For all the people who need/want closure, isn't knowing your ex has BPD enough?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I date a guy for 3 years and it was a roller coaster for sure. But in my mind he was my soul mate and I had never been more in love. Until he ripped my heart out a little over a month ago. I was so lost, confused and filled with so much anxiety. I learned about BPD about a week ago. I have been on these boards and reading about it extensively. I have also started therapy and talked to her about it. It is clear as day my exbf has BPD. This as sad as it is has given me the closure i need to move on. And has given me answers as to why he acted the way he did and why he broke up with me so heartlessly. Its only been a week since i figured this out and i feel like I can finally move on. Had I not figured out his mental illness and how it works I would still be hanging on to hope. So my question is, am i alone in this feeling? I feel like every thing I am reading on here people still can't move on knowing they are dealing with someone mentally ill. It literally is THEM NOT YOU. I keep reading people stories over and over who get recycled back in because they feel like they will get something they need out of it, or that the person will change. Maybe i'm just super logical, but knowing my ex has BPD I will NEVER get sucked back in. There is absolutely no hope and he will never give me the answers i want.

[Puddle]

So I date a guy for 3 years and it was a roller coaster for sure. But in my mind he was my soul mate and I had never been more in love. Until he ripped my heart out a little over a month ago. I was so lost, confused and filled with so much anxiety. I learned about BPD about a week ago. I have been on these boards and reading about it extensively. I have also started therapy and talked to her about it. It is clear as day my exbf has BPD. This as sad as it is has given me the closure i need to move on. And has given me answers as to why he acted the way he did and why he broke up with me so heartlessly. Its only been a week since i figured this out and i feel like I can finally move on. Had I not figured out his mental illness and how it works I would still be hanging on to hope. So my question is, am i alone in this feeling? I feel like every thing I am reading on here people still can't move on knowing they are dealing with someone mentally ill. It literally is THEM NOT YOU. I keep reading people stories over and over who get recycled back in because they feel like they will get something they need out of it, or that the person will change. Maybe i'm just super logical, but knowing my ex has BPD I will NEVER get sucked back in. There is absolutely no hope and he will never give me the answers i want.

[Clearmind]

Puddle, I completely agree, it’s a roller coaster ride.

Our relationships involved two people – our partners who are either BPD or have BPD traits and us.

It can take some time to come to the conclusion of why we entered our relationships to begin with. It’s a process of self discovery and we all get there at varying speeds. Self inquiry can feel scary and vulnerable.

How is your support network right now?

[Puddle]

Hi Clearmind

My support is pretty good thanks for asking. Don't get me wrong, I'm kinda obsessed with what I've discovered and still plan on reading more and posting more so I guess I'm not totally over it. I just feel like knowing that my ex bf has BPD was a huge step for me in letting go. It makes me so sad for both him and I but now I know there is literally nothing I can do or say to help him.

[Bananas]

I feel the same way.  I think my light bulb went on today!     For the past few months I have been a mess.  I am still a mess, but get a little stronger every day.  For awhile I was trying to hate and I realized that it was making me feel worse not better.  I was consumed with so much anger.  The anger was not giving me any answers.  I am steady working on forgiveness.  Forgiveness of him and of myself.  That is the best gift I can give myself.  I really believe that I will be a much better person when I get through all of this.  This board has given me HOPE. 

I don't have the luxury of no contact, I work with my ex and I have to see him every day.  For the first time today I looked at him differently as who he is, someone struggling with a mental illness.  Not the soulmate I thought he was.  I am thinking that no matter how rotten I feel he definitely has it worse.  And has been like that for who knows how long?  And will it last his lifetime? 

I am practicing having no expectations of how he will treat me day to day at work.  Having no expectations will free me from disappointment.  I am all about doing whatever it takes for me to have a good day at work.  If he wants to be mean that's fine, it's his illness, it's not about me.  If he wants to be nice that's fine too, but that is also not about me. 

I look at it as I have a choice to get off the rollercoaster.  He doesn't, unless of course he gets some serious therapy.  He may not even realize he is on it. 

My dogs help me too.  If any of you have animals they have the amazing ability to live in the moment.  They are not hung up on the past nor are they preoccupied with the future.  They teach me a lot.

[KellyO]

Our ego is clever. Sad part is, when you are tangled in difficult relationship and all over with your emotions, you can't see the big picture. You can't see what are the subconcious beliefs and patterns in our life that keeps us trying to get love from people who will never give it to us. You can see it after, but not when you are in the middle.

Now when I look back I can see there was no love, nothing real, just illusions and theatre acts. But did I see it when I was crying, obsessing about him and blaming him from my suffering? Never. But I had this little feeling inside of me that I'm part of this all, somehow, and I did hard work to find out what my part was. I had a good motivation: never find myself in this kind of rs, because it was not my first.

It felt like love to me, genuine love. I was so much in love! And it tortured me because why I loved so much this person who ripped me in shreds and then stumped all over them?  Now I know I had a core wound, and it kept me trying to make him and others before him to love me, and for me, that was love. I wanted a closure too and screamed after it, but it was just my ego trying to hide the thruth from me: I had a secret that I tried to hide from myself with this illusion of love. It is so good in keeping us busy in obsessing other people so we don't have time to stop and look inside  ourselves.

[Puddle]

Well I got the expected "I miss you, I love you" text 1.5 months after the break up and only after a couple weeks of no contact. If I didn't know about his disorder, I would literally be a MESS right now, thinking he found the light but then also feeling super conflicted since he's hurt me so much. Well guess what? I did NOT respond and I am not a mess,  because I feel like I really do understand his disorder due to awesome support groups like this. Thanks guys for sharing your stories. 

[First19]

Puddle -

I feel the same way you do.  I went through 7 months of holding out hope that he would see the light and something would change.  I'm so glad I found this support here.  It does make it easier to let go knowing that nothing in my power could ever change the situation for us. 

[Clearmind]

Our ego is clever. Sad part is, when you are tangled in difficult relationship and all over with your emotions, you can't see the big picture. You can't see what are the subconcious beliefs and patterns in our life that keeps us trying to get love from people who will never give it to us. You can see it after, but not when you are in the middle.

Now when I look back I can see there was no love, nothing real, just illusions and theatre acts. But did I see it when I was crying, obsessing about him and blaming him from my suffering? Never. But I had this little feeling inside of me that I'm part of this all, somehow, and I did hard work to find out what my part was. I had a good motivation: never find myself in this kind of rs, because it was not my first.

It felt like love to me, genuine love. I was so much in love! And it tortured me because why I loved so much this person who ripped me in shreds and then stumped all over them?  Now I know I had a core wound, and it kept me trying to make him and others before him to love me, and for me, that was love. I wanted a closure too and screamed after it, but it was just my ego trying to hide the thruth from me: I had a secret that I tried to hide from myself with this illusion of love. It is so good in keeping us busy in obsessing other people so we don't have time to stop and look inside  ourselves.

Nicely put. And I came to the same conclusion.

I needed to be needed and mistook all the control for love.