Trying not to succumb to the anger and control?

[4now]

Hello,

I am posting this, as sometimes in times of conflict, I lose all sense of reality and can't make heads or tails of what is going on.  I would appreciate any insight and I apologize if this is rambling or seems disjointed.

I won't go into a ton of detail as it really doesn't matter too much.  Things started with Mother's Day, no surprise there, right?  Anyway, uBPDh said something hurtful and set the stage for him not needing to do anything for me for Mother's Day.  He "had" to work because of poor planning and lack of boundaries on his part, but I was trying to be super understanding, but I am human and couldn't help feeling disappointed.  Anyway, the day ended with him "trying" to do something special for me, but according to him he'd moved heaven and earth and I should be eternally grateful. 

I have been struggling with this, but am trying in my own way to deal with it and get over it as well as some other things from the recent and not so recent past.  The problem is that I can't have my space to do it at all without him reacting and making things worse.  It's like he senses me withdrawing and trying to have space and he has to escalate the situation and make it into an argument. 

I guess this is where I need the insight.  When I have tried expressing what I am feeling he either A) doesn't let me finish my sentence or thought at all without talking over me, or B) gets angry and storms off, or C) these happen in succession.  There simply is no communication.  He can't listen to what I say at all.  If I want to talk about the weather, he's fine.  Dealing with an emotion or something that happened is not okay.  So if I can pretend like everything is fine, we can eventually start to be okay again, until the next crappy thing happens.  I was thinking that this is his way of controlling the situation, not having to be held accountable, and just perpetuating the same dysfunctional cycle.  Why can't he just listen to what I say and acknowledge it and perhaps apologize?  Instead of making a conflict better, which could really be so easy, he has to drag it out and be nasty if I can't just let it go and be "perfectly fine." 

It just makes me so frustrated that he can do what he wants, say hurtful things, barely do anything for a special day, and I just need to get over it and go on.  And if I need time to get over it and go on, he's going to make sure I don't get my time and space.  What can I do about this?  What have others of you experienced in regards to all of this?  And please, please, please, don't say I need to just accept this behavior.  If I continue to accept it, it will continue. 

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[maryy16]

You are absolutely not alone in this situation.  My H will always talk over me and not let me finish anything when he is raging.  He admitted to a work psychologist who was meeting with employees on how to resolve conflict that he does this as to win the argument at any cost. He will even do this to people he works with because he cannot ever be wrong. He will just keep at it and keep "throwing out facts"(even if they aren't really facts) in order to shut the other person up.  The psychologist basically told him that he has major issues that need to be resolved.

In my case, my H has admitted to having problems and is trying to overcome them.  So, now when he starts in I will calmly say "Stop talking over me... .  let me finish... .  hear me out". 

But BEFORE H came to admit he has problems, I not sure that this would have worked. I can only suggest walking away when he starts in and not continuing the argument.  I know how frustrating it is never being able to stand up for yourself or never being able to have a coherent conversation.  To just sit there and take the abuse without being able to fight back. My H used to say "Well, if you don't like it, leave, cause this is just how I am".

[4now]

Thanks Maryy16---

Sometimes I feel so confused. I don't understand why we can't just have a normal conversation or normal disagreement.  I feel incredibly invalidated most of the time with him.  It is so nice to hear someone else say they can relate because some times I find myself thinking, what could I have done differently, where did I go wrong, but then I think about it and it's just seems my only fault is having an emotion and expressing it.  And expecting him to understand! 

I loved how you put it, that the psychologist told him he has "major issues."  If only my h could see that he has issues, but alas, he thinks it's 99.9%  me! 

Incredibly insightful that he admitted to doing this to win the argument.  That was my theory, why else would he do this?  He wasn't even "raging" per se.  Just didn't want to hear anything slightly negative or involving my emotions. 

Now I feel compelled just to make peace and get over it, reach out to him, but at the same time, I feel this isn't okay and I don't want him to think he can just act this way and I will get over eventually.  I guess it's a battle of wills?

[bruceli]

This is such a good post, I don't know where to start... .  

Hello,

I am posting this, as sometimes in times of conflict, I lose all sense of reality and can't make heads or tails of what is going on.  I would appreciate any insight and I apologize if this is rambling or seems disjointed.

I won't go into a ton of detail as it really doesn't matter too much.  Things started with Mother's Day, no surprise there, right?  Anyway, uBPDh said something hurtful and set the stage for him not needing to do anything for me for Mother's Day.  He "had" to work because of poor planning and lack of boundaries on his part, but I was trying to be super understanding, but I am human and couldn't help feeling disappointed.  Anyway, the day ended with him "trying" to do something special for me, but according to him he'd moved heaven and earth and I should be eternally grateful.  

Understood, BPDw is the same way... .  expects a medal of honor if she wakes up and makes breakfast on a sunday.  Mostly because she is soo hung over from drinking the night before... .  but of course that's my fault too.

I have been struggling with this, but am trying in my own way to deal with it and get over it as well as some other things from the recent and not so recent past.  The problem is that I can't have my space to do it at all without him reacting and making things worse.  It's like he senses me withdrawing and trying to have space and he has to escalate the situation and make it into an argument.  

I guess this is where I need the insight.  When I have tried expressing what I am feeling he either A) doesn't let me finish my sentence or thought at all without talking over me, or B) gets angry and storms off, or C) these happen in succession.  There simply is no communication.  He can't listen to what I say at all.  If I want to talk about the weather, he's fine.  :)ealing with an emotion or something that happened is not okay.  

Ditto, mine relishes the small talk too, that's why she prefers her "friends", because they never talk about much of anything deeper than the weather... .  for hours... .  No feeling or itimacy needed for that.


So if I can pretend like everything is fine, we can eventually start to be okay again, until the next crappy thing happens.  I was thinking that this is his way of controlling the situation, not having to be held accountable, and just perpetuating the same dysfunctional cycle.  Why can't he just listen to what I say and acknowledge it and perhaps apologize?  

Apologize?  To anyone reading this.  Has your pwBPD ever apologized and if so, do you feel that they really meant it?

Instead of making a conflict better, which could really be so easy, he has to drag it out and be nasty if I can't just let it go and be "perfectly fine."  

It just makes me so frustrated that he can do what he wants, say hurtful things, barely do anything for a special day, and I just need to get over it and go on.  

Pretty much how it works with them... .  but if the situation was reversed... .  how would your pwBPD react?  WW3 for sure... .  right?



And if I need time to get over it and go on, he's going to make sure I don't get my time and space.  What can I do about this?  What have others of you experienced in regards to all of this?  And please, please, please, don't say I need to just accept this behavior.  If I continue to accept it, it will continue.  

Does he want to change?  Is there a need for him to change?  If the answers are no... .  not much of a reason to change unfortunately.  If there are no consequences for behaviors why would change occur?

[nodoover]

4Now My husband is exactly like yours and when he is raging I dare not say a word or it will escalate.  I either have to feel abused by listening to such vitriol or leave the room.

I have done both. 

As far as Mother's day I have come to the conclusion that in the midst of a rage, depression episode they get very self centered and can't see outside themselves.  Mine was fine on mother's day until I made a innocent comment while checking FB that his daughter posted a cute pic of her and mom. He let his jealousy of their relationship send him down for many hours.

I was tired that day of dealing with his stuff, some days I can be patient and sweet and some days it really gets to me and I speak out. I told him knock it off you are ruining my mothers day and for once after a few hours we had a nice dinner out.

My husband flips back and forth from nice sweet loving guy to angry hurtful guy sometimes in just a hour.  I think I am numb to it now, I don't trust the good or bad things he says. I find myself ignoring both.

[maryy16]

4now... .  

Believe me, I'm on my 32nd year with my H and I would say for the first 30 years, it was unbearable! Exactly how you described it. He can act however he wants, hurt whoever he wants with absolutely no understanding of what he is doing.  And of course, EVERYTHING was my fault.  

He still has his moments, don't get me wrong, but at least now, he will step back and take a look at the situation.

Example... .  Yesterday I walked past him in the bedroom.  As I passed, he turned and kind of elbowed me (not hard or anything) by mistake.  Now us nons would say "Oh geez, sorry, I didn't see you there".  But my H goes "sheeesh!" and started to say something rude like "what are you doing passing by here... .  " But I was able to stop him mid-sentence and say "don't start blaming me for that.  You elbowed me, but it was nobody's fault.  You're not like this anymore, so stop it right now".  He mumbled a bit, but did not go into a rage like he normally would have. And I dropped it at that point, in the past I would have continued on trying to find out WHY he could possibly blame me for that, etc., but I have learned that it is not productive to do so.

My point being that there is hope... .  but you just may have to wait 30+ years until they come to the understanding themselves that they do have a problem.