[MaybeSo]

Being up all night moving things around does sound like a bi polar manic episode.

She could easily have several things going on. It is perfectly possible to have bi polar and some disturbing borderline features, too.

Mental illness is very complicated.