Mother's Day... Hmph

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good Morning!

With Mother's day coming I am confused and having a lot of feelings.  This is the first Mothers day in 31 years I will not be spending with my mom.  Part of me has feelings of guilt, especially because I know that my Step sisters are not doing anything with her, and I have always been the one to plan Mother's day and make sure that uBPD mom has a nice day (even though no matter what I seem to do there is always some complaint).

With that being said, my Husband has planned a lovely day for me and his mom and I am very much looking forward to Mother's day being about me for once.  I realize this sounds selfish, but I always focus on my mom for mothers day and usually end up upset because nothing is ever good enough.  She will say Thank you, but there are always "suggestions" of how it could be better, or in Last years case an all out rage 3 days later, because we went off with the kids for a little bit so we could spend some time with them as a family.  I am looking forward to a drama and stress free day for once.  But the guilt keeps creeping in.

I have decided that I am going to mail a card, from us and one from the kids, but I can not find anything that does not seem fake.  So I plan to get a "for anyone" card but I am stumped as to what to write in it?  I also am having a problem with the Grandma card to get as well.  Please help!

[donniesgrrl]

Good Morning!

With Mother's day coming I am confused and having a lot of feelings.  This is the first Mothers day in 31 years I will not be spending with my mom.  Part of me has feelings of guilt, especially because I know that my Step sisters are not doing anything with her, and I have always been the one to plan Mother's day and make sure that uBPD mom has a nice day (even though no matter what I seem to do there is always some complaint).

With that being said, my Husband has planned a lovely day for me and his mom and I am very much looking forward to Mother's day being about me for once.  I realize this sounds selfish, but I always focus on my mom for mothers day and usually end up upset because nothing is ever good enough.  She will say Thank you, but there are always "suggestions" of how it could be better, or in Last years case an all out rage 3 days later, because we went off with the kids for a little bit so we could spend some time with them as a family.  I am looking forward to a drama and stress free day for once.  But the guilt keeps creeping in.

I have decided that I am going to mail a card, from us and one from the kids, but I can not find anything that does not seem fake.  So I plan to get a "for anyone" card but I am stumped as to what to write in it?  I also am having a problem with the Grandma card to get as well.  Please help!

[GeekyGirl]

I have decided that I am going to mail a card, from us and one from the kids, but I can not find anything that does not seem fake.  So I plan to get a "for anyone" card but I am stumped as to what to write in it?  I also am having a problem with the Grandma card to get as well.  Please help!

This question comes up a lot here around Mother's Day and Father's Day! What I do is send a card that's simply stated (I love that Hallmark offers those). I personally never could stand the uber-mushy cards, because... .  well... .  that's just not me.

I'd write something heartfelt, "Have a wonderful day," and keep it as simple as you'd like.

Otherwise, remember that this day is as much about you as it is your mother--so try to relax and enjoy what your husband is setting up for you. 

[isshebpd]

Every Mothers Day, I hang two baskets of flowering plants on uBPDmom's front porch. I just put a note on one saying Happy Mother's Day. She's quite happy with that.

[nomom4me]

I had a friend who is a florist drop off a plant for my mom couple years ago, my mom told me that a sibling always gives her a plant. No thanks, as usual. This was prior to establishing LC boundaries with my mom.  Now that I have boundaries, one of them is no written contact, my mom has already written me a novel in letters (and is itching to write me a sequel) so something as simple as sending her a card could create a situation where would be demanding my mailing address.  It's not fair to mail her and not let her mail me, so I don't send cards. If I wanted to drop something off without being sucked into her world for hours I would have to do it in the middle of the night.  I might try to leave her a voicemail,  I've recently learned that she replays my voicemails to my siblings so I'm not sure how I feel about leaving one.  I might try blocking my number, I think she refuses to pick up when she sees my number.

If you can send a card or drop off a gift without engaging in crazy, I honestly envy you.

[isshebpd]

Since Mother's Day always falls on Sunday, and since they are practising Christians, I deliver the plants while they are in church. They don't get back until about 1pm, so I have lots of time. 

[GeekyGirl]

Since Mother's Day always falls on Sunday, and since they are practising Christians, I deliver the plants while they are in church. They don't get back until about 1pm, so I have lots of time. 

LOL... .  that sounds like a plan!

[donniesgrrl]

I am going to send a card out today, I spoke with my sister yseterday and apparently no one is doing anything with her for Mother's day.  My Sisters are step sisters and their mom is in town and since her and I are not talking at all at the moment, she will be alone. 

Do I feel guilty and somewhat bad? Yes, but I also realize that this is her own doing, we could have spent some part of Mother's day weekend with her, if she could accept that we are not going to have this long drawn out conversation where she can dump on me and make me feel like crap so she can feel better.  My sister is upset because apparently my Step dad, her dad is laying the guilt on her pretty thick.  I told her yesterday that she is not responsible for uBPD mom's feelings, by getting upset she is allowing them to control her emotions and there by achieving exactly what she wants.  "well if I am not going to have a nice day, no one will"  That has been, is, and will always be her MO.

So while I feel bad I also realize that I gave her an out if you will, I told her we can move forward without the conversation, because really it is more just an emotional dump session in which she will tell me all the horrible awful things I did to her, and rage at me, and I will walk away feeling like garbage.  The conversation will go in circles for hours, and take time away from my family, which is precious to me.  But she is choosing to stay stuck, I do realize that her illness is the main cause of that and it makes me sad, but her inability to respect my boundaries about no longer emotionally dumping on me, and raging at me for some imagined crime I committed against her, is not my fault.  I did what I could do and what was inside my comfort zone, so I will send the card and go to bed knowing I did the best that I could... .  even though it still sucks sometimes.

[skinny13]

Every Mothers Day, I hang two baskets of flowering plants on uBPDmom's front porch. I just put a note on one saying Happy Mother's Day.

issheBPD, that is an awesome way to handle Mother's Day. And a lovely gift too.

donniesgrrl, I think it's great that you are going to send a card and stay true to the boundaries you've set up.

I am also sending a card and my uBPD/NPDm, as per the usual, reacted to my news that my husband and I would not be coming for Mother's Day by doing the passive-aggressive silent treatment thing and it only confirms that I made the right choice.

The thing is, with so many of these BPDers, it's never enough anyway. We could all twist ourselves into pretzels to provide the perfect Mother's Day (ignoring anything we or our own families need), and it wouldn't matter. The glass is always half empty and we'd still be attacked for whatever we didn't do. 

I gave up enough holidays to my uBPDm and endad before I saw the light. Now I try hard to stick to those boundaries. I give them 1 holiday a year, and visit on 1-2 random weekends, and we stay for 48 hours or less each time. Just long enough to keep things civil. It's sad, but it's either that or no relationship given my mother's behavior (and my father's enabling of that behavior).

[XL]

One of the enmeshed fixer siblings has already purchased $400 worth of presents and will be "signing my name on them." And it's too awkward to be like "Really. Don't." 

[isshebpd]

Thanks to my sister, Mother's Day is suddenly a family event at our parent's house

And I'm organizing it with my enDad 

At least, my uNPDbro won't likely be there as he's out of town.

I view this as an opportunity to build my boundary-setting skills 

[donniesgrrl]

Thanks to my sister, Mother's Day is suddenly a family event at our parent's house

And I'm organizing it with my enDad 

At least, my uNPDbro won't likely be there as he's out of town.

I view this as an opportunity to build my boundary-setting skills 

Good Luck! I know that scenario, I was always tasked with Planning Mother's day, My en Step dad, usually called me and said so what are you planning for uBPDmom... .  never was it "so what can DH and I do to make it a nice day for you too".  of course he always did this so if things went to Sh*t he could pass the buck... .  coward

[mindfulness]

To put your own needs in front of your mother's is not in the least bit selfish. It's normal. She's the parent, not you! It's hard not to feel guilty, I think guilt is the predominant feeling we are all struggling with now, as I've noticed from a lot of the posts about mother's day. It has been eating me alive this past week. So hard to overcome. But you did absolutely 110% the right thing. Honoring yourself and your own feelings, doing what feels good for you in spite of how she may or may react... .  this is what it's all about when dealing with a BPD parent. You are doing great, sounds like you had a wonderful, healthy mother's day that you never could have achieved with your mother. I know you feel guilty, but try to remember that no matter what you did she would have been unhappy. Also, she spent mother's day alone because of her own actions and choices -- not because you're a bad daughter. Stay strong!