I really believed we were intimate...

[leftbehind]

My exBPDbf and I cooked for each other.  We made love.  We watched stupid tv and laughed until it hurt.  We went to church together.  We sat by the river and drank beer.  We made up a rap song together.  He met my family and friends.  I met his father.  We gave each other business advice.  We supported each other's dreams.  We spent holidays together.  I thought we were intimate.  Then he breaks up with me by email, defriends me on facebook, throws out my stuff, and when I go to talk to him about it threatens to call the police on me.

I thought we were intimate.

Just needed to say that.

[Surnia]

This sucks, leftbehind! 

I can relate with it, I had it once that someone ended a longer rs with a email. I was hurt and so angry than.

And even worse in your case with threatenings about police... .  

How are you dealing with it?

[Clearmind]

leftbehind, I believe many of us thought the same - until I did some work around what imtimacy really means.

Sorry you are hurting - it does get better.

[WillSurvive420]

I know it hurts... .  i feel the exact same way... .  If God thinks your worthy, than why shouldn't you be worthy to others? You shouldn't be! its your exbfBPD loss... .  just like it was my exgfs loss... .  (really was... .  i was the best thing that ever happened to her... .  i like to think a part of her knows that, but then the other id of hers says he did it just to buy your love so he could use you for sex?(her words notmine) 11 days NC... .  longest ive ever gone without talking/texting/seeing each other... .  shes "liked" soem of my posts on fb... .  so i know she still reads my posts... .  ive blocked her off my timeline so i cant see the negative posts she posts about me... .  

[patientandclear]

Actually, the awful thing about BPD and the truth about many of our relationships with pwBPD, if we're brave enough to accept the contradictions in this, is that it may have been genuine intimacy (as much as you can have with someone with a constant inner battle going on to determine who he is and to derive some of that from you -- but I don't think that means there is no genuine intimacy involved.  As Taylor Swift (!) says, "it was rare, I was there, I remember it."  You know how it was.  It really was that.)  The problem is that BPD does not permit intimacy to endure.  It is its own problem.  The relationship becomes something precious that could be lost, triggering abandonment & loss fears that pwBPD react to dysfunctionally, by turning on the r/s itself.  More complicated, you are part of a dynamic in which the pwBPD is certain that he or she will be disappointed by any intimate connection.  Thus even when things are good, they're bad, because there is going to be a betrayal ... .  and the better they are, the better you perform as a partner, the higher the high wire gets.  Eventually you have to fall, and because they know this, their own fearful, antagonistic reaction ends up making that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So yes.  You were intimate.  That was the whole problem.

I know that's awful.  It truly is.

[flynavy]

First, let me say that I feel your pain!  My ex is a combination BPD/NPD so the NPD may throw a different twist on their mindset.  The extensive research I have ben doing over the past 6 months indicates to me that because this is a mental illness broadly brought on by some emotional trauma at the child stage, they remain in the timeframe... .  emotionally!... . Trying to mask that pain/trauma/and resulting low esteem and emptiness.  Thus they are incapable of Love and Intimacy although they crave it deeply.  It is all about Intensity... .  not intimacy.  Everything they do... .  say... .  lie... .  is to get you to love them.  Unfortunately, we DO love them.  The sex is usually over the top and escalates for a reason.  This is the highest form of intensity for us and thus the best drug to hide the pain.  Yes my knew that is what I liked... .  the drives to no where... .  stopping for walk... . holding hands... .  kissing anywhere... .  just seeing her cutsie smile.  The light bulb went on for me when I went to the airport to surprise her... .  and she was holding hands with her old/always boyfriend with that same cutsie smile... .  did i really look that mesmerized when I was with her... .  YES... .  BPD/NPD women/men are crafty, deceitful, masters of manipulation.  So IMHO... .  there really never was intimacy... .  this is what makes it really hard to detach... .  because the attachment was quick, intense and all orchestrated.  Hurts bad when you realize you were all in and they weren't in at all!

[really]

Left behind

Understand those thoughts fully.  I've needed to say those things many times myself

My ex (gf) did similar things. 

Except she did call the police and i spent several hours locked in a cell as a result of her allegations of me harassing her.  Never wen near her.  Hadn't spoken to her for months. Bad sent some emails asking for honesty and closure and nothing more.

Was the most humiliating experience of my life.   Some 8 months on I still can't fathom it other than to realise there is no way of rationalising the acts of someone who acts out the result of childhood trauma by hurting the people who get close.

Hurt like hell but no way of rationalising it.   I was the most amazing in the world and then was cast aside by text hours after yet another discussion about the family we were going to have.

[lhd981]

leftbehind:

Such a simple and honest sentiment, it stung to read. I'm so sorry. 

My BPD exgf and I would drive around holding hands and grinning. We'd frolic through nature. I met her mother and closest friends. She met mine. We lived an hour away from each other but I would stay over on weeknights just so that I could have the joy of her falling asleep in my arms. I'd wake up at 5:00 am to make coffee and leave her a love note every morning. We grinned and kissed each other when we hung up his and hers towel hooks in her bathroom. We talked about supporting each other's ambitions and dreams. We would look at each other and smile at times - knowing that we knew how the other felt.

Then she betrayed my trust and assaulted me.

I thought this was intimacy as well.

Yeah, I know how much it hurts, believe me.

[leftbehind]

thanks so much to everyone that was kind enough to respond.  I guess I'll never know what parts were real intimacy, and what parts were him needing to mask his pain by creating relationship intensity.  What parts were the intimacy triggering his abandonment issues... .  etc. 

I think I need to try and move on to not thinking about him so much.  Not sure I know how to do that.  Is there a link on this site to any workshop info around that?  What have others done to try and retrain their brain to not obsessively keep going over the relationship, and all that was lost?

[babyducks]

Actually, the awful thing about BPD and the truth about many of our relationships with pwBPD, if we're brave enough to accept the contradictions in this, is that it may have been genuine intimacy (as much as you can have with someone with a constant inner battle going on to determine who he is and to derive some of that from you -- but I don't think that means there is no genuine intimacy involved. know this, their own fearful, antagonistic reaction ends up making that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So yes.  You were intimate.  That was the whole problem.

I know that's awful.  It truly is.

I am with patientandclear, in my relationship there were moments/periods of intimacy and love.  My Ex has worked on her issues in therapy and made some great progress.   I had worked on my codependency issues and made some pretty good progress myself.  The highs moments of the relationship were very high, and the lows were very low but the stuff that was in the middle,  the just good stuff, like making eggs for breakfast on a Saturday morning is what I miss to the point of tears now.

[leftbehind]

& PatientandClear, thank you for reminding me that this is an illness, with fear of intimacy as one of the major symptoms. It helps me take it all less personally.

& Really, thank you for sharing your experience with your ex calling the police.  I think the threat of that from my ex was what allowed me to go drastic "no contact"  So in a way, his threat (from someone who supposedly loved me a couple of weeks prior) was what tipped me off to the fact that there may be a mental disorder on his end.

[leftbehind]

Babyducks, I know!  I used to make him meatloaf (his fav), and I would get so freaking happy watching him eat.

[asher2]

patientandclear... .  your analysis is right on and a good reminder for me. Like many, the hardest thing for me to get my head around after the craziness of our breakup was "What did all of it mean? Was it all a lie? Was a duped that badly?" The answer, as you stated so well, is yes and no. The relationship was as true as it could be. As I've said before about my ex, any relationship she is in, she will always get in the way of herself. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for the guy she left me for. It is a cycle that will repeat itself over and over with her.

I'd like to think too that there is a part of her that knows she's "dangerous". I'd like to think that she saw how incredibly hurt I was by her actions at the end of our relationship and instead of further stringing me along, the most loving thing she could do was disappear after we broke up (like many others, she had someone else already lined up and immediately moved on to him). I'd like to think this was her thinking, but it probably had more to do with deep shame within her from not just how she treated me, but probably every other guy before me. I'd like to think her disappearing act was out of love, but most likely it was out of shame for a life of dishonestly and immorality.

How awful it must be to have this inner struggle in your head all the time. I've learned not to try not to be angry at her and instead look at her as someone who needs a lot of help and has a serious mental illness.

[Siamese Rescue]

I relate to you so closely. Tomorrow will be two weeks since my life changed and it exploded. No contact. I feel like I've been skinned. I feel like a cat that has been skinned alive and is laying on the side of the road waiting for someone to rush me to a vet to be put to sleep. 7 years, vacation nine days before... .  It's a pain I don't think I'll ever get over.

[Bach Cantatas]

We all find it so hard to understand the dynamics of such a relationship as on conclusion we have little to compare it to. I find that it helps to remember that although the sad state of affairs started for us when we met and first engaged, that point was really a stage in a much longer sequence of events that started far far earlier and sadly will likely continue far into the future. I have found the resources on this board and on others to be very helpful in realising this and giving much peace of mind at low moments.

[marbleloser]

"So yes.  You were intimate.  That was the whole problem"

Exactly! Intimacy is the trigger for someone with an attachment disorder.

[leftbehind]

Bach Cantatas - that is a good point and it does help.  I was only a link in the fence, but the fence was forged long ago, and many more links will be added after me. 

I had a dream last night that he came to me and reached out for sex.  I asked him if that would mean we were back together.  When he said no, I said I'm sorry then I can't.  He had cut his foot on a piece of glass and I was putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding.  Then I got up to get him a bandage.

We were hanging out and a friend of mine was suddenly in my dream with us.  She had made a documentary and I asked my ex if he'd like to watch it with us.  He was planning on spending the night anyway, but knowing I wouldn't sleep with him.  Suddenly as I was talking to my friend I realized he just up and left, and was already driving away in his car.  My friend said "he left without saying goodbye."

I interpret this as meaning that at some point when he's bleeding from the loss of another relationship, he may contact me for sex.  But it won't mean we're back together, even if he tries to say it will.  He will just be using me as a bandaid for his pain.  And if I don't give him what he wants (and even if I do?)  he'll just up and leave again with no advance notice.

These BPD persons really can't help but act on their tiniest of whims, can they?

[patientandclear]

Leftbehind, first, I want to say that something about your story and the way you relate it just cuts to the bone for me.  Lots that is similar to my own experience.  Just the complete senselessness of it all I guess; but your reaction reminds me of me.  I'm so sorry.  I know how hard this is.

I have had many similar dreams about my ex since it all fell apart.  They've been astonishingly good guidance about how it goes with him.  In one of mine, we went together to a festival, something we did a lot when we were together.  In the dream, we were having a wonderful time.  I was so happy we were back together.  I left at one point to get food, which took me a few minutes more than I expected.  When I got back -- he was just gone.  Like in your dream.  He'd just -- left.  No note, no explanation.  I drove my his apartment and sure enough, he was there, sitting at his desk at the window, working.  He wouldn't answer the phone or the doorbell.

I had another where we reunited and had sex.  I again left his apartment for a bit to do something necessary.  When I got back, he'd fallen asleep.  When he woke up, he seemed completely confused to find me there.  Like he didn't quite remember who I was.  He was pretty friendly and warm, as if he was thinking "um, OK, she seems nice, why not let her stay?"  But it became clear I was really not part of his idea of his life or future, or even the rest of his day.

I had these after I'd reconnected with my ex as intimate friends.  He was always acting as though I was terribly important to him ... .  my dreams were, I think, my subconscious or superego warning me that all is never what it seems with him.  He is performing for me while we are together ... .  it is always vastly more complicated, and I am only seeing a small piece of the truth.  I guess that is my real answer about the intimacy too.  That piece that they give us -- I think it is real.  It is just very very far from the whole picture.

[patientandclear]

He had cut his foot on a piece of glass and I was putting pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding.  Then I got up to get him a bandage.

***

I interpret this as meaning that at some point when he's bleeding from the loss of another relationship, he may contact me for sex.  But it won't mean we're back together, even if he tries to say it will.  He will just be using me as a bandaid for his pain.  And if I don't give him what he wants (and even if I do?)  he'll just up and leave again with no advance notice.

Your dream and his injury remind me of a Norah Jones song, Broken, that has always seemed to me to be about my BPDex:

He's got a broken voice and a twisted smile,

Guess he's been that way for quite awhile,

Got blood on his shoes and mud on his brim,

Did he do it to himself or was it done to him?

People think he don't look well,

But all he needs from what I can tell,

Is someone to help wash away all the paint,

From his purple hands before it gets too late.

I saw him stand alone ... .  under a broke street light,

So sincere ... .  singing silent night,

But the trees were full ... .  and the grass was green,

It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

[leftbehind]

patientandclear, I am right with you about the dream guidance.  It may not be what we want to hear, but usually it is so crystal clear. 

I've had a dream post breakup where I was with my ex and he was missing rows and rows of teeth.  I interpreted that to mean that there was huge gaps in his stories (lying).  Also that he was fundamentally unhealthy, with misplaced priorities (what could be more of a priority than getting your teeth fixed?)

I had a dream where I missed him so much that I tried to crawl into bed with him, only to find another woman in bed with him.  Later in the same dream the girl (who was in her twenties) was telling all her same age friends, "He says he wasn't with her (meaning me) when we got together."  I could tell she didn't fully believe him.  Proof to me that he was most likely scoping out the next one while we were still together. 

In another post breakup dream he was sleeping, and when he woke up started to verbally abuse me.  I only saw him get mean post breakup, but the dream is alerting me to the fact that I didn't know him as well as I thought.

Yeah, dreams are often our guiding stars, right?

thank you so much for again validating my experience by sharing your own

[leftbehind]

and thank you for the song quote!  so fitting.

[Deleted]

Leftbehind-   

I totally understand your pain. I too " was intimate" with my exBPD. We would shower together, cook for each other,  do really weird but funny things with and to each other, joke, stay up all night and fall asleep on the couch holding hands. I'm torn with what to believe about BPD at times. But I do think (as one member stated on this post) the closer we get the more of a threat we are and it scares them. They want to be loved but they make it impossible for themselves to have it. It's nothing that YOU did on the contrary, it was him and it hurts. He's scared- think about a child acting out of fear and impulse all sort of rational thinking flees from the mind. In my case, my exBPD fed just enough information to her friends and acquaintances but to me as a boyfriend? i knew almost everything (part of it was because she lacked boundaries) and that scared her. Me knowing about her knowing who SHE truly is freaks her out - scares her that I might reject her. Whenever things were good she quickly did something to create drama and chaos. They fear it and it down right sucks! . I wish you the best of luck and i pray that you find the strength to move forward from this!