Struggling with detachment due to our 6 year old

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Without going into all the details, my undiagnosed stbx-Husband and I have been living apart since Jan., He announced he was unhappy in July 2012, I then found out he was seeing someone else for months before he told me.  We attempted MC, went through 4 months of trying to work things out, (never really getting to work on the issues because he emotionally checked out already)  But all along we continued to have amazing sex.  (I still love him very much, but he says he no longer loves me)

When he moved out in January, we focused on our youngest child and what is best for her is us getting along.  That being said, I tried to create new boundries, and after 2 weeks of me just being the co parent and friend, he comes over and starts persueing me sexually.  I have to admit, there are times I gave in.  The times I seem to want to be with him the most are after a week or so of no physical contact, he will say to me, "you don't find me appealing anymore?"  I then feel the need to validate that by showing him I still want me.

I must be crazy.  he won't kiss me, but everything else is so intense when he touches me, and has sex with me.  Like he is out to prove something.

It has been 2 weeks since the last sexual encounter.  We see each other a couple of times a week, and he texts me almost everyday.  The last few times I have seen him he has looked depressed although he says he is fine.

[Lovingwife315]

Without going into all the details, my undiagnosed stbx-Husband and I have been living apart since Jan., He announced he was unhappy in July 2012, I then found out he was seeing someone else for months before he told me.  We attempted MC, went through 4 months of trying to work things out, (never really getting to work on the issues because he emotionally checked out already)  But all along we continued to have amazing sex.  (I still love him very much, but he says he no longer loves me)

When he moved out in January, we focused on our youngest child and what is best for her is us getting along.  That being said, I tried to create new boundries, and after 2 weeks of me just being the co parent and friend, he comes over and starts persueing me sexually.  I have to admit, there are times I gave in.  The times I seem to want to be with him the most are after a week or so of no physical contact, he will say to me, "you don't find me appealing anymore?"  I then feel the need to validate that by showing him I still want me.

I must be crazy.  he won't kiss me, but everything else is so intense when he touches me, and has sex with me.  Like he is out to prove something.

It has been 2 weeks since the last sexual encounter.  We see each other a couple of times a week, and he texts me almost everyday.  The last few times I have seen him he has looked depressed although he says he is fine.

[copingwithhim]

Hello LovingWife,

The name says it all; I too was very much 'in love.'

Yes, you need to think about your child.  Get your strength back and show her was it means to be a strong individual.  Decide on your boundaries and keep them.  He will always try to break them; that's just what they do.

My stbx uBPDh left in March 2012 and we are in the process of a high conflict divorce.  My replacement is a psychiatric nurse who I asked to stay away while we went through MC.  She didn't, so he remained 'checked out' during MC.  At our last session, he informed me that he filed for divorce; that was the moment I began NC.  Although it's been more than a year, as I catch up with friends, I hear about other episodes and infidelities.  These stories just confirm that the boundary of NC was the right choice.

Your stbx is using you and is not worthy of your love.  Take that love and redirect it towards you and your child.  He now has someone else who will validate him, you no longer need to do that.  Be compassionate to yourself.  Limit your interactions to the subject of your child and stay firm.  One day, you'll see it was for the best.

CopingWith(out)Him

[Lovingwife315]

Thank you coping!

We have 2 more children together who are older (19, 16) and neither of them want anything to do with him.   But the 6 year old, she is his baby. 

I too asked the other woman (flight attendant) to give us space while we were in MC and still living together.  I took me months to realize and accept that she was being told an entirely differnt story, than what was really happening.  He is an excellent Liar. 

NC is hard for me, because I feel like I am being cruel to him, but you are right I need to hold strong to these boundries.