Comparisons to other exes

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex liked to bait me by doing these weird comparisons with her other exes. Sometimes, it felt like it was an audition for American Idol or something.

Then I realized, I couldn't trust much of what she was saying. She distorted the simplest things. I realized what she was saying was more of the roadmap to her expectations of how I would and wouldn't behave. Of what she needed at certain times in response to certain things.

It was a lot like learning a foreign language. Eventually I learned "I don't know what I want" meant she had or was thinking of wandering. "You don't know me" meant I had nailed something and she didn't like it.

I also found it confusing when she would tell me she had been with some folks for years. It made me wonder what did these folks have or do that I didn't. Eventually I came to see and understand the pattern. "Years with someone" actually meant adding up all the recycle times. Plus, fidelity wasn't her strong point so it was adding up years of recycles along with a string of affairs.

She is now back with her ex and it looks like she also has an extra on the side. I have to admit, it is a bit amusing watching hym make sure he is online in the am before she leaves for work, there at her breaktime, there when she comes home, there on and off all night long... .  all in case she might require hys presence or adoration I presume.

All I can say is, thank God it is hym and not me. It was exhausting.

[TippyTwo]

My ex liked to bait me by doing these weird comparisons with her other exes. Sometimes, it felt like it was an audition for American Idol or something.

Then I realized, I couldn't trust much of what she was saying. She distorted the simplest things. I realized what she was saying was more of the roadmap to her expectations of how I would and wouldn't behave. Of what she needed at certain times in response to certain things.

It was a lot like learning a foreign language. Eventually I learned "I don't know what I want" meant she had or was thinking of wandering. "You don't know me" meant I had nailed something and she didn't like it.

I also found it confusing when she would tell me she had been with some folks for years. It made me wonder what did these folks have or do that I didn't. Eventually I came to see and understand the pattern. "Years with someone" actually meant adding up all the recycle times. Plus, fidelity wasn't her strong point so it was adding up years of recycles along with a string of affairs.

She is now back with her ex and it looks like she also has an extra on the side. I have to admit, it is a bit amusing watching hym make sure he is online in the am before she leaves for work, there at her breaktime, there when she comes home, there on and off all night long... .  all in case she might require hys presence or adoration I presume.

All I can say is, thank God it is hym and not me. It was exhausting.

[babyducks]

It was a lot like learning a foreign language.

It is a foreign language.  People who suffer from BPD process information in ways completely different from the way you and I do.   Actually it felt a lot like my Ex and I were always 180 degrees apart.   When things felt calm and ordinary to me, and I was starting to relax, things felt empty and void to her and she needed stimulation so she would stir things up.  When we were together and sharing I thought oh how sweet this intimacy is, and she thought how absolutely terrifying this is I let my guard down now I will be hurt.   When I was troubled or upset, she thought now things have gone badly wrong, I can't deal with this, I will push her away.  When I couldn't soothe her feelings she felt I was deliberately holding back and that made her angry.

[Clearmind]

I would say that her comparing you to her ex's is a huge red flag. Did you see it as such at the time?

"I don't know what I want" - she probably didn't. My ex would say the same - he was not sure enough of himself to actually know what he wanted.