The Urge to Break NC When We Feel Real Progress

[bb12]

Anyone else feel the pull for answers most on the good days? ... .  When we see it all most clearly? When out of the FOG?

I only feel the urge to break NC when I am feeling good. Like I could handle the BS, react better, apply wise mind, be patient and genuinely supportive.

When do you feel at your weakest when maintaining NC?

Bb12

[wanttoknowmore]

I feel like breaking NC when I remember how beautiful and loving heart she had before she came in the grip of her illness and changed drastically after that. Like you I still, want to support and help her BUT I know this is not what she wants ... .  so I will respect her wish to leave her alone.

[patientandclear]

Yes BB12, and that's when I did re-engage my ex (as a friend) -- when I felt I really understood, could be patient (and clear!), could accept what was, accept the limits, not ask him to be someone he wasn't, not have any expectations ... .  

And those skills and that perspective helped a lot.  They gave us 7 months of a deepening friendship, and some wherewithal to get through distancing and pulling back.

Yet, in the end, it wasn't nearly enough because I came to really care about him again.  I did not stay detached enough.  And that meant his behaviors hurt me (and are still hurting me -- he's gone, I'm not in contact, but I am still very sad).  So you can say my mistake was to be attached and to care.

Here's the fundamental contradiction, I think, for me: if you were to be detached enough not to be harmed by BPD behaviors, what really is left?  You have a wonderful day & you have no idea what will happen tomorrow.  Nothing means what it appears to mean.  Nothing can be counted on.  The very goodness is going to trigger punishment and suspicion.

If you do contemplate contact -- and I can't quite tell if you seriously are doing that -- the ability to remain detached from someone you love, even while they are being really fantastic with you and going deep into places you care about, is necessary to avoid hurt.  That's a trick I have not been able to master.

[TippyTwo]

My weakest moment... .  is when I start putting the pieces together and realize some betrayal or lie I hadn't seen before. Or, when something I noticed which was then denied suddenly is proven to have been correct.

Even when together when I could separate out the emotion from the actions, I knew it was just a matter of time before she would find a to dump me on my head again. Felt like it was a challenge for her.