Crisis talk... help required

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new to this forum and will try to keep my story brief.

My partner has BPD and it has been having an effect on our relationship for months now.he has the odd good day but goes through periods of ignoring me and is always verbally abusive when I try to talk about our relationship or try to advance my point of view.I love him very much but am being made to feel like I am the cause of his problems.We have been together for a long time and have been dealing with BPD for about 9 months.

Nothing I do is right and he seems to have a total lack of empathy about my feelings.I tell him all the time that I care and that I am here for him but he has withdrawn totally from me.He will sometimes tell me of his feelings but seems not to want to accept that I still want to be with him.he expresses his (irrational )views on our relationship but I am not allowed to express mine... .  he gets angry when I won't see things in the same negative way as him He just won't talk to the extent that I feel we should be as a couple.

Today he texted me to say that he still had feelings for me but "couldn't give me what i wanted".I asked if we could talk.He asked what I would want to talk about and stated that he can't handle any "deep" conversations.He said that he wouldnt engage in introspective debate anymore  for self preservation reasons.I honestly don't know what that means.I love him and want to understand him... .  but I find it difficult to say the right thing.

I guess I am asking a question that it impossible to answer but what should I do/say when we meet?can anyone give me any advice as to the correct appraoch to take?I feel unsure as eveytime I try to tell him he is cared and valued he turns it around.I know he is suffering and don't want to add to that but nor do I want to give up on him.

I would be grateful for any thoughts.I have not had experince of BPD before and am defeated by constantly having negative interpretations put on everything.I know he loves me but he seems incapable of showing it.Please help!

[Nearlybroken]

I am new to this forum and will try to keep my story brief.

My partner has BPD and it has been having an effect on our relationship for months now.he has the odd good day but goes through periods of ignoring me and is always verbally abusive when I try to talk about our relationship or try to advance my point of view.I love him very much but am being made to feel like I am the cause of his problems.We have been together for a long time and have been dealing with BPD for about 9 months.

Nothing I do is right and he seems to have a total lack of empathy about my feelings.I tell him all the time that I care and that I am here for him but he has withdrawn totally from me.He will sometimes tell me of his feelings but seems not to want to accept that I still want to be with him.he expresses his (irrational )views on our relationship but I am not allowed to express mine... .  he gets angry when I won't see things in the same negative way as him He just won't talk to the extent that I feel we should be as a couple.

Today he texted me to say that he still had feelings for me but "couldn't give me what i wanted".I asked if we could talk.He asked what I would want to talk about and stated that he can't handle any "deep" conversations.He said that he wouldnt engage in introspective debate anymore  for self preservation reasons.I honestly don't know what that means.I love him and want to understand him... .  but I find it difficult to say the right thing.

I guess I am asking a question that it impossible to answer but what should I do/say when we meet?can anyone give me any advice as to the correct appraoch to take?I feel unsure as eveytime I try to tell him he is cared and valued he turns it around.I know he is suffering and don't want to add to that but nor do I want to give up on him.

I would be grateful for any thoughts.I have not had experince of BPD before and am defeated by constantly having negative interpretations put on everything.I know he loves me but he seems incapable of showing it.Please help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Hi NB!  

Wow, this is the rare instance where I think there actually is an easy answer to your question.  Not saying it is easy to implement, though.

Your relationship is in dire need of validation.  I'm sure you need validation from him but that probably will rarely happen, but I meant more that he needs validation from you.  He needs you to hear him.  He needs you to accept that his feelings are his feelings.  He needs you not to implicitly tell him he is wrong/crazy/broken/can't see things right when you counter his bad feelings with your positive ones.

I know it is counter-intuitive.  We want to reassure people who are feeling bad.  But weirdly, reassurance is not reassuring.  Conversely, being told that their feelings are understandable feels good.  It's soothing and calming.

You can read a lot on this site about validation.  I'm not the best at it, and I've done plenty of invalidation in my r/s, for sure.  I wish I'd been more thoughtful about it many times.

Good luck!

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for that advice... .  it made me realise that (for all of the right reasons) I have been doing all of the wrong things.I am going to read as much as I can on validation in the hope that things don't go the way they normally go.I am nervous everytime I open my mouth anyway... .  but I suspect this is one conversation where it is super important to be equipped with as much knowledge as possible... .  this is hard! :'(

[waverider]

Best path when attempting these discussions is not to offer solutions or try to convince them that their perceptions are wrong or groundless. this invalidates them (even though you dont mean it) and makes them feel as though you are dismissive of their thoughts.

Listen and ask questions about how deeply they feel these things, if they know what triggers these things, and that you imagine it must be hard to feel this way.

In short try to gain insight into their thoughts, not fix them.

A common method to use is SET look under "lessons" to the right>>  but start off by leaving out the T part of it until you have worked out how it operates, as T used wrongly can overturn the good done by S & E.

If in doubt less is more