Father of uBPDw in custody, please share your experience

[newcomer]

Hi everybody!

Wanted to share a new development in my life and get your advice on how best to respond.  A few days ago, my uBPDw got a call from her dad's (79 yrs old) current "wife" (34 yrs old) saying that he has been taken into judicial custody with a non-bailable warrant (in another country) on an alleged rape charge filed by their house maid.  What surprised me the most is my wife's response to this situation.  She is not interested in getting involved and her reason is that she values her life with her husband (yeah!) and daughter.  Basically, her lack of response to this situation is apparently her way to show her commitment to me and daughter!  What would you do if you're in my shoes?  Please help.

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[arabella]

I'm not sure what you would like advice on exactly, so I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions to start.

Do you have a particularly close r/s with your FIL (the one in custody)? What do you want to see happen here? Is there something else that you feel needs to be done? I'm just not quite sure why it's a problem for you if your wife doesn't want to be involved?

[newcomer]

Thanks for asking to clarify, hope this helps:  I have superficially good relations with FIL, never liked his personality given how well he fits the NPD profile, with a super arrogant, explosive personality.  He has had a very successful career and is a multi-millionaire.  What I am asking is: is my wife's reaction normal or is this another indication of her own PD issues that make her be in denial with reality?  I don't think she understands what would happen if he gets convicted and have to spend the rest of his life behind bars.  I am not sure everything is being done to ensure he's getting good legal representation and he's mentally competent to make right decisions.  Please let me know if you have additional questions.  Thanks again.

[arabella]

Your wife's reaction may or may not be normal depending on her r/s with her father. Some people are more attached than others. Is it possible that she's secretly pleased that he finally got caught or something? Having an NPD father would be very difficult and, especially if she was ever the victim of his abuse or a witness to it, she may be very justified in not helping him now. (I'm not saying this is the case, just a possibility to consider.) If it were my father I'd be in a state of complete shock, panic, and disbelief. But then, I have a good r/s with my father, he's not NPD, and he'd never hurt a fly so... .  circumstances matter.

I wouldn't say that pwBPD deny reality. It's more that their reality is distorted in order for them to cope with it. Often in the face of bad news they will, for example, play the victim and turn all of the focus onto themselves and how the situation affects them. Your wife's complete lack of reaction sort of suggests to me that there is more going on there. Do you really think that your wife is incapable of grasping basic facts about what imprisonment means? Or is it that she doesn't want to think about it because she has other thoughts on the subject that perhaps you are not privy to? Again, just possibilities - I obviously don't know your wife at all!

If your FIL is wealthy I can't imagine that he'll lack for a decent lawyer. Is his cognitive health not well? Is there some reason that you suspect he won't find good counsel? Is he legally married to his current wife? (You put 'wife' in quotation marks so I wasn't sure.) She's much younger than him, but at 34 she's also old enough to be able to deal with legalities if he needs assistance. Of course, if they aren't legally married then she isn't his next-of-kin and that could pose problems (especially if he's in another country). The law surrounding all of this would vary by jurisdiction.

[newcomer]

Thanks so much for your advice.  My wife's attachment to her father has been consistently inconsistent.  FIL's cognitive abilities are questionable and his "wife" (socially married but not legally I am told) has not finished high school and has very limited understanding of legal matters.  In any case, I guess there is not much I can do anyway.  Thanks again.

[sadidahomom]

It could also just be that she is all worn out from his shenanigans.  I have had to "toughen up" against so many claims and allegations, and gone through so much ineffective counselling and horriffic events, that any more, little surprises me, and if I myself don't keep a tough outer shell, I will need to be committed myself.  Just sometimes you gotta say "my give-a-damn's busted"... .    In my case, that's what I have to tell myself frequently, even though I die a little more each time there's an "event"... .