insists she is not BPD?

[tomjon78]

I´ve been posting here the last few days and reading a lot about BPD and trying to find the answers to help me understand the relationship I´ve had with my ex. My pschychologist and our marriage therapist say that very much indicates BPD and my Ps.cologist says he is quite sure about this. I want to share with you some the signs which I have found to be indicating this and if you can relate.

She says her T. is convinced she is not. I´ve done some checking of his qualifications and found out that there are numerous suspiciouns about him not being quite qualified.

-In the beginning of our relationship she still was contacting her former narcissistic boyfriend

-talked very openly about him and he abused her (she said) had affairs but still she took him back and even sold her house to move in with him

-accepted a lot of money from him and somehow jusitifies that in a way I don´t understand

-talked extremely openly about her former relationships and extreme sex life. Bondage and all sort of  things I didn´t want to know about

-constantly comparing me to former exes

-kept diaries and love letters in our home even though I asked her to take it away, actually the only thing I asked her to do before I moved in

-was in contact with former exes while our relationship including the narcisstic one

-accused of flirting when I totally wasn´t

-lied to my about her financial situation and I spent a lot of money and borrowed her

-had mood swings

-said I wasn´t man enough

-wanted me to be different to who I am... .  not enough like this or that!

-very jealous

-physically provocative

-contantly calling me crazy

-had a child 17 years old and stayed in an alcaholic rs.

-has broken relationship and with a few douchebags

-some former bfriends are still in contact with her

-had outrages

-when I broke up with her she couldn´t face it and has been constantly harrassing

-I feel under her control

-lost her mother 7 years old

-alcaholic upbringing

-over dramatic

-one day I´m the best, the next I´m not

-manipulative

-sexually very open

-9 years in therapy without any progress really

-belittles her threats and doesn´t see them serious

-started doing martial arts in my gym (so I quit)

-says she is adhd

-lives in the turbulent live of her friends, one is manic depressive, one is a pathalogical liar and she really is there for them and I think it is strange why she does´t hang around "healthy" people

-making me jealous

-pushing my buttons

-still has a problem of letting go of former relationships

-one day wanting space and the next wanting affection

-never content and a "dreamer"

-broke up with me but then wanted me back

What would you say... .  is this all I need to justify that something isn´t quite right?

[delgato]

In the grand scheme of things, does it truly matter?

Based on what you wrote, she doesn't sound all that healthy, and sounds like the two of you had a turbulent time together.

Isn't that all you need to know?


I think a lot of people go thru the analysis, the wondering/doubting, the questioning. Seems fairly normal to do, given what we went through.

At some point, though, the focus should eventually shift away from her, and onto yourself.

As weird as it might sound sometimes, the ending of these toxic relationships are, in some ways, an opportunity & a gift to ourselves.

[jrx]

I agree with del. I'd like to add that my exBPDgf has been to about 6 therapists over the years for various PTSD-related issues, and she likes to tell me that no one has diagnosed her as BPD. This irrationally annoys me but I'm learning to let it go.

The main issue is that she'll twist the advise of her therapists to rationalize her behavior. I also think that since her therapists are on the payroll and are not absolute masochists, they also rationalize her behavior for her to keep her coming back and to keep her from abusing them in session.

For example, she had a tendency to self-harm a few years ago. Her therapist said that if she thinks someone hurt her, she should do the same thing to the other person instead of taking it out on herself. No one wants her to hurt herself, but giving a BPD person carte blanche to take out perceived slights on another human being is completely irresponsible.

A more "qualified" therapist asked her to make a mental image of her slitting her parents' throats then repeatedly stabbing them. I don't have a PhD in psychology, but I had to live with someone who felt justified to have mental images of slaying "loved ones" and then unleash her inner demons on any correct or incorrect slight she might perceive. Both of these may be perfectly valid in psychology, but I think the advisor needs to be held accountable by living with their client after giving that type of advice.

The reason why I'm mentioning this here is that therapists have opinions. And people tend to believe the opinion they most want to hear. Given your last sentence, it sounds like you know something isn't right. Del's point about shifting the focus away from her and onto yourself may give you an answer to a question you haven't yet asked.

[LoveNotWar]

What would you say... .  is this all I need to justify that something isn´t quite right?

Yes, yes and yes! You know it wasn't quite right! 

[Clearmind]

What would you say... .  is this all I need to justify that something isn´t quite right?

I believe at this stage of your journey tomjon, you are probably not trusting a lot of what you feel and think. That is worth exploring.

That is some list huh!

[recoil]

I'd also like to point out that some therapists won't tell their clients they have BPD.  I heard this from my therapist.

I didn't ask for the reasons but to guess:

- They paint themselves black with an official diagnosis.

- They paint the therapist black for giving it to them and never return for help.

- Self harm.

- Take on even more extreme BPD behaviors because it's somehow "justified" because they were labeled.

Like Delgato said above though, does it really matter?  Toxic is toxic, no matter what the label says on the outside of the box.  I'm just coming to grips with this myself.

[VeryFree]

Mine was diagnosed with different things among them a PD. When talking about it to me or to others she NEVER has mentioned the PD, but always was talking about another more fashionable diagnose.

[hithere]

What would you say... .  is this all I need to justify that something isn´t quite right?

Something is for sure wrong with her... .  maybe it is not BPD.  And like others have said it doesn't really matter, a relationship with this person would be very destructive.

[tailspin]

tom 

It's not uncommon for someone who is mentally ill to deny their illness.  Remember, those with BPD don't just paint us black, they paint themselves black as well.  Admitting to a mental illness would result in unimaginable anxiety and shame... .  so the denial defense mechanism is activated as a shield to protect them from themselves.  Denial is essential to their emotional survival.

I agree with the other posters who say a "diagnosis" doesn't matter... .  but understanding what the heck happened to you is important.  Radical acceptance allows us to accept what we cannot understand and perhaps will never know to a certainty.  However, diagnosing our ex's with BPD or any other mental illness isn't nearly as important as understanding what compelled us to enter and stay in a dysfunctional relationship in the first place.  Once you begin to crack that nut it really becomes much less important to figure out what is wrong with them.

tailspin

[tomjon78]

Thank you all for your words... .  

I´ve been trying to see the situation also in the way not to get overwhelming proof of her "situation".

For me i´m still trying to figure out what i got myself into.

I just feel like i got into somekind of thunderstorm with some incredible sunshine in between. I still truly miss her. Our intimacy, her beautiful smile, our moments which were good. But I really would not be able to deal with the bad moments again.

As of result i´m really tired, my self esteem is low and i wish I never would have met her. But I´ve also learned a few things of course. A lot about co-dependency and how some things can be hard.

I´ve gone through a lot of hard things in my life... .  and from the outside maybe for many people it´s just easy to say just get over it... .  but it´s really really hard.

I truly love her and miss her like hell... .  

I feel depressed and full of anxiety... .  But I guess that´s normal after a relationship like this.

But one day at a time I hope I will get there... .  but I feel truly horrible and haunted by her in my mind.

[motherof1yearold]

I'd also like to point out that some therapists won't tell their clients they have BPD.  I heard this from my therapist.

I didn't ask for the reasons but to guess:

- They paint themselves black with an official diagnosis.

- They paint the therapist black for giving it to them and never return for help.

- Self harm.

- Take on even more extreme BPD behaviors because it's somehow "justified" because they were labeled.

Like Delgato said above though, does it really matter?  Toxic is toxic, no matter what the label says on the outside of the box.  I'm just coming to grips with this myself.

SO well said! wow! and citing your last bullet, I feel when BPD's are diagnosed they believe it gives them a free ticket to act any and every way imaginable- they also like to take on the mentality of "Im BPD! I can't *HELP* it!*

[motherof1yearold]

Tomjon, I am glad you are aware of the possibility that she wasn't indefinitely abused by her ex, because when dealing with PWBPD, it is more likely they are projecting and she was the one verbally , physically , or sexually abusive (or any combo.) It could be a projection, and it could be true, but I think it to not be true because of BPDers power dynamics and their absolute need to always be the victim and blame anyone and everyone in the way . (They also LOVE sympathy )

[tomjon78]

UPDATE!

I have had some peace for a few days... .  but got an email on wednesday saying she was in a rough place helping her best friend (who is a pathalogical liar facing charges for being a nurse without permission)... .  She was explaining how her husband is sticking by her side matter what and comparing it to our situation... .  that she knew she had flaws but if he could do it, why couldn´t stick by her side and that I was showing strange behaviour by not letting her know about my phonenumber and so on... .  I should start to think things from her perspective... .  then she said she would not contact me unless neccessary... .  whatever that means!

then today i got another email... .  subject MISS YOU!  she told me she missed me like hell and told me how here day has been and she missed telling me things... .  

so strange to use their situation and compare it to ours... .  and she has been full force in their situation... .  which I find strange or maybe not... .  BPD strive on dramatic situation don´t they... .  I think this is a mindgame?

[Clearmind]

BPD strive on dramatic situation don´t they... .  I think this is a mindgame?

Maybe! How can you center or walk away from the drama?

[tomjon78]

Well NC is of course the answers... .  and I´m doing a little bit better. But i bounce back in my mind now and then and start to miss her and experience myself as weak... .  but distance gives a little clarity on things... .  but I find it interesting how she says that the situation of her girlfriend is taking a toll on her... .  in my opinion it is clearly her "using" that situation to feel as a "whole" person!