Adult children testifying against a parent: Is the R. permanently destroyed?

[Vinnie]

I'm in turmoil wondering if I should have our 5 grown kids write statements to the Court in our custody fight over our S9. I'm asking the Court to reduce the number of our son's nights with BPDw,  but not cut our son off from her completely.  All 5 are willing to write statements (three are her own biological children). 

Of course they can't just "vote" for me having more time; they would have to reveal specifics about her failures as a mother; how she's been angry, unstable, detached, etc.  Of course it would devastate her to hear this from her kids.

I'm afraid this will cause a permanent severance of their relationship with their mother.  Does anyone have any experience with this?

The alternative is letting my wife have 50% custody, which she's ok with. She's high functioning, so our S9 isn't in danger when he's with her.  But when her mood swings south, there's the negativism, anger, blaming others, etc. Not to mention the guy that she left me for that she practically lives with - he's been dry for only 9 mos after 10 years of drunkenness which resulted in a 5 year restraining order prohibiting any contact with his own three children.

[ForeverDad]

IMO - The priority is the minor child and his welfare.  Generally a child that young is not quite old enough to be allowed to voice his wishes nor expected to be able to do so objectively.  You and he have another 8-9 years of court orders ahead of you.  You cannot predict how stable or unstable she or her new partner(s) will be in the years to come.

Why not be too concerned about the adult children and their relationship with their mother?  They're adults.  Hopefully they have distance and a measure of maturity to take charge of their relationship with their mother.  I suspect that allowing them to report their experiences may even be empowering and cathartic for them, helping them to see the need for boundaries and certain minimum expectations of behavior.

Of course, it shouldn't be a blamefest either, but hiding or withholding the truth doesn't help and years from now you may regret missing this opportunity for the truth to come out.

Perhaps you (and perhaps the grown children as well) can focus your strategy to be less about "reducing or blocking her time" and more about "ensuring the (limited) time she does parent is the least distressing and least invalidating for your child".  Do you see how that is phrased?  It is seeking the very same thing - reduced time and impact - but saying it in a way that focuses on your positive intent and goal.

Believe me, my court and the professionals all know my ex has serious issues but it has been very hard to get changes.  Every time I'm back in court the court does listen (a little) but the outcome is baby steps of improvement.  I should have been done with court when my divorce was final over 5 years ago in 2008.  Then I should have been done with court when I became the legal custodian over 2 years ago in 2011.  Yet I'm back in court yet again, this time seeking the majority time I was denied in 2011 due to the professionals wanting to keep taking baby-step fixes.  I filed for majority time last summer.  It will be over a year since then before we have our two days in court this summer.

Right now, at the beginning, is the very best time to get as much fixed as possible.  The court may seek to keep subsequent changes as minimal as possible, in my experience.  Please, try to avoid getting minimal fixes that leave too much out of your control or your stable influence.  It will spare you much agony, wasted time and financial expenses.

Be aware that presenting statements alone may be legally insufficient.  If she or her lawyer object, it may take personal appearances to have their information get onto the record.  As my lawyer told me, he can't cross-examine a piece of paper.

[Vinnie]

Holy cow, that's good information and invaluable advice.  I never thought about the catharsis aspect for them. No wonder they seem so willing to do this - I was scratching my head about that, but now it's starting to make sense.

Thanks so much ForeverDad.  I am going to share your experience with the kids.