People clueless about BPD

[detachwlove]

I was wondering how other people you know view & describe your BPDex?  

For me, most people in my life have no idea what Borderline Personality Disorder is.

They've described my BPDex as being "shady," "snobby" or "narcissistic."  That she wants all the attention and gets pissed if she doesn't get it.   While others will say she's the sweetest person there is and a joy to be around.  

A lot of times when I try to explain BPD to them I feel like I'm describing something even I dont fully understand.  I usually tell them to read "Stop Walking On Eggshells."  It seems the only people that "get it" are other pwBPD or someone who's been romantically involved with a pwBPD.  And therapists know what it is.  It's funny most therapists I've talked to are terrified of BPD patients.  Say it's highly untreatable with traditional therapy because most pwBPD don't trust therapists.  

BPD has actually been in the news more lately due to the Jodi Arias trial.  CNN's Dr. Drew talks a lot about it.

Basically I've never heard a good side to having BPD.  Unlike Bipolar or even Codependency there seems to be no upside.  With Borderline it's just a black hole of misery.   My belief is people with the disorder can never be happy.  Unless they get intensive DBT therapy which most people can't afford.

All I know is I feel like I'm becoming an expert in it!  Since several of my exGF's have all had BPD.  

I'm starting to fear that they are my type.  Either I seek these women out or I have a magnet that draws that them to me.  Either way right now I'm terrified of dating and gonna take a long break from relationships.   

[jrx]

I had the same question. One person mentioned the movie Fatal Attraction as something others can relate to. When I'm talking just among close friends, I use the term "psycho b_tch". (I know... .  I know... .  but they get it right away. Even the duality.)

I can't speak intelligently about relationships. But I think many people have met people who tend to date people who are bad for them. I've read more than one person on this board who has multiple exBPDgfs just like yourself. When I look at articles about BPD, it really describes the match you're alluding to.

The BPD has this uncanny ability to provide things her partner needs emotionally (and physically). It's sort of the trap. She identifies you (for example, self-esteem issues like being a giver or a hero) and you're drawn to her. At least that's been my experience, and my limited understanding of what I read.

[detachwlove]

I had the same question. One person mentioned the movie Fatal Attraction as something others can relate to. When I'm talking just among close friends, I use the term "psycho b_tch". (I know... .  I know... .  but they get it right away. Even the duality.)

I can't speak intelligently about relationships. But I think many people have met people who tend to date people who are bad for them. I've read more than one person on this board who has multiple exBPDgfs just like yourself. When I look at articles about BPD, it really describes the match you're alluding to.

The BPD has this uncanny ability to provide things her partner needs emotionally (and physically). It's sort of the trap. She identifies you (for example, self-esteem issues like being a giver or a hero) and you're drawn to her. At least that's been my experience, and my limited understanding of what I read.

A relative asked me recently why I broke up with my ex.  I said it's because she's a psychotic drunk.

I didn't feel like going into the whole Borderline PD explanation.   And my BPDex was/is a heavy drinker and drug user so it was pretty much true.  

I've always been really shy around women which leaves me single & lonely a great deal of the time.  I think BPD women are drawn to me because they see me as easy prey.   And in return I like the attention they give me & excitement.   Who else but a pwBPD will tell you after only week of dating, "I love you" and "you're the guy I've been searching for my whole life?"  It's total B.S. and manipulation.  But it made me feel good at the time.  LOL.   

[jrx]

  I was drinking a glass of water when I read "she's a psychotic drunk" and it almost didn't turn out well for my screen. I hear you though. I felt like the loneliest guy on the planet when I met my exBPDgf.

She marked me --- and then I did something really stupid. She warned me. Not about the BPD, which she denies to this day. She warned me about her emotional walls. And in my infinite wisdom, I took it as a challenge to rescue her. Who does that?

Part of me wishes that she did that on purpose, so I don't have to look in the mirror and say I played into the cycle. But in the three years I've known her, I've had plenty of incentive to figure out the answer to that question. I needed the adulation and wanted to be the knight.

Instead I'm sort of a Don Quixote who missed the windmill entirely and ran into an actual dragon. But the flip side is that I've needed to become more comfortable in my own skin. I mean, I didn't have a choice. It was either that or get buried. So in a slightly sardonic and twisted way, I should be grateful for the crash course.

[detachwlove]

She marked me --- and then I did something really stupid. She warned me. Not about the BPD, which she denies to this day. She warned me about her emotional walls. And in my infinite wisdom, I took it as a challenge to rescue her. Who does that?

Pretty much everybody on this board.  I saw my BPDex as a challenge.  That I could rescue her.  After a year I finally threw in the towel.  Now I feel like I need somebody to rescue me!  That's what pwBPD do.  They hurt others like they've been hurt.  Only they don't feel bad about it.

I'm just now realizing how intense my relationship with her was.  How much of my life revolved around her endless chaos and trying to fix it.   The end result is I feel nuttier than her at the moment.   And embarassed that I wasted so much time trying to make her happy.  But I'm 100% sure I've made the right decision.  Every day I'm reminded how much easier & less stressful my life is without her in it. 

[babyducks]

I'm just now realizing how intense my relationship with her was.  How much of my life revolved around her endless chaos and trying to fix it.   The end result is I feel nuttier than her at the moment.   And embarassed that I wasted so much time trying to make her happy.  But I'm 100% sure I've made the right decision.  Every day I'm reminded how much easier & less stressful my life is without her in it. 

Yeah I too feel like I am still on that roller coaster ride.   It is amazing how much my emotions started to mirror hers.   I too feel nuttier than her at the moment.  And how sad is that.   I have the chance and the opportunity to get better and feel happy again and I am not so sure she does.

[bb12]

hey detachwlove

yeah - very frustrating to suspect BPD but to have no formal diagnosis

a lot of threads on here in the past that discuss whether a positive diagnosis would help us heal

In my case, I think so. It would have provided a level of closure that I never got.

That being said, the journey to healing from BPD abuse became one of self-discovery as much as discovering formal psychological terms and schemas. And that's where the gold lies.

Now largely detached and feeling good, I relate to your post today very much because I do believe there needs to be education about BPD and all Cluster B conditions in the mainstream media.

I'd go so far as to have a mandatory test for it in schools. Wouldn't it be great to understand what codependency is at an earlier age? More to the point, don't I wish I hadn't chosen fixer-uppers my entire life only to be unceremoniously dropped like a hot potato when I had out-lived my usefulness.

But that is a pipedream and life is too complex to test for every ailment... .  mental and physical.

Awareness of the terminology and symptoms though would not go astray

BB12

[flynavy]

In retrospect... .  I remember my first meeting with my ex BPD/NPD gf for three hours for coffee as almost an interview.  She did know me... .  she was my wifes nurse in the oncology group where my wife was treated for 7 years.  Now that i think of it, she systematically was evaluating me for my weaknesses by looking for my reactions to her stories.  She learned i was an adult child of an alcoholic family, with co dependent tendencies... .  she played up the poor, hard working, single Mom, who has hard times with men because they are "posers"... .  her term for somebody pretending to be some one else other than who they really are... .  projection?  She did every cutsie thing a woman could do in 3 hours... .  flip her hair... .  wore a short skirt... .  giggled cutsie... .  casually would have her leg touch mine for a brief moment.  Actually told me she had a pang in her heart everytime we came in for an appt... .  but she knew she could not follow through obviously.  All on the first date!... .  I remember driving home feeling on top of the world... .  that there was another woman for me!

[delgato]

Once they start getting to know exBPD, they realize that something is "off" about her. But they don't typically know the correct terminology.

She can make friends & romantic interests quite quickly & easily. However, most people soon keep their distance. It's the ones who don't & try to continue the particular relationship, who find themselves going further down the rabbit-hole... .  and find themselves becoming more emotionally & psychologically affected afterwards.


One person described her as Bi-Polar.

I've described her to people as "Psycho Redhead." I only use the term BPD with certain people.


My mother is aware of what BPD is, as she's had to deal with a pwBPD off-and-on during her life. However, not in a romantic sense. She's helped me stay away from exBPD -- and she's correct. Thanks, mom!


I agree with what somebody said earlier: That there should be more awareness, education & help for this stuff. Apparently May is Mental Health Awareness Month, or something like that. Funny, but I'm not really seeing much of that, unfortunately. I did put something up on my Facebook page, though.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, those w/BPD are highly skilled at roping you in, as you note flynavy.  It's a lot easier to get into, than get out of, a relationship with a person w/BPD.

Agree w/you, detachwlove.  Most people are clueless about BPD because the disorder is so far out of the realm of their experience.  I recently tried to explain some of what I went through in my BPD marriage to a friend, who was incredulous.  I explained that it was all true and that I couldn't "make this ___ up"!  Then she started to get it.

With thanks to all,

Lucky Jim