Put on display

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anyone else get pressured to attend functions with their BPD parent? My uBPDmom is constantly trying to rope my wife and I into her social activities. My wife has set more firm boundaries on this, but I'm having difficulties.

My uBPDmom actually bought us tickets for her Church's fundraiser without even telling me, and then I felt like I had to go. My wife got out of it by faking sick.

I think my uBPDmom has me attending is to put me on display as more of an extension of herself than me as an individual. She is irritating to be around with her fake smile and social anxiety. The whole occasion was boring and awkward for me.

One depressing thing was seeing tables full of big happy families, enjoying each other so naturally. I couldn't wait to get out of there. :P

[isshebpd]

Does anyone else get pressured to attend functions with their BPD parent? My uBPDmom is constantly trying to rope my wife and I into her social activities. My wife has set more firm boundaries on this, but I'm having difficulties.

My uBPDmom actually bought us tickets for her Church's fundraiser without even telling me, and then I felt like I had to go. My wife got out of it by faking sick.

I think my uBPDmom has me attending is to put me on display as more of an extension of herself than me as an individual. She is irritating to be around with her fake smile and social anxiety. The whole occasion was boring and awkward for me.

One depressing thing was seeing tables full of big happy families, enjoying each other so naturally. I couldn't wait to get out of there. :P

[Levi78]

I think my uBPDmom has me attending is to put me on display as more of an extension of herself than me as an individual. She is irritating to be around with her fake smile and social anxiety. The whole occasion was boring and awkward for me.

One depressing thing was seeing tables full of big happy families, enjoying each other so naturally. I couldn't wait to get out of there. :P

Wow, you could have written this bit for me!

Besides the occasional cousin's wedding, I don't get roped into these public events anymore. Being around normal folks with my uBPD mom was always excruciating. It got far worse with old age. She's silly, nervous and fake; I feel like I'm babysitting her.

[GeekyGirl]

I think that "being on display" feeling is very common--I know I've felt like I was something for my parents to show off when I was a child and young adult. It probably has something to do either with the need for validation and company (that fear of abandonment) or NPD traits ("Hey everyone! Look at my incredible kid!". Either way, I can relate to what you said, issheBPD.

It can be really hard, to your point, to be around tables of big happy families. It's only natural to want to be in a loving, supportive family. How do you handle that now when you go to functions?

[isshebpd]

I think that "being on display" feeling is very common--I know I've felt like I was something for my parents to show off when I was a child and young adult. It probably has something to do either with the need for validation and company (that fear of abandonment) or NPD traits ("Hey everyone! Look at my incredible kid!". Either way, I can relate to what you said, issheBPD.

It can be really hard, to your point, to be around tables of big happy families. It's only natural to want to be in a loving, supportive family. How do you handle that now when you go to functions?

I think my uBPDmom wishes she had a great big happy family too. She talks to women her age at her church who have several grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. She is always trying to get my wife and I, and my sister's family, to come to her religious/community events. This would show she had some success, I guess.

Its a bit late for her to regret her poor parenting :P

Myself, I try to feel happy for people who grew up in relatively functional, loving families. The good thing is I think I have that in my relationship with my wife... . and I'm trying with my FOO. I need to accept that I can't change the past.

[stellaris]

I can definitely identify with this - it's like my mom was proud of me as a possession, not as a person.  The best way I can describe it comes from the movie Coraline... .

-----------

[the other mother] said, "You know that I love you."

And, despite herself, Coraline nodded. It was true: the other mother loved her. But she loved Coraline as a miser loves money, or a dragon loves its gold

-----------

Definitely a very helpful movie to watch and understand the BPD dynamic.

[TenaciousMe]

This is very familiar to me too as daughter of an BPDm with TONS of NPD traits... . Sometimes I don't know where the BPD ends and the NPD begins.

It was only after I had my own daughter -- and watched my mother use her as an ornament at family gatherings, dressing her up like a doll, getting frustrated when she acted like a living, breathing child -- that I began to acknowledge my own role in my mother's life.

As soon as I started to assert myself, creating an identity that conflicted with the identity BPDm wanted to see in herself, I became more and more invisible to her.

As I understand it, one of the traits of NPD (and perhaps some pwBPD?) is the inability to see others as separate from the self. And they themselves possess a self that is so fragile as to be virtually hollow, creating the necessity for personae. In essence, they have no authentic self. And cannot fully recognize it in others.

[rise_up]

yes, 100%.

it was very much the case as a child... . where i felt absolutely no choice but to comply with going on a shameless parade. my uBPD mom frequently criticized how i walked and my posture and my choice of clothing. she said i was not feminine enough, did not wear enough jewelery. she took me to a salon to get my legs and arms waxed when i was 8... . one of the most traumatizing and instrusive moments in my childhood.

visiting our extended family for weddings was the worst. get outrageous clothes fitted at the tailor... . my mom spinning me around, pulling my arms here and there... . i felt like an object. then when it was 'show time' she would shower me with praise and compliments... . i ate it up as reward for complying... . what she was really seeing was an image of herself.

she says things with the best of intentions... . "can i try this makeup on you? can i do your hair today? be my little doll... . "

i've meandered around it saying i dont have time enough that she is now doing this to my sister-in-law... . who is loving it. that's fine with me.