I just fell in love

[fromheeltoheal]

My r/s with a pwBPD was relatively short compared to most of you folks, and I've been NC for 8 months, although I've learned that any amount of time spent with that pathology can be damaging, since it reactivates core trauma in a person wired like me, and we pour salt in each other's wounds.  And it was traumatic.

But as I've detached, I've learned about idealizing, mirroring, clinging and then devaluing, and lately have focused on mirroring. An understanding-driven person like me wants to be listened to, heard and understood, so we give off that vibe to others, and give them what we want, listening, hearing and understanding.  Our pwBPD, void of a real 'self', mirrors what they see as good in us, and assimilates it as their own, the attaching behavior being the way they make themselves 'whole'.

So that gorgeous woman I fell in love with?  That was nothing more than a reflection of exactly what I want from others, and therefore give off, wrapped up in beautiful packaging.  And couple that with my projection of my idealized traits onto her, to fill in the blanks as I try to 'understand' her as an autonomous individual, and what's not to love?  Very sad when I learned she's a half-empty soul looking for completion by being a chameleon, and what I fell in love with didn't exist.  That took some bewilderment followed by some grieving.  But I made it through.

And now the good news?  Yeah, I'm not as gorgeous as she is, but that caring, listening, hearing, understanding person I saw in her was ME.  Giving me what I really want.  Well, I love that guy.  And in the face of recent devaluations when things got ugly with BPD, the contrast is stunning.  I am good, I am doing it right, I am everything I want and need, and the only challenge moving forward is establishing better boundaries to make sure the significant other is indeed significant and 'other', not just a hollow reflection.  So thanks for that BPD, and it just keeps getting better... .  

[Suzn]

Insightful post fromheeltoheal    Thank you for sharing your journey. It's amazing all the self awareness that can come from being diligent about looking within ourselves.

[Kunoichi]

And now the good news?  Yeah, I'm not as gorgeous as she is, but that caring, listening, hearing, understanding person I saw in her was ME.  Giving me what I really want.  Well, I love that guy.  And in the face of recent devaluations when things got ugly with BPD, the contrast is stunning.  I am good, I am doing it right, I am everything I want and need, and the only challenge moving forward is establishing better boundaries to make sure the significant other is indeed significant and 'other', not just a hollow reflection.  So thanks for that BPD, and it just keeps getting better... .  

This spoke to my heart and soul. You have put into words what I have been trying to figure out for the last 19 years. When I met my BPDh I know now that he was mirroring me and then reflecting back to me my own image. I thought I had FINALLY met the man I had been dreaming of for years. All of my former relationships had been abusive but I quickly found out that they were NOTHING compared to the abuse this guy has inflicted upon me. If I had only known all of these years that I had in truth only fallen in love with myself it would have saved me years of hurt, tears and self loathing. I try not to think of the years as wasted but instead as a very valuable life lesson. I can now be the person I need and MAYBE one day meet someone who wants to share life and themselves with me instead of devouring me for their own sustenance.

[fromheeltoheal]

Isn't it cool Bellamina, that when we get ourselves reflected back to us by someone who is extremely good at it, we love what we see?  Sure, there's plenty of pain getting there, but I see that as truly a gift of BPD, to show us our good, and have it validated that it is good.  As I said, the important thing for people like me is to build and maintain strong boundaries, partly by using the new wisdom obtained in hell, so the next r/s is an upgrade and what we deserve.  Maybe nothing happens to us but for us.

[Kunoichi]

I'm a long way off from getting involved with anyone new. I'm still in the leaving phase and then of course I have to go through the healing. Although, I believe I have done most of that already simply because my H is already so void of affection and the rare times he does show it it just looks and feels mechanical. I have basically been a married single female for 18 years, if that makes sense.

I am definitely learning how to set and maintain boundaries now and it feels good, sometimes scary but all in all it's good. I have a MAJOR fear of rejection so boundaries have never worked for me as a result and I don't reach out to ppl very often for fear of being hurt but I am resolving to change that.

My hope is that when I am finally free of my H and his burdens that I can become a wiser and better version of the person I was before I met him. I'll be Bellamina 2.0

[fromheeltoheal]

Bellamina 2.0!  I like it.  Go luck to us as we walk this path.

[heartandwhole]

So wonderfully expressed, fromheeltoheal - thank you for sharing that wisdom!  I can relate very much to what you wrote.  Seems we all scour the Earth looking for what we already are 

Thanks for the uplifting message today!

heartandwhole

[Katy-Did]

What a wonderful perspective! For those of us who yearn for another to "do unto us as we do unto them", your insight regarding mirroring is especially comforting. 

I think I would add another attribute to the list:  listening, hearing, understanding and acceptance. 

An understanding-driven person like me wants to be listened to, heard and understood, so we give off that vibe to others, and give them what we want, listening, hearing and understanding. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks Katy-did; acceptance makes a great addition.

I've been learning about Jeffrey Young's Lonely Child schema, which in part suggests that people like me are understanding-driven, which speaks to me deeply; I don't feel comfortable with someone or something until I 'understand' it, and frequently feel not heard and misunderstood, and having that framed the way Young did is profound, although he doesn't include acceptance, but I need to.

[Somewhere]

And now the good news?  Yeah, I'm not as gorgeous as she is, but that caring, listening, hearing, understanding person I saw in her was ME.  Giving me what I really want.  Well, I love that guy.  And in the face of recent devaluations when things got ugly with BPD, the contrast is stunning.  I am good, I am doing it right, I am everything I want and need, and the only challenge moving forward is establishing better boundaries to make sure the significant other is indeed significant and 'other', not just a hollow reflection.  So thanks for that BPD, and it just keeps getting better... .  

Woow!

THAT IS GREAT.

You go.  Proud to know you.

[Cumulus]

Hi heeltoheal, thanks for this insightful thought, it makes sense and is encouraging. I have been liking a lot of what you post, your ideas really seem to resonate with me. I was a long time in the relationship and have much to learn about developing a normal relationship with a significant other. Like how to give and take, how to allow another into your life, really being free and vulnerable enough to do that, how to recognize neediness in another and if it means its time to get out. Anyway, I am digressing a bit off topic but this is what came to mind as I was reading.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks Cumulus.  From what I read, I think we're all in similar places on this board.  Do you feel like your r/s with a pwBPD helped you with where you are today?  I do, it seems my whole focus has shifted, and real connection with people, never especially important before, is suddenly very important, as are my acknowledgement and prioritization of my own feelings, and what I want and need from friendships and significant relationships.  It's an unsure time, but I feel like I'm on the right path, and don't think I'd be in this place if it wasn't for my BPD experience, therefore it's a blessing, one that was in a very good disguise initially.

[Cumulus]

Exactly, to the word how I feel. Funny, was just talking to a friend tonight about how relationships have become the most important thing in my life now, not the on the surface kind but the hard question and answer kind, those where nothing you say will change how I feel about you and nothing I say will change how you feel about me. Stuff, wanting, obtaining and ultimately discarding just doesn't occupy much of my thoughts any longer. I feel more complete in some difficult to describe way then before the separation. I still struggle with what is normal. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, mother diagnosed with schizophrenia, major depression, manic depression, depending on the psychiatrist and presentation of the day. Father undiagnosed but an angry and bitter man. His idea of fatherhood was to feed me, clothe me and stay out of my room at night. I left home at 17 and married my xBPDh at 19. As only those who have lived a life with a pBPD can know my adult years were full of change and turmoil. I stayed in the marriage until two years ago and it wasn't until after we separated that he received a diagnosis and I had a name for what I had lived with. But here I am now, trying to understand what is normal, how much does a normal person give in a relationship, how do you know if your partner is lying to you, how much time do you spend thinking and discussing emotional growth issues, how do you just let go and have fun, how much is being needy and how much just caring for another. Anyway it feels like there are questions I need answered but I still don't know what the question is. I think that is why I scour through these posting boards. I kind of feel like the Dr Seuss book, "Are You My Mother?" except I open a post thinking are you my question. 

[fromheeltoheal]

You've been through a lot Cumulus; you've clearly earned your seat at this table.  Congratulations on your growing!

At the beginning of the path that led me to this site I was looking for traits of a healthy relationship, and found a lot of good info and lists.  I did a little inventory on my r/s with the BPD, and we failed EVERY SINGLE trait of a healthy r/s.  No wonder I was compelled to bail.  And of course the questions arise: who's the crazy one?  Or is the situation crazy and we're both stuck in it?  I landed on my core trauma created a loaded bond with hers, creating a perfect storm.  So now I'm owning my part, and seems growth born out of pain is the most fruitful.  Doesn't need to be I guess, but usually is for me.

A friend says that we either party or we ponder, meaning when life is working we run with it, and when the wheels fall off we get busy learning a growing.  Well, the whole damn car blew up this time, and I feel a growth spurt comin' on.

":)on't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss