Seeing her with compassion

[nolisan]

 I will never forget the many hurts of my one year r/s with DF but today I am truly seeing her with compassionate eyes. That doesn't mean I total forgive her - she is an adult and is responsible for herself to get well - just as is an active alcoholic.

1. a horrific childhood - sexually abused by an uncle (or maybe her father) and a mother, with mental health problems, that didn't want her... .

2. a learning disability and awkward as a young student - bullied by other kids - she was half Sami an looked different.

3. ran away as a teen and witnessed a murder on the streets of a friend and was in two serious car wrecks.

4. married young to a physically abusive drug addict - she had enough sense to leave.

5. as a single mother of two girls one of them was sexually abused by a friends husband.

6. two dysfunctional relations with women.

7. married a Navy guy that was a drug and sex addict - said she married him to please her mother

8. lost a long term job (very structured government clerk where she felt safe) when she was promoted to management and had a mental breakdown.

9. Father in law was abusive - alcoholic mother in law died under suspicious circumstances.

10. left hubi when he had an affair.

11. about this time she was diagnosed with "complex PTSD" (which has symptoms virtually identical to BPD). She had a real hangup about being labelled as having a mental illness - she called it a mental injury.

She was also diagnosed with a non verbal learning disability and ADD/ADHD (treated with amphetamines which probably made things even worse)

12 Lived in shelters for a year - finally got an inheritance from her mother and bought her own little house in my town

13. She struggled to keep jobs and make her mortgage for several years

Then she met me - I must have looked pretty good - kind, not abusive, sensitive, sober, secure. I knew her as a friend for a year - helped her out financially occasionally and she paid me back. I came to know of her past and struggles but I didn't see her enough to see the bizarre behavior and huge mood swings.

I sure did when the relationship began - everything changed right from the beginning. She alternated from incredibly loving to emotionally abusive even in the infatuation phase. She couldn't seem to maintain constancy.

It ended 7 months ago. She was loosing her house and had a brief week where she moved in with me. Then one night she split and ran back to her abusive hubi.

She returned to pack up and I foolishly let her stay with me (no power or heat in her house). The last night she was really nasty while telling me she still loved me. In the morning i woke her up an told her to GT_O. That was the best I could do - I was full of pent up rage. I know it terrified her - it terrified ME!

That was the last I saw of her.

While I wonder how she is I have no desire to have her back - her illness was too much for me. My anger, resentment, confusion has finally fallen away. I see the parts I played (rescuing, trying to fill my voids, my codependency and sex and love addiction). I certainly could not fix or save her.

I'll never forget her - it was a year to remember. When I look at the whole thing, personally, it was a growing experience for me - seeing the light and the darkness. But I don't need that volatility in my life.

I wish her well and all the best. I don't see her life getting any easier. It is a risky life - her behavior can bring out the worst (violence) in other partners. I have compassion for her - it is sad. I hope she gets some serious help.

[mango_flower]

I'm at that stage, I think. Well, I flip flop back and forth... .

Compassion is so difficult though, because it actually hurts me to think of their pain.  I feel like it would be so much easier if I could be angry... . x

[Clearmind]

Show yourself some kindness and compassion nolisan.